Grief.

It has been 3 weeks...

23 days since our sweet girl went back home. It feels like it has been much longer.

This past week, she would have turned 7 months.

In the mornings, I often don't want to get out of bed. I want to hide under my covers.....and not face another day without Adalyn. At night.... My mind is flooded with countless memories. With fears. With internal battles. I have nightmares frequently. Nightmares where I loose all that I hold most dear over and over.

Some moments, I feel like I just want to let myself fall into the dark hole of grief. To let it consume me completely. I am scared of so many things. There are so many things that scare me to relive. Many things that I still struggle and have a form of anxiety over. I miss our sweet baby. I miss her in every second. She is my missing piece. A part of me that I cannot stop longing for.

My heart feels like it has been crushed into tiny pieces, When I think of all that Adalyn had to suffer through, I feel sick. I can't breathe. Every part of me wishes I could have taken it from her. Sometimes, I am angry with myself that I couldn't. At times I feel like I somehow failed her. It is still too surreal to be able to wrap my mind around the problems she faced and endured. Babies are supposed to be born healthy and happy. They shouldn't have to know about pain or suffering. They are supposed to grow in their perfect, sweet innocence.

We should be singing her Christmas songs as we put her to sleep in a crib. Not at her grave. We should be picking out gifts for her first Christmas. Not her headstone.

The hot stream of my tears welling up has become an all too familiar feeling. 

This only skims the surface of our emotions as of late. But I share this because in grieving for Adalyn, I am learning some things.

This life can be painful. It can hurt in so many different ways. Our hearts go through so many trials.We often are faced with our deepest fears. This is something I am still trying to understand. There is so much suffering in this world...in each life...

I am learning what empathy means. I have been humbled and brought to tears by the love that has been poured into our lives. Even on the darkest of our days.....that love has been a ray of light for us. We cannot adequately articulate how grateful we are for the people who have reached out to us. To strangers, friends, family, neighbors, our church.... So many have simply cried with us. Because sometimes, there just are not words. I understand what it means to "mourn with those who mourn" through these people. I hear stories of what others have faced and my heart fills with compassion for them.....the broken pieces of my own heart ache for what they too have to face.

We made and decorated a tree for her grave. It turned out perfect!

I am learning the importance of reaching out. I look back on my life, on the times I have seen or heard of people facing trials. Many times, I didn't reach out....or withheld from saying anything.....assuming that my words...or my comfort might just be a burden....or that they were probably busy. Now, I see how silly that was. Each message, card, text, phone call.....it has meant so much to us. It has helped to give us hope...and comfort. The words from even strangers have been a light to us. The comfort that comes from knowing another person has prayed for us.....hoped for us....or been touched by Adalyn has continued to get us through each day.

I am learning that tears speak volumes. An amazing woman gave us a book with this quote:
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, or deep contrition and of unspeakable love." -Washington Irving

I am learning that the word grief is a small word to cover thousands of different emotions. There are layers and levels of grief. It bears saddness, dark days, unimaginable hurt, fear, denial, frustration, and helplessness. But it is somehow intertwined with happiness. comfort, hope and love.

I have learned that without my husband, I could not face any of this. He amazes me every day. I am forever grateful that I got to see him be a dad. To see his love for Adalyn is one of my greatest treasures. In seeing him break down, in tears and heart break.....I see only strength.

I wonder every day how we can do this. I question myself. I can go from being okay one moment, to a flood of tears the next.

Yet somehow....a new day continues to come.

We have been able to keep busy with a handful of different projects. Some things we have in the works to keep Adalyn's memory alive....and to share the miracle that she continues to be for us. Some things we are working on we will share. And some will be kept a secret....as we do things for others in attempts to share what Adalyn has given in our lives.

I don't know the answers to all things. I feel like I don't know much anymore these days. As much as I ache to, I cannot answer the "why" for the reason we had to say good-bye to our sweet girl.

All I know is that God loves us...with a love that we don't always comprehend. He weeps with us. He will send us tender mercies even in our darkest hours. During our hardest nights, we have felt the closeness of Adalyn. His love will always find us.

He loves me. Imperfect and broken me. 

This life is truly a beautiful gift. But that does not mean we won't face the hard. 

There will come a day when no more good-byes are said. When we will have eternity with our Adalyn Grace.

I believe that with my whole heart.

I know it. Because without that knowledge, we couldn't get through this. Despair and hopelessness would win. But we have felt to our very core the depth of love. It is real. Something that pure, that powerful.....there is no way it has an ending. It is infinite. 

My sister-in-law Heather, sent me this talk. I want to share just a portion of it...it was something I needed so much to hear:

"Please do not despair when fervent prayers have been offered and priesthood blessings performed and your loved one makes no improvement or even passes from mortality. Take comfort in the knowledge that you did everything you could. Such faith, fasting, and blessing could not be in vain! That your child did not recover in spite of all that was done in her behalf can and should be the basis for peace and reassurance to all who love her! The Lord—who inspires the blessings and who hears every earnest prayer—called her home nonetheless. All the experiences of prayer, fasting, and faith may well have been more for our benefit than for her." Lance B. Wickman. (Read the full thing here)

As someone close once said to us, "We won't just survive, we will thrive." Right now, we feel like we are just surviving. But we have to trust...that somehow....as scared as I may be....good days will come.

I wish there was a better way to individually thank so many of you who have reached out to us. To let you know what it has meant to us. Thank you for letting us share our story. For opening your hearts to a beautiful, incredible little girl. For letting us talk about Adalyn.  We will talk about her for the rest of our lives, she is a part of our lives....and we are forever grateful for the memories that we have with her.

Here is to you Addie baby. I am so proud of you, every day. I am amazed at the person you are. I am amazed at the love you brought us. I miss you deeply....but I am in awe of the miracle you are. Each day, I try to be as brave as you.

I absolutely love this video!

This is how I see you Adalyn, happy, full of love, and beautiful