A Letter to You

Hello my darling,

This past week you are nine whole months.

I know there will come a day when I no longer live by counting in month increments.... but I'm not there yet. 

I miss you in every breath.

A few nights ago, I went running again for the first time in a year. I didn't even make it a few blocks before all of my muscles were screaming. Before the chill of the evening air burned my lungs. But I didn't want to stop. I wanted to feel the burn. I wanted to feel my aching muscles.

I wanted to feel.

I wanted to feel you in the air. In the breeze that hit my face. I wanted to wrap myself in my memories of you as I played your song over and over.

I want to tell you how proud I am of you. I see your soft, penetrating spirit in the deep glow of the sunsets. I feel your noble strength when I look at your pictures. I feel the grace you carry yourself with when I think of all you endured. I know what a loving, happy girl you are. I am amazed at the beautiful light you are in so many lives....into my own. I am so amazed at all you have triumphed over.

We found pictures of you on Grandma's iPad. Daddy liked to call you his little Ewok in this one.

Being pregnant with you....and watching your life I always knew you were our miracle. And you know what I have realized? You still are. In every way. You have brought so many incredible people into my life sweet girl. You have taught me so many things.

Your calm, beautiful, happy and loving spirit has hit me so frequently. Each moment I feel it...I don't want to let go. I want to freeze time.

No one could have ever prepared me for life without you here. For the nights of endless tears...for the depth of my heart break.

Yet...no one could have described the depth of love that we have felt. No one could have told me how I would be changed in absolutely every way because of you.


Adalyn, you were sent here for us. And I will forever hold to each and every moment we had with you. Your purpose was so great that our Heavenly Father needed to you back home. I know one of your biggest roles is to be here with Daddy and I. To stay close by and help carry us through each moment.

I've been really struggling Addie baby....But I want you to know I am trying.

I will live every moment for you.

Oh how you loved to talk. I'm certain you spend so much of your time now talking and singing the days away!

I'm frequently wiping my lips smudges off the screen of my phone and your picture next to the bed from kissing them so much.

We recently went to see Uncle Kaycee graduate from basic training for the army...it was hard for me sweet girl. I ached to be surrounded by all of your pictures. There were many moments I felt your courage taking over when I felt my own was gone. I know you are proud too of how brave Uncle Kaycee has been.

I see so much joy....goodness...and beautiful moments happening in so many lives around us. Sometimes...I'm surprised at that. The moment you went back home to heaven....my world stopped. I guess a part of me still feels like the rest of the world should have stopped too. How does the world keep turning....and time keep moving...when I feel it should be frozen?


I haven't yet figured out how to keep moving. I haven't yet figured out the new "me..."

Caleb's sweet aunt sent us a "Caleb Lion" to help remind us to have courage...we love it so much. We thought he makes a good friend to your favorite Mr. Ja-graff.

Loosing you has been like putting on a new pair of glasses. I see everything so differently. But you know what my sweet girl? I think this is where I need to be. It is the hardest place imaginable to be. Grief is so many things...It is scary....it is devouring. It is beautiful. It is captivating. It is heart wrenching. It is sacred. It is lifelong.

I'm still here my sweet Adalyn. My purpose is you. Somehow....I will find "me" along this new journey. I love you with all I have. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy. Thank you for believing in me. You will always be the center of our world. The strength in every step. The hope in every sunrise.

I remember so many of our late nights Addie baby. The nights when you were having a hard time....and those terrible seizures....I would pull you over onto the mat with me. I would rub your sweet head....wipe away any tears and tell you how much I loved you until you fell back asleep. I would tell you to hold on....that it would be okay.

Many nights...I now picture you doing the same thing for me. Crawling next to me as I lay in bed....rubbing my head...wiping away my tears..whispering to me that it will be okay...that I made it through the day...That you love me....

Stay close Adalyn....I'll be looking for you.

XOXO

Mommy

P.S.....We finally got one of your pictures framed that our sweet cousins had drawn for you!

The Length of a Year

As I sit here and think about the past year....it all feels unreal. So much of me is still waiting for a person to pop out and shout just kidding! You were just having a bad dream! Then I will wake up....and still find myself in January of this year. Pregnant with a healthy little girl. We would welcome her into the world, wrapped all snug in our arms. David would graduate. We would move...he would begin working...and we would have our little family.

**I haven't yet shared these pictures. Our sweet and amazing family friend Ora took them the night before Adalyn passed...I want to share a few of them. We knew our time left with our sweet girl was running out. At the time...it seemed crazy to be taking pictures. Looking at them now...there are still so many emotions. I have no doubt angels were present the entire time...talking to and holding her. 

