Calling All Angels..

My dear, sweet Adalyn,

How have 5 months gone by since you slipped back into your home in heaven? I guess it is still hard for me to comprehend that we had to say good-bye. I think I still keep expecting that someday I'll wake up to find you still here.

I miss you so much my darling. My heart longs for you each and every moment. It can't comprehend your absence. I miss your softness. I miss your strength. I miss the comfort of knowing you were right in the next room. I miss watching you grow right before our eyes. I miss hearing your sweet sounds...your sighs and squeals. I miss your adorably hairy back. I miss watching Daddy sing you songs and tell you his vast collection of made up stories. Seeing him with you will forever be some of my favorite memories. He sure misses you too, my darling. You know...he still writes you little stories each night. I'm certain you love it.

These days...when I hear people tell us that we are strong....part of me cringes inside. I wonder if they would still think that if they could peer into my heart.... If they could see my thoughts... Or if they saw me at my weakest points each day.

Losing you has turned our world upside down. I don't think we quite know yet how to pick up those pieces, or even know where those pieces go anymore.

I can't believe that May is right around the corner.. There were so many moments last May when I thought I might loose both you and Daddy....But the month of May gave us you. It will be your first birthday.

I don't want your birthday to be one of those hard days. I want to celebrate you Addie baby. I want to celebrate the incredible girl you are... To celebrate the time we had with you. To celebrate the way you continue to be a guiding light in our lives. To celebrate the fact that you made me a Mommy.

We couldn't resist buying you a beautiful Easter dress. Daddy found this one. I think it is perfect!

So often...I wonder what our lives would look like if we hadn't lost you.... If you didn't have so many mountains to face... I imagine watching you run around a play...Dancing and twirling. I imagine your sweet laugh would light a whole room...

Your headstone was delivered this past month....it turned out perfect with the stained glass pieces of your hands and feet.

I've slowly been listening to music again. Mainly songs that we sang to you. I remember some nights...when we first brought you home....the nights when you were still sleeping in your bassinet...before your seizures got so bad. There were nights when you simply just wanted to be awake...and sang to. Daddy and I would alternate sleeping. There were times when one of us would sing to you for at least two hours straight! You soaked up each moment...no crying at all...just staring up into our eyes...fighting off sleep.....Until you slowly would drift off once more. I loved watching you drift off to sleep. I loved imagining the beautiful things that an angel like you would dream. 

I'm so grateful for those nights sweet girl.

I want you to know that as much as we struggle, we are still trying. I know there are some things that I need to let go. Some painful memories that I can't continue to let control me...I hope you will slowly help me to learn how to turn that fully over into hands more capable than my own.

Adalyn, sometimes I feel like the hope in our lives has been reduced to a mere ember that occasionally glows. I promise that I will try my hardest not to completely let that ember burn out. I think there is a reason for hope. It is light. It is good....It keeps darkness and despair at bay... It gives us a reason to face each day.

I know right now, our hope isn't burning at it's brightest. But I want you to know that you are the reason our hope hasn't burned out. You are the light that keeps us moving...and someday...you will be the wind that ignites our little ember once more.

Addie, I feel so proud to be your mommy. I feel so amazed that I am lucky enough to have an angel for a daughter. I feel so grateful that you chose Daddy and I. As hard as this road is to walk, this path gave us you....so I will never regret walking down it.

This is a drawing that Daddy's sweet friend Lynda did for us. We finally found the perfect frame.

I pray you are oh so very happy my darling. I pray that you get to run through fields of the brightest flowers... I can't wait to run through them with you someday.. I pray that in absolutely every moment, you are filled with such glowing love.

I heard a song this past week.....It has brought my to tears each time I have listened to it. In some ways, I think it was written for you...and for us.

Calling All Angels-Jessie Clark Funk

A quiet voice is calling my name.
I hear you laughing,
but the question remains:
Are you dancing or playing above? Momma's aching to give you her love.

There's a smile I can't wait to see.
A lullaby that you loved to sing.
Just to know I'll hold you again
is the gift I'll hold until then.

Calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
When I close my eyes
I feel you near, I feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.

I know the plan was having you here.
Sometimes what's best is so unclear.
But baby girl put your hand in mine
While I walk through, the fire that refines.

I'm calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
When I close my eyes,
I feel you near, I feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.

Father of us all,
You know the reason that's she's gone.
She's in my heart
but in your arms.

Calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
When I close my eyes,
I feel you near, feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.
My little Angel.

I found a letter I wrote to you last April 16th of last year.... Here are parts of it...

"Knowing of the struggles you may face has only increased our love for you! We believe in you so much. We know you were sent here for a purpose. You have already taught us so much about faith, courage, hope and moving forward in the face of the unknown. It has been one of the hardest trials to think we might not get to have you very long in this life. We want you to know how much we want to be your parents! The thought of becoming a mother is one of the most beautiful and humbling experiences I have had. There are so many things I hope to teach you! So much good in this world I want to show you. Most of all though, the greatest thing we hope to teach you is how special you are. You are so precious and so loved...""

