Calling All Angels..

My dear, sweet Adalyn,

How have 5 months gone by since you slipped back into your home in heaven? I guess it is still hard for me to comprehend that we had to say good-bye. I think I still keep expecting that someday I'll wake up to find you still here.

I miss you so much my darling. My heart longs for you each and every moment. It can't comprehend your absence. I miss your softness. I miss your strength. I miss the comfort of knowing you were right in the next room. I miss watching you grow right before our eyes. I miss hearing your sweet sounds...your sighs and squeals. I miss your adorably hairy back. I miss watching Daddy sing you songs and tell you his vast collection of made up stories. Seeing him with you will forever be some of my favorite memories. He sure misses you too, my darling. You know...he still writes you little stories each night. I'm certain you love it.

These days...when I hear people tell us that we are strong....part of me cringes inside. I wonder if they would still think that if they could peer into my heart.... If they could see my thoughts... Or if they saw me at my weakest points each day.

Losing you has turned our world upside down. I don't think we quite know yet how to pick up those pieces, or even know where those pieces go anymore.

I can't believe that May is right around the corner.. There were so many moments last May when I thought I might loose both you and Daddy....But the month of May gave us you. It will be your first birthday.

I don't want your birthday to be one of those hard days. I want to celebrate you Addie baby. I want to celebrate the incredible girl you are... To celebrate the time we had with you. To celebrate the way you continue to be a guiding light in our lives. To celebrate the fact that you made me a Mommy.

We couldn't resist buying you a beautiful Easter dress. Daddy found this one. I think it is perfect!

So often...I wonder what our lives would look like if we hadn't lost you.... If you didn't have so many mountains to face... I imagine watching you run around a play...Dancing and twirling. I imagine your sweet laugh would light a whole room...

Your headstone was delivered this past month....it turned out perfect with the stained glass pieces of your hands and feet.

I've slowly been listening to music again. Mainly songs that we sang to you. I remember some nights...when we first brought you home....the nights when you were still sleeping in your bassinet...before your seizures got so bad. There were nights when you simply just wanted to be awake...and sang to. Daddy and I would alternate sleeping. There were times when one of us would sing to you for at least two hours straight! You soaked up each moment...no crying at all...just staring up into our eyes...fighting off sleep.....Until you slowly would drift off once more. I loved watching you drift off to sleep. I loved imagining the beautiful things that an angel like you would dream. 

I'm so grateful for those nights sweet girl.

I want you to know that as much as we struggle, we are still trying. I know there are some things that I need to let go. Some painful memories that I can't continue to let control me...I hope you will slowly help me to learn how to turn that fully over into hands more capable than my own.

Adalyn, sometimes I feel like the hope in our lives has been reduced to a mere ember that occasionally glows. I promise that I will try my hardest not to completely let that ember burn out. I think there is a reason for hope. It is light. It is good....It keeps darkness and despair at bay... It gives us a reason to face each day.

I know right now, our hope isn't burning at it's brightest. But I want you to know that you are the reason our hope hasn't burned out. You are the light that keeps us moving...and someday...you will be the wind that ignites our little ember once more.

Addie, I feel so proud to be your mommy. I feel so amazed that I am lucky enough to have an angel for a daughter. I feel so grateful that you chose Daddy and I. As hard as this road is to walk, this path gave us you....so I will never regret walking down it.

This is a drawing that Daddy's sweet friend Lynda did for us. We finally found the perfect frame.

I pray you are oh so very happy my darling. I pray that you get to run through fields of the brightest flowers... I can't wait to run through them with you someday.. I pray that in absolutely every moment, you are filled with such glowing love.

I heard a song this past week.....It has brought my to tears each time I have listened to it. In some ways, I think it was written for you...and for us.

Calling All Angels-Jessie Clark Funk

A quiet voice is calling my name.
I hear you laughing,
but the question remains:
Are you dancing or playing above? Momma's aching to give you her love.

There's a smile I can't wait to see.
A lullaby that you loved to sing.
Just to know I'll hold you again
is the gift I'll hold until then.

Calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
When I close my eyes
I feel you near, I feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.

I know the plan was having you here.
Sometimes what's best is so unclear.
But baby girl put your hand in mine
While I walk through, the fire that refines.

I'm calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
When I close my eyes,
I feel you near, I feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.

Father of us all,
You know the reason that's she's gone.
She's in my heart
but in your arms.

Calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
When I close my eyes,
I feel you near, feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.
My little Angel.

I found a letter I wrote to you last April 16th of last year.... Here are parts of it...

"Knowing of the struggles you may face has only increased our love for you! We believe in you so much. We know you were sent here for a purpose. You have already taught us so much about faith, courage, hope and moving forward in the face of the unknown. It has been one of the hardest trials to think we might not get to have you very long in this life. We want you to know how much we want to be your parents! The thought of becoming a mother is one of the most beautiful and humbling experiences I have had. There are so many things I hope to teach you! So much good in this world I want to show you. Most of all though, the greatest thing we hope to teach you is how special you are. You are so precious and so loved...""

I really hope you felt how special you are Adalyn...I hope you felt how much we wanted you....and how much we love you. We miss you, sweet girl, with our whole hearts...always. These days, before I fall asleep, I whisper to you once more how much I love you. 

I think you're always close enough to hear it. 

XOXO

Mommy