From that moment....she was on my mind every single day, even before knowing she was a little girl. From that moment...I began changing.
When we found out she was a little girl, our hearts felt like bursting with how much we loved this child we hadn't even met yet....
Perfect capture of how much David adores her.
Before we knew it...our world was turned upside down..and given a hard shake.
Each and every day we prayed hard....prayed that our little girl would survive. Prayed desperately that we would have time to hold her and whisper to her every ounce of love we felt for her. Prayed that we would get to hear her cry....and see her smile. We prayed that the doctors would be wrong....that she would be able to live and thrive. We prayed ultimately...for a miracle.
As you know.....we got our miracle. Just a different miracle then we had planned. Adalyn's life was like the brightest streak of light across our skies. She has illuminated every part of us. On my darkest days, she continues to be a light.
Since that second I knew her life was growing inside....she still has never left my mind.
I find myself rather introspective these days. Every aspect of our lives seems so surreal.
People have asked a lot how I'm feeling...and inside, I guess I don't quite know the answer. My pregnancy with Adalyn was different in every possible way from this pregnancy with her sweet brother.
With Adalyn, we were praying so fervently that she would survive. We had countless appointments....meetings...scans....and conference meetings with teams of doctors...all telling us the statistics of her surviving.
Instead of picking out her "coming home" outfit...we were having to discuss what level of medical intervention we would want in a variety of scenarios.
This pregnancy, our little boy has been growing in just the right way....and I've been completely healthy. Yet..I still have all those fears written on my heart. David and I know with certainty how there is never a true "guarantee" with life....and what a vulnerable feeling that can be.
We never pass a certain milestone....or hit a point where you get a ticket that says "No bad will ever happen, and all your loved ones will have perfect health!"
Instead, we are given moments. Moments with each of the people we love so deeply.
I feel like I'm on this constant emotional roller coaster these days. It's hard for me to sometimes even understand what I am feeling.
After everything we have been through...I am a completely different "me." I look the same. Sound the same...but every part of me feels different. I don't quite know yet this new version of me. The new version that has frequent break downs, is full of anxiety and fears. Sometimes, it feels uncomfortable...foreign...and hard.
However, I wouldn't go back to the old version of me for a second. I wouldn't want to go back to a life that didn't know Adalyn.
I look each night at the pictures we took this day last year...and I feel flooded with gratitude. Adalyn radiates love and light in her pictures. I'm so grateful for each picture I have....
Yet...I can see her getting more and more tired...and I'm scared to relive the days that are ahead. My heart aches in wishing for more. More pictures. More videos. More kisses. More cuddles. More time...
I sat down to write this post not knowing the words that would spill out. I'm not even quite sure they make sense. So...if you made it this far in reading, props to you. I knew I wanted to write something in honor of October 15....pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.
1 in 4 parents will lose a child before the age of one. That's 25% my friends! Which also means...there a many, many hearts out there who have a part of their hearts missing. Parents with arms that ache to hold their child. A child that is still deeply loved, fiercely missed, constantly remembered...and ever prayed for.
So as you go about your evening....take a moment to remember those beautiful, sweet babies. And take an extra moment to hold close those in your life that you love.
To you, my sweet Adalyn...we're coming ever closer to that year mark. The day our entire world fell apart. The day my worst possible nightmare became our new reality. Some moments, I just sit and imagine how it felt to hold you close and press my lips into your soft hair...and feel you relax into my arms. I miss watching you sleep....and seeing how beautiful the tender rise and fall of your chest was to me. I miss hearing your daddy sing to you...and hearing him tell you stories. I'm slowly trying to figure out this new person I see in the mirror..You changed me sweet girl.. I guess the hard part of change is that it's never easy. It's hard and refining. But even with the the hard days, my booger filled cry sessions, and my longing for you... You have changed me in every way for the better. Your life and light continues to reach people Addie baby.
When I lay awake at night I imagine your little brother. We just about have everything ready for him to arrive, which is still hard to wrap my mind around.
I imagine the things you talk about...and the connection you have. I've been praying so hard that he will always feel of that connection. I have a feeling he will. I hope you both know in each and every moment how deeply Daddy and I love you!
Stay close my darling, always.
XO,
Mom