I really hope you felt how special you are Adalyn...I hope you felt how much we wanted you....and how much we love you. We miss you, sweet girl, with our whole hearts...always. These days, before I fall asleep, I whisper to you once more how much I love you. 

I think you're always close enough to hear it. 

XOXO

Mommy

A Letter to You

Hello my darling,

This past week you are nine whole months.

I know there will come a day when I no longer live by counting in month increments.... but I'm not there yet. 

I miss you in every breath.

A few nights ago, I went running again for the first time in a year. I didn't even make it a few blocks before all of my muscles were screaming. Before the chill of the evening air burned my lungs. But I didn't want to stop. I wanted to feel the burn. I wanted to feel my aching muscles.

I wanted to feel.

I wanted to feel you in the air. In the breeze that hit my face. I wanted to wrap myself in my memories of you as I played your song over and over.

I want to tell you how proud I am of you. I see your soft, penetrating spirit in the deep glow of the sunsets. I feel your noble strength when I look at your pictures. I feel the grace you carry yourself with when I think of all you endured. I know what a loving, happy girl you are. I am amazed at the beautiful light you are in so many lives....into my own. I am so amazed at all you have triumphed over.

We found pictures of you on Grandma's iPad. Daddy liked to call you his little Ewok in this one.

Being pregnant with you....and watching your life I always knew you were our miracle. And you know what I have realized? You still are. In every way. You have brought so many incredible people into my life sweet girl. You have taught me so many things.

Your calm, beautiful, happy and loving spirit has hit me so frequently. Each moment I feel it...I don't want to let go. I want to freeze time.

No one could have ever prepared me for life without you here. For the nights of endless tears...for the depth of my heart break.

Yet...no one could have described the depth of love that we have felt. No one could have told me how I would be changed in absolutely every way because of you.


Adalyn, you were sent here for us. And I will forever hold to each and every moment we had with you. Your purpose was so great that our Heavenly Father needed to you back home. I know one of your biggest roles is to be here with Daddy and I. To stay close by and help carry us through each moment.

I've been really struggling Addie baby....But I want you to know I am trying.

I will live every moment for you.

Oh how you loved to talk. I'm certain you spend so much of your time now talking and singing the days away!

I'm frequently wiping my lips smudges off the screen of my phone and your picture next to the bed from kissing them so much.

We recently went to see Uncle Kaycee graduate from basic training for the army...it was hard for me sweet girl. I ached to be surrounded by all of your pictures. There were many moments I felt your courage taking over when I felt my own was gone. I know you are proud too of how brave Uncle Kaycee has been.

I see so much joy....goodness...and beautiful moments happening in so many lives around us. Sometimes...I'm surprised at that. The moment you went back home to heaven....my world stopped. I guess a part of me still feels like the rest of the world should have stopped too. How does the world keep turning....and time keep moving...when I feel it should be frozen?


I haven't yet figured out how to keep moving. I haven't yet figured out the new "me..."

Caleb's sweet aunt sent us a "Caleb Lion" to help remind us to have courage...we love it so much. We thought he makes a good friend to your favorite Mr. Ja-graff.

Loosing you has been like putting on a new pair of glasses. I see everything so differently. But you know what my sweet girl? I think this is where I need to be. It is the hardest place imaginable to be. Grief is so many things...It is scary....it is devouring. It is beautiful. It is captivating. It is heart wrenching. It is sacred. It is lifelong.

I'm still here my sweet Adalyn. My purpose is you. Somehow....I will find "me" along this new journey. I love you with all I have. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy. Thank you for believing in me. You will always be the center of our world. The strength in every step. The hope in every sunrise.

I remember so many of our late nights Addie baby. The nights when you were having a hard time....and those terrible seizures....I would pull you over onto the mat with me. I would rub your sweet head....wipe away any tears and tell you how much I loved you until you fell back asleep. I would tell you to hold on....that it would be okay.

Many nights...I now picture you doing the same thing for me. Crawling next to me as I lay in bed....rubbing my head...wiping away my tears..whispering to me that it will be okay...that I made it through the day...That you love me....

Stay close Adalyn....I'll be looking for you.

XOXO

Mommy

P.S.....We finally got one of your pictures framed that our sweet cousins had drawn for you!

Grief.

It has been 3 weeks...

23 days since our sweet girl went back home. It feels like it has been much longer.

This past week, she would have turned 7 months.

In the mornings, I often don't want to get out of bed. I want to hide under my covers.....and not face another day without Adalyn. At night.... My mind is flooded with countless memories. With fears. With internal battles. I have nightmares frequently. Nightmares where I loose all that I hold most dear over and over.

Some moments, I feel like I just want to let myself fall into the dark hole of grief. To let it consume me completely. I am scared of so many things. There are so many things that scare me to relive. Many things that I still struggle and have a form of anxiety over. I miss our sweet baby. I miss her in every second. She is my missing piece. A part of me that I cannot stop longing for.

