Learning to Stand

Several nights ago, I was standing in the kitchen. As I stood by the counter, my mind flashed back to all of the times I stood in that very same spot....during that same late hour....getting Adalyn's food all ready. I would stand on my toes to peer over the couch as I was making it....so I could watch her sweet face and see the monitor..

It all felt so real....that I found myself standing on my toes...peering over the couch expecting to see her sweet face. Expecting to realize that I was just having an awful day dream....

But she wasn't there.

It felt like another cold reality slam in the face. My legs buckled....and I sat sobbing on the floor.

On Monday....I finally took her car seat out of the car and brought it back inside. I just haven't had the heart to do it...but our car decided to take a vacation from working...and I didn't want it left in there. I wish I would have known the last time I buckled her into it....that it would be the last time.  I would have ingrained every moment of it into my mind.

I take so long between posts these days because I don't know always know how to convey how I feel. I just don't want to do this. I don't want to face each day without our beautiful little girl.

March 2nd she would have been 10 months old.

March 13 will mark 4 months of her being gone. I hate when the 13th of every month comes around...The reminder of another month passing away.

Each day, I wish things were different. I wish that we had been able to celebrate that 10 months with her.

I just miss being a mom.

I feel like my sense of purpose was ripped away like a stuck on band-aid...and I'm left feeling disorientated trying to re-gain my sense of vision. I have been feeling defeated as of late. I feel like just laying down and saying "Okay life, you win!" 

I finished my first "Adalyn Journal" David and I both write to her each night

However...through it all...I'm slowly learning things about sorrow. I think there is something incredibly important about sorrow. There is importance is tears. There is importance in grief...

I think one of the most beautiful scriptures to read is John 11:35 "Jesus wept." 

He wept because His friend had died. He wept, knowing that in a matter of minutes...He would raise His friend from the dead and all would be well.

I think He wept because...in that moment...everything wasn't okay...His heart broke over His friend passing...and His heart broke for the family of His friend.

There are so many times that it is written of Christ that he wept....and that He was full of sorrow.

When Chirst visited the Nephites.. "And when he had said these words, He wept, and the multitude bare record of it.." 3 Nephi 17:21

"My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even unto death." Matthew 26:38

"And it came to pass that the God of Heaven looked upon the residue of the people...and He wept." Moses 7:28

Christ himself was described as "A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.." Isaiah 53:3

There are times in our lives when we are not "okay." When our hearts feel broken. When we don't feel like facing a whole new day because it hurts too much. That level of sorrow...the depth of that type of heart break....changes you. And the process of that change, in itself is hard....and hurts....and is quite frankly rather sucky. That change may be beautiful in time....but I think that in the in-between...It's okay to struggle. It's okay to cry. It's okay, to not be okay.

We had a picnic for Valentine's Day...and brought her along!

Because it is in the depths of those sorrows that we change. I see so many changes in myself.. I see everything so differently... I think differently.... I am learning that I shouldn't be ashamed of my own sorrow or grief. It is a process. It is unique to every person. It is sacred. It is hard.

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalms 30:5

"And weeping they shall go, and seek their God," Jeremiah 50:4

"Turn ye even to me with all your heart, and with fasting and weeping and mourning...and turn to the Lord your God, For he is gracious and merciful." Joel 2:12-13

"Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh." Luke 6:21

There will come a day when I am stronger. When I don't feel like only a thread is holding me together. Maybe there will come a day when I don't feel like I have to be on auto pilot to get through the day. Maybe there will come a night when I can actually sleep...instead of replaying nightmares. There will come a day when I don't feel frustrated...or angry...or scared...or depressed.

There will come a day when my legs don't feel like a bowl of jello. When I will learn to stand again...

For now, we are just taking things a day at a time. A huge tender mercy as of late is that David got a job! He is now working at the Neuro Rehab Unit at the hospital. At first...I was secretly praying that he wouldn't get that specific job. It is at the hospital where Adalyn first coded...and where we were subsequently life flighted... However....it has been a good thing. He works with some amazing people. And....as David has helped me to learn.... We can't let dark memories take over the good. 

We loved the Valentine's cards we received for Adalyn from our family. Our sweet neighbors and their adorable little boys made a card and took it to her grave. It was the sweetest Valentine gift for us to receive!

I read an article about grief last week. And because I can't seem to find the article again...you get to read my summed up version of it.

This article compared grief to a large grand piano. There is a director...getting ready to put on a play. His actors have all their lines memorized. The set is completed....when suddenly a large grand piano is placed smack in the center of the stage. It cannot be removed. The actors try to go about performing this play, but everyone keeps bumping into the piano. This play wasn't scripted for a piano. It is awkward...and throws everything off balance.

In time, the director begins to learn more about the piano. He learns how to incorporate it into every scene. Most importantly....he learns how to play the piano. Instead of ruining his play, the piano plays a central role. Bringing tones of beauty, hope and light.

Right now, I still feel like I'm tripping and bumping into the piano....This isn't the play I wanted.

But maybe someday.... Someday I'll learn to play the piano. 

And I'll weave Adalyn into every note I play.

