It's been a while since I last wrote. I guess most days I don't know where to begin typing my feelings. I am realizing that there are some emotions that you cannot explain with words. I don't always know how to convey the breaks in my heart.
Last week was two months. Two whole months that we have lived without our sweet Adalyn.
I read recently that there is a darkness that comes with grief. I now believe that wholeheartedly There is no way to avoid it. It has to be walked through. It has to completely envelope you. In ways.....it is like stepping out of the light, and into a tunnel. To get to the other side....one has to walk through the dark tunnel.
Right now....I feel the darkness of that tunnel. And some days, I don't feel like my heart has the strength to keep moving forward. Some days....it feels like there is no light. And some days....I don't want there to be light....I want to stay lost in the dark. I am afraid of doing "normal" things again....because that just reiterates that Adalyn is gone. I ache when I think of what she faced. I ache to feel her in my arms. I ache for the little things...to hear her sigh. To hear her have the hiccups.
A little blurry....but here is one of the projects we have made!
I wonder if I spent enough time counting her fingers and toes. I wonder if I spent enough time gazing at her sweet, perfect face....memorizing each and every curve. I wonder if I told her enough how truly special she is. I wonder if I praised her enough for every kick of her legs...bottle feed....and head lift..
The thing is....I think I will always wish for more. I will wish I had time to count every hair on her head 100 times. I wish I had even more pictures. More videos. More cuddles. More late nights. More time....
I think all too often we each spend so much of our days wishing them away. Waiting for the next best thing that we think is just around the corner. In reality....we each, most often, have the biggest gifts in the world right in front of us. To love and be loved is far greater then anything we will ever buy....or honor we will receive. Often....I think maybe the simple miracles...and beauty of life happens in the moments we wish away. In the struggles we wish we didn't have.
I would re-live the hardest days of my life if it meant I could hold her for one more hour. To see her smile once more.... To hear her squeals...To have time to sing her a few more songs.....and kiss her sweet cheeks.
We are often asked how we are doing....and while I am so thankful that people reach out to us and ask...I often struggle internally with how to answer.
I think it is such a weighted question. Most often I say "Okay" Because I am not fully sure what to say. In my mind.....I race over a thousand different emotions. I say "Okay"..because we have seen such tender mercies....such love.
I say "Okay.." Because how can we relay the feelings of burying our baby? Of the decisions we had to make? Of watching her suffer? How do I relate how I go from feeling so broken.....to feeling so proud of Adalyn? How do I convey the depth and width of the emotions that come with a grieving heart? How to I relay the fears that scare me? Or the the questioning "whys" that bubble up? How do I tell them that once you have a child....the need to care for them never goes away? How do I express the way my love for Adalyn keeps growing every moment...even without her in my arms?
Some days....are very dark....dark days. Days when I question everything. Myself. My faith. My prayers.. Some days..... a life time seems too unbearable to live with out our sweet baby. Her absence feels so heavy....our longing for her so great.
Some days...I feel so blessed for what I have....for the time we had with Adalyn.....for the beautiful moments we hold so close.
Oh how I miss nights like this...
Other days.....We go through the day...accomplishing errands, spending time with family...."normal" things. But whether we are getting gas....picking up groceries....eating...working...my thoughts are on her. The emptiness on our hearts is constant. The pain like a companion. My heart longs for her. That part of me always will...in every moment. That part of me will always feel broken until I am able to hold her in my arms again. I still struggle to sleep. I struggle in the calm....quiet of the night. It is then I feel like I can't breathe. It is in those moments my fears flood over me.
The past month especially I have struggled. I have struggled in ways that I can't fully admit. I have questioned my Heavenly Father. I have questioned whether or not He is truly listening.
I convey these things.....because maybe....maybe there will one day be someone who's heart is breaking in the same way. Someone who needs to know they aren't alone..
I know I have needed those very things.
I have come to realize.....in the darkness of the tunnel we're in....there will be lights. But the light doesn't completely take away the darkness. It remains there....it is part of the tunnel. However, the lights.....though at times they may just be flickers....are what will lead to the true light at the end of the tunnel. The light of being back with Adalyn.
I think I need to start holding to those flickers.
Our flickers have been through the tender mercies of so many people. Of the cards that come in the mail. Of the words....phone calls...texts....and messages of loved ones, friends and even strangers. To so many who have simply listened to us...mourned with us and followed us on this road...those who have reached out to ask how we're doing...who have asked about Adalyn and let us talk about her...we thank you we all our hearts. We have received such a beautiful outpouring of love from so many of you. Know every card...every message...is read and re-read.
I am trying to hold to those. I think at times my heart is angry.....and I can't always see the lights I so desperately need.
But I have to trust that somehow.....my Father in Heaven knows exactly what is written on my heart. He knows the feelings and words I am too afraid to utter. I have to trust that....because if I don't....I will stay lost in the darkness. I need His hope. His comfort. His love.
A big tender mercy came last week. David had his heart check up. Going back to the hospital felt like scrubbing a wound with a wire brush. I was so afraid. Even simply walking through the doors, I felt my eyes burning.
They did several tests on David....and checked his pacemaker. When his cardiologist came in....I just wanted to hug her. Since she works at Primary Children's....and follows David....she knew about Adalyn. I have always felt that she is one of the best, and kindest doctors I had ever met....but that day my gratitude for her tripled. She said some things about Adalyn and us that my heart really needed to hear.
Most of all....we received really good news about David's heart. Everything is looking really good. His doctor is pretty amazed with how good David is looking physically...especially given that he was in Stage 4 heart failure during May. The valves they have been worried about are doing much better now that his pressures are better. She doesn't foresee David needing surgery for at least a few more years....and even then it may just be a simple battery change. I realize that I have never fully explained about David's condition...and for those of you who have asked....you can read all about it by clicking here.
We are ever grateful for the thoughts and prayers that have continued to be offered on our behalf. Many of you will never know the impact you have had.
To our sweet Addie Grace....You are our brightest light. I am so proud of you. Every single moment. You have done greater things with your life then many of us ever will. Your sweetness....your strength....your love....each of those things continue to touch us and carry us. You are my baby, sweet girl, and I will spend a life talking of you.....kissing your pictures....and holding your blankets until I can hold you again. Each night....I go to sleep imagining you climbing into my lap....telling me all about your day in Heaven. I love you. I love you so very deeply. And that is why our hearts are so sad.....But we try each day for you. Because of you....I'm trying to hold every moment a little tighter.
*This picture was another tender mercy for us. An amazing new friend of ours named Leah helped get this for us. She too had a little angel warrior, named Caleb, that went home to heaven far too soon. You can read his story here. There is a woman in Australia who writes the name of children who have passed away on a beach. She calls it giving them a sunset. Each sunset is for one child only...and is unique. Leah had this woman write Adalyn's name. We love it so much! I love to imagine her dancing along that beach. It is as beautiful as she is!
For more the story behind these amazing sunsets...they are called the seashore of remembrance. Her blog can be found by clicking here