My heart feels like it has been crushed into tiny pieces, When I think of all that Adalyn had to suffer through, I feel sick. I can't breathe. Every part of me wishes I could have taken it from her. Sometimes, I am angry with myself that I couldn't. At times I feel like I somehow failed her. It is still too surreal to be able to wrap my mind around the problems she faced and endured. Babies are supposed to be born healthy and happy. They shouldn't have to know about pain or suffering. They are supposed to grow in their perfect, sweet innocence.

We should be singing her Christmas songs as we put her to sleep in a crib. Not at her grave. We should be picking out gifts for her first Christmas. Not her headstone.

The hot stream of my tears welling up has become an all too familiar feeling. 

This only skims the surface of our emotions as of late. But I share this because in grieving for Adalyn, I am learning some things.

This life can be painful. It can hurt in so many different ways. Our hearts go through so many trials.We often are faced with our deepest fears. This is something I am still trying to understand. There is so much suffering in this world...in each life...

I am learning what empathy means. I have been humbled and brought to tears by the love that has been poured into our lives. Even on the darkest of our days.....that love has been a ray of light for us. We cannot adequately articulate how grateful we are for the people who have reached out to us. To strangers, friends, family, neighbors, our church.... So many have simply cried with us. Because sometimes, there just are not words. I understand what it means to "mourn with those who mourn" through these people. I hear stories of what others have faced and my heart fills with compassion for them.....the broken pieces of my own heart ache for what they too have to face.

We made and decorated a tree for her grave. It turned out perfect!

I am learning the importance of reaching out. I look back on my life, on the times I have seen or heard of people facing trials. Many times, I didn't reach out....or withheld from saying anything.....assuming that my words...or my comfort might just be a burden....or that they were probably busy. Now, I see how silly that was. Each message, card, text, phone call.....it has meant so much to us. It has helped to give us hope...and comfort. The words from even strangers have been a light to us. The comfort that comes from knowing another person has prayed for us.....hoped for us....or been touched by Adalyn has continued to get us through each day.

I am learning that tears speak volumes. An amazing woman gave us a book with this quote:
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, or deep contrition and of unspeakable love." -Washington Irving

I am learning that the word grief is a small word to cover thousands of different emotions. There are layers and levels of grief. It bears saddness, dark days, unimaginable hurt, fear, denial, frustration, and helplessness. But it is somehow intertwined with happiness. comfort, hope and love.

I have learned that without my husband, I could not face any of this. He amazes me every day. I am forever grateful that I got to see him be a dad. To see his love for Adalyn is one of my greatest treasures. In seeing him break down, in tears and heart break.....I see only strength.

I wonder every day how we can do this. I question myself. I can go from being okay one moment, to a flood of tears the next.

Yet somehow....a new day continues to come.

We have been able to keep busy with a handful of different projects. Some things we have in the works to keep Adalyn's memory alive....and to share the miracle that she continues to be for us. Some things we are working on we will share. And some will be kept a secret....as we do things for others in attempts to share what Adalyn has given in our lives.

I don't know the answers to all things. I feel like I don't know much anymore these days. As much as I ache to, I cannot answer the "why" for the reason we had to say good-bye to our sweet girl.

All I know is that God loves us...with a love that we don't always comprehend. He weeps with us. He will send us tender mercies even in our darkest hours. During our hardest nights, we have felt the closeness of Adalyn. His love will always find us.

He loves me. Imperfect and broken me. 

This life is truly a beautiful gift. But that does not mean we won't face the hard. 

There will come a day when no more good-byes are said. When we will have eternity with our Adalyn Grace.

I believe that with my whole heart.

I know it. Because without that knowledge, we couldn't get through this. Despair and hopelessness would win. But we have felt to our very core the depth of love. It is real. Something that pure, that powerful.....there is no way it has an ending. It is infinite. 

My sister-in-law Heather, sent me this talk. I want to share just a portion of it...it was something I needed so much to hear:

"Please do not despair when fervent prayers have been offered and priesthood blessings performed and your loved one makes no improvement or even passes from mortality. Take comfort in the knowledge that you did everything you could. Such faith, fasting, and blessing could not be in vain! That your child did not recover in spite of all that was done in her behalf can and should be the basis for peace and reassurance to all who love her! The Lord—who inspires the blessings and who hears every earnest prayer—called her home nonetheless. All the experiences of prayer, fasting, and faith may well have been more for our benefit than for her." Lance B. Wickman. (Read the full thing here)

As someone close once said to us, "We won't just survive, we will thrive." Right now, we feel like we are just surviving. But we have to trust...that somehow....as scared as I may be....good days will come.

I wish there was a better way to individually thank so many of you who have reached out to us. To let you know what it has meant to us. Thank you for letting us share our story. For opening your hearts to a beautiful, incredible little girl. For letting us talk about Adalyn.  We will talk about her for the rest of our lives, she is a part of our lives....and we are forever grateful for the memories that we have with her.

Here is to you Addie baby. I am so proud of you, every day. I am amazed at the person you are. I am amazed at the love you brought us. I miss you deeply....but I am in awe of the miracle you are. Each day, I try to be as brave as you.

I absolutely love this video!

This is how I see you Adalyn, happy, full of love, and beautiful