I miss you Adalyn. I miss you so much sweet girl. My heart is aching for you in every moment. Many nights I replay your videos over and over...especially the one where you sneeze...and get so surprised. I love it..it makes me smile each time. I'm trying really hard find myself again in all of this. I want to always be the mom you deserve. I pray for you always. I pray that you will be filled with love in each moment. I pray that your bright light will spread to all who know you. I pray that you are so very happy. I know you're never far from me my darling.....but my....how I long to physically hold you! I long to blow little raspberries on your sweet belly...to feel your hand in mine. I hope when I kiss your pictures....you feel a warm spot on your cheek. I'm so proud of you Addie baby....I hope I can be as brave as you are someday. I love you, sweet girl, always and completely.

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain" Revelation 21:4

When a Heart Aches..

The day after I had the ultrasound where we began finding out the mountains Adalyn would face, I had an appointment with my OB/GYN. David had to work....and wasn't able to come. I was okay with going alone....I knew she wouldn't have any new information. She would just have the report from the ultrasound doctor.

She came in the door, sat down, and started apologizing.

Then she started telling me how she truly thought it would be best if I just chose to terminate our pregnancy.

WHAT?!

I felt like that was an unexpected cold slap in the face. Regardless of what we had found out, there was no way that ending our pregnancy had even crossed our minds. We had already seen her sweet face and heard her little heartbeat.

I said exactly that to my doctor. She stared at me like I was absurd. Her response was letting me know that she was certain that the genetic tests would show a terminal chromosome error anyway (which it didn't). And that even if it didn't, she was certain she would have to deliver a stillborn baby in a matter of weeks. She didn't see too much of a point in continuing our pregnancy.

I was crushed. I was angry. I was hurt. My heart ached so deeply. 

I walked out of her office and never went back.

That moment already seems like a lifetime ago. We were only beginning to realize how much our hearts would ache. 

Adalyn has changed our lives completely. Yes, it has been hard...

It is hard not knowing the amount of time we will have with her. It is hard watching seizures and spasms rack her innocent little body. It is hard to have to plow her full of medicines each day. It is hard having to choose between undesirable medicine side effects.....or watching her seizures. It is hard watching her lose some of the abilities she has gained.

It is hard seeing other babies her age....Not because I am not so happy for those sweet babies...but because my heart aches at what her life won't be.

However....some moments I feel such peace..and I am so grateful for this path. There is absolutely no way...especially now in seeing how special she is....that we could have ended her little life. I am reminded the things we face that are the hardest, are often the most worthwhile. 

I cannot say this enough...Adalyn has changed me for the better. There are moments after she has a bad spasm....or in the wee hours of the morning...when she looks right into my eyes with eyes so full of understanding. So full of love and life. Almost as if to say....."I'm here....and it's going to be okay."

It was an elephant kind of day. 

This past week, I was angry. I know...you may be thinking...."Angry again? I thought you worked through this already!" Well unfortunately, I have to learn things several times.

Adalyn's seizures and spasms have been awful. It has make my stomach churn to watch and my heart heavy. The steroids have made her rather irritable, especially at night. She cries for hours at a time. Just as she finally falls asleep, she is jerked awake by a spasm or seizure...making it take even longer to get her back to sleep.

I felt angry at watching this perfect....innocent girl go through so much. I just wanted the clouds to break for her. I prayed so hard to find understanding. Letting God know the anger that was filling my heart. In my mind, I kept wondering....."How much can one heart continue to ache?"

In sacrament meeting today, I finally found my comfort.

The lyrics for this song came into my mind:

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.

The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design

Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,

Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

(How Firm a Foundation)

In case you, like me, don't know what dross is....I looked it up. It means something worthless.

I was reminded that our struggles are not hopeless or given for no reason. God is with us the entire time. He uses them to refine us. To shape us into something even more beautiful. To help remove our rough edges...to help us....if we let Him....let our light shine.

I have felt that this past year. It has drawn me closer to my faith. It has drawn me closer to my Savior. It has drawn me closer to my husband.

I also read a talk by President Monson. Read the full thing here.

"When the pathway of life takes a cruel turn, there is the temptation to ask the question “Why me?” At times there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel, no sunrise to end the night’s darkness. We feel encompassed by the disappointment of shattered dreams and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea, “Is there no balm in Gilead?”¹We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism.... 

From the bed of pain, from the pillow wet with tears, we are lifted heavenward by that divine assurance and precious promise: Joshua 1:5 “I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”⁷Such comfort is priceless."

Each of us will face those times when our hearts ache. Some days.....I feel that ache is permanent. I am realizing the reason our hearts ache....is because of our ability to love. If we didn't love....if we didn't care....the trials we face likely wouldn't be as painful.

But then what would life be? Love is worth it. It is powerful. So powerful. It brings light...and life...and so much good. The aching pains we may feel....in turn help show us a greater depth of love. It may not feel okay in the moment. You may find yourself punching pillows in anger at 3 am...

Makes my heart melt. Every time. 

Just keep holding on. He will not forsake us. Any of us. There will come a day when all of our struggles...all of our heart breaking moments will be make right...and beautiful. 

I believe that with all of my heart.

So...I will soak in the peaceful moments of Adalyn sleeping snuggled through my arms. And hold on tight to that in the moments that seem too much to bear. I will hold to love. I will try to hold to the comfort of the prayers offered on our behalf. I know we will still face countless moments that threaten to break us...but together...we will find a way to hold on.

24 more days left of these steroids.

I took this video a couple weeks ago....oh how we love this girl!