Learning to Stand

Several nights ago, I was standing in the kitchen. As I stood by the counter, my mind flashed back to all of the times I stood in that very same spot....during that same late hour....getting Adalyn's food all ready. I would stand on my toes to peer over the couch as I was making it....so I could watch her sweet face and see the monitor..

It all felt so real....that I found myself standing on my toes...peering over the couch expecting to see her sweet face. Expecting to realize that I was just having an awful day dream....

But she wasn't there.

It felt like another cold reality slam in the face. My legs buckled....and I sat sobbing on the floor.

On Monday....I finally took her car seat out of the car and brought it back inside. I just haven't had the heart to do it...but our car decided to take a vacation from working...and I didn't want it left in there. I wish I would have known the last time I buckled her into it....that it would be the last time.  I would have ingrained every moment of it into my mind.

I take so long between posts these days because I don't know always know how to convey how I feel. I just don't want to do this. I don't want to face each day without our beautiful little girl.

March 2nd she would have been 10 months old.

March 13 will mark 4 months of her being gone. I hate when the 13th of every month comes around...The reminder of another month passing away.

Each day, I wish things were different. I wish that we had been able to celebrate that 10 months with her.

I just miss being a mom.

I feel like my sense of purpose was ripped away like a stuck on band-aid...and I'm left feeling disorientated trying to re-gain my sense of vision. I have been feeling defeated as of late. I feel like just laying down and saying "Okay life, you win!" 

I finished my first "Adalyn Journal" David and I both write to her each night

However...through it all...I'm slowly learning things about sorrow. I think there is something incredibly important about sorrow. There is importance is tears. There is importance in grief...

I think one of the most beautiful scriptures to read is John 11:35 "Jesus wept." 

He wept because His friend had died. He wept, knowing that in a matter of minutes...He would raise His friend from the dead and all would be well.

I think He wept because...in that moment...everything wasn't okay...His heart broke over His friend passing...and His heart broke for the family of His friend.

There are so many times that it is written of Christ that he wept....and that He was full of sorrow.

When Chirst visited the Nephites.. "And when he had said these words, He wept, and the multitude bare record of it.." 3 Nephi 17:21

"My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even unto death." Matthew 26:38

"And it came to pass that the God of Heaven looked upon the residue of the people...and He wept." Moses 7:28

Christ himself was described as "A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.." Isaiah 53:3

There are times in our lives when we are not "okay." When our hearts feel broken. When we don't feel like facing a whole new day because it hurts too much. That level of sorrow...the depth of that type of heart break....changes you. And the process of that change, in itself is hard....and hurts....and is quite frankly rather sucky. That change may be beautiful in time....but I think that in the in-between...It's okay to struggle. It's okay to cry. It's okay, to not be okay.

We had a picnic for Valentine's Day...and brought her along!

Because it is in the depths of those sorrows that we change. I see so many changes in myself.. I see everything so differently... I think differently.... I am learning that I shouldn't be ashamed of my own sorrow or grief. It is a process. It is unique to every person. It is sacred. It is hard.

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalms 30:5

"And weeping they shall go, and seek their God," Jeremiah 50:4

"Turn ye even to me with all your heart, and with fasting and weeping and mourning...and turn to the Lord your God, For he is gracious and merciful." Joel 2:12-13

"Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh." Luke 6:21

There will come a day when I am stronger. When I don't feel like only a thread is holding me together. Maybe there will come a day when I don't feel like I have to be on auto pilot to get through the day. Maybe there will come a night when I can actually sleep...instead of replaying nightmares. There will come a day when I don't feel frustrated...or angry...or scared...or depressed.

There will come a day when my legs don't feel like a bowl of jello. When I will learn to stand again...

For now, we are just taking things a day at a time. A huge tender mercy as of late is that David got a job! He is now working at the Neuro Rehab Unit at the hospital. At first...I was secretly praying that he wouldn't get that specific job. It is at the hospital where Adalyn first coded...and where we were subsequently life flighted... However....it has been a good thing. He works with some amazing people. And....as David has helped me to learn.... We can't let dark memories take over the good. 

We loved the Valentine's cards we received for Adalyn from our family. Our sweet neighbors and their adorable little boys made a card and took it to her grave. It was the sweetest Valentine gift for us to receive!

I read an article about grief last week. And because I can't seem to find the article again...you get to read my summed up version of it.

This article compared grief to a large grand piano. There is a director...getting ready to put on a play. His actors have all their lines memorized. The set is completed....when suddenly a large grand piano is placed smack in the center of the stage. It cannot be removed. The actors try to go about performing this play, but everyone keeps bumping into the piano. This play wasn't scripted for a piano. It is awkward...and throws everything off balance.

In time, the director begins to learn more about the piano. He learns how to incorporate it into every scene. Most importantly....he learns how to play the piano. Instead of ruining his play, the piano plays a central role. Bringing tones of beauty, hope and light.

Right now, I still feel like I'm tripping and bumping into the piano....This isn't the play I wanted.

But maybe someday.... Someday I'll learn to play the piano. 

And I'll weave Adalyn into every note I play.

I miss you Adalyn. I miss you so much sweet girl. My heart is aching for you in every moment. Many nights I replay your videos over and over...especially the one where you sneeze...and get so surprised. I love it..it makes me smile each time. I'm trying really hard find myself again in all of this. I want to always be the mom you deserve. I pray for you always. I pray that you will be filled with love in each moment. I pray that your bright light will spread to all who know you. I pray that you are so very happy. I know you're never far from me my darling.....but my....how I long to physically hold you! I long to blow little raspberries on your sweet belly...to feel your hand in mine. I hope when I kiss your pictures....you feel a warm spot on your cheek. I'm so proud of you Addie baby....I hope I can be as brave as you are someday. I love you, sweet girl, always and completely.

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain" Revelation 21:4