The Length of a Year

As I sit here and think about the past year....it all feels unreal. So much of me is still waiting for a person to pop out and shout just kidding! You were just having a bad dream! Then I will wake up....and still find myself in January of this year. Pregnant with a healthy little girl. We would welcome her into the world, wrapped all snug in our arms. David would graduate. We would move...he would begin working...and we would have our little family.

**I haven't yet shared these pictures. Our sweet and amazing family friend Ora took them the night before Adalyn passed...I want to share a few of them. We knew our time left with our sweet girl was running out. At the time...it seemed crazy to be taking pictures. Looking at them now...there are still so many emotions. I have no doubt angels were present the entire time...talking to and holding her. 

Yet....in 365 days our world has so drastically changed.

There are so many aspects of this year that come alive to haunt me in my dreams. The ultrasound we had as the doctor told me that there were many things completely wrong with our baby. Meetings with more doctors in preparing for her delivery....as they prepared us for the worst. The first meeting we had with her doctors after she was born....going in thinking it would be such a positive meeting..only to be told that there were hardly any aspects of Adalyn's brain that had formed correctly. Haunting dreams of the 38 nights spent leaving the hospital with empty arms. Reliving David going into heart failure.....watching both he and Adalyn prepare for surgery....seeing myself countless times sobbing on the floor of a hospital bathroom...scared I was going to loose both of them. Watching Adalyn seize over and over. Yet the most haunting is reliving moments of the last week and a half. Watching as the doctors failed intubation multiple times....and her breathing stop...and the monitors drop. Of bringing her home...knowing that there was nothing left we could do. Of watching her take her last breath. Knowing that I would never hold our baby alive again in this life.

2015 held many dark days. Days when it took all the strength I had to muster pray the words..."Please help us"

There are no words to describe how haunting each of those memories can be. Of the fears that are written on my heart.

But as 2015 comes to a close.....I find myself not wanting it to end. This year was heart-breaking in every possible way.....yet...I'm not ready to say good-bye to it. This year gave us Adalyn.

This year we experienced the deepest kind of love. We spent days and nights singing lullabies. We had snuggles.....we had poopy diapers. We had laughs. We had perfect toes and fingers to count. We had the cutest chubby cheeks and thighs to kiss. We had walks in the park.....and days spent laying on blankets....showing Adalyn the beauty in a little leaf....in the sun...in the sky. We were strong....the three of us. We were given a miracle. We were given time. We were taught by a beautiful little angel about what is most important in this life. She made me a mom...and taught be what a beautiful thing that is. She showed us courage......bravery....and unhinged love. She showed us strength. She gave us hope. And because of her....we have received such an outpouring of love into our lives.

I don't want 2016 to come. I don't to spend an entire year without here here in our arms. I don't want time to continue to pass. It is something that I have been wrestling with every day.

I felt the same way about Christmas, I didn't want it to come......and somehow it still came. The beginning of our Christmas morning was beautiful....we had Adalyn's stocking filled with such sweet notes and poems. We felt of her love so strongly. It was a hard day....and a solemn kind of Christmas...but it was filled with beautiful and tender moments.

I am scared of facing life without her here. In every way I long for her. So often I hear of the saying that after the storm....the clouds break and the sun begins to shine. But so often....I still feel like we are standing in the middle of the storm.....drowning in the rain. 

Somehow I have to find a way to stay afloat.....and as much as I don't want to some days....We have to find a way to live for her. To be better because of her. To always remember what she taught us and continues to teach us with her beautiful and strong spirit. As a very kind woman recently said....David and I are now "caretakers of Adalyn's legacy." I love that so much. And if sharing with the world the hope, love and courage she brought into our lives is how we can best care for her now......that is exactly what I will spend a lifetime doing.

I will share with the world that miracles happen. That strength comes in all sizes. That experiencing the love of a child is greater than any other achievement...degree...or honor in the world. That very type of love is pure and powerful.

I love you so much Addie baby. I miss you more and more each day. I don't know how to do this. How to live without you here. But I will try. I look for you in everything....for the whispers of your love.. The following is the book we got you for Christmas!

"I wanted you more than you will ever know, so I sent love to follow wherever you go..

It's as high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf. You'll never outgrow it....it stretches itself!  So climb any mountain...climb up to the sky! My love will find you....my love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb! My love will find you. My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends....if you're working...

Or playing...Or sitting with friends.

You can dance til you're dizzy...paint til you're blue...

There's no place, not one, that my love can't find you. 

And if someday, you're lonely, or someday your sad, or you strike out at baseball, or think you've been bad....

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair. That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there. 

In the green of the grass....in the smell of the sea....in the clouds floating by...at the top of a tree...in the sound crickets make at the end of the day....

You are loved. You are loved. You are loved, they all say. 

My love is so high, and so wide and so deep, it's always right there, even when you're asleep. 

So hold your head high and don't be afraid to march to the front of your own parade. If you're still my small babe or all the way grown, my promise to you is you're never alone. 

You're my angel, my darling, my star....and my love will find you, wherever you are."

Nancy Tillman "Wherever you are, my love will find you"

It's true sweet girl... We love you more then words could ever pen. I pray each day you always know we do. That our love will hold you....carry you...and continue to life you. I pray your love for us will do the very same thing. Stay extra close!