Yet....in 365 days our world has so drastically changed.

There are so many aspects of this year that come alive to haunt me in my dreams. The ultrasound we had as the doctor told me that there were many things completely wrong with our baby. Meetings with more doctors in preparing for her delivery....as they prepared us for the worst. The first meeting we had with her doctors after she was born....going in thinking it would be such a positive meeting..only to be told that there were hardly any aspects of Adalyn's brain that had formed correctly. Haunting dreams of the 38 nights spent leaving the hospital with empty arms. Reliving David going into heart failure.....watching both he and Adalyn prepare for surgery....seeing myself countless times sobbing on the floor of a hospital bathroom...scared I was going to loose both of them. Watching Adalyn seize over and over. Yet the most haunting is reliving moments of the last week and a half. Watching as the doctors failed intubation multiple times....and her breathing stop...and the monitors drop. Of bringing her home...knowing that there was nothing left we could do. Of watching her take her last breath. Knowing that I would never hold our baby alive again in this life.

2015 held many dark days. Days when it took all the strength I had to muster pray the words..."Please help us"

There are no words to describe how haunting each of those memories can be. Of the fears that are written on my heart.

But as 2015 comes to a close.....I find myself not wanting it to end. This year was heart-breaking in every possible way.....yet...I'm not ready to say good-bye to it. This year gave us Adalyn.

This year we experienced the deepest kind of love. We spent days and nights singing lullabies. We had snuggles.....we had poopy diapers. We had laughs. We had perfect toes and fingers to count. We had the cutest chubby cheeks and thighs to kiss. We had walks in the park.....and days spent laying on blankets....showing Adalyn the beauty in a little leaf....in the sun...in the sky. We were strong....the three of us. We were given a miracle. We were given time. We were taught by a beautiful little angel about what is most important in this life. She made me a mom...and taught be what a beautiful thing that is. She showed us courage......bravery....and unhinged love. She showed us strength. She gave us hope. And because of her....we have received such an outpouring of love into our lives.

I don't want 2016 to come. I don't to spend an entire year without here here in our arms. I don't want time to continue to pass. It is something that I have been wrestling with every day.

I felt the same way about Christmas, I didn't want it to come......and somehow it still came. The beginning of our Christmas morning was beautiful....we had Adalyn's stocking filled with such sweet notes and poems. We felt of her love so strongly. It was a hard day....and a solemn kind of Christmas...but it was filled with beautiful and tender moments.

I am scared of facing life without her here. In every way I long for her. So often I hear of the saying that after the storm....the clouds break and the sun begins to shine. But so often....I still feel like we are standing in the middle of the storm.....drowning in the rain. 

Somehow I have to find a way to stay afloat.....and as much as I don't want to some days....We have to find a way to live for her. To be better because of her. To always remember what she taught us and continues to teach us with her beautiful and strong spirit. As a very kind woman recently said....David and I are now "caretakers of Adalyn's legacy." I love that so much. And if sharing with the world the hope, love and courage she brought into our lives is how we can best care for her now......that is exactly what I will spend a lifetime doing.

I will share with the world that miracles happen. That strength comes in all sizes. That experiencing the love of a child is greater than any other achievement...degree...or honor in the world. That very type of love is pure and powerful.

I love you so much Addie baby. I miss you more and more each day. I don't know how to do this. How to live without you here. But I will try. I look for you in everything....for the whispers of your love.. The following is the book we got you for Christmas!

"I wanted you more than you will ever know, so I sent love to follow wherever you go..

It's as high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf. You'll never outgrow it....it stretches itself!  So climb any mountain...climb up to the sky! My love will find you....my love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb! My love will find you. My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends....if you're working...

Or playing...Or sitting with friends.

You can dance til you're dizzy...paint til you're blue...

There's no place, not one, that my love can't find you. 

And if someday, you're lonely, or someday your sad, or you strike out at baseball, or think you've been bad....

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair. That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there. 

In the green of the grass....in the smell of the sea....in the clouds floating by...at the top of a tree...in the sound crickets make at the end of the day....

You are loved. You are loved. You are loved, they all say. 

My love is so high, and so wide and so deep, it's always right there, even when you're asleep. 

So hold your head high and don't be afraid to march to the front of your own parade. If you're still my small babe or all the way grown, my promise to you is you're never alone. 

You're my angel, my darling, my star....and my love will find you, wherever you are."

Nancy Tillman "Wherever you are, my love will find you"

It's true sweet girl... We love you more then words could ever pen. I pray each day you always know we do. That our love will hold you....carry you...and continue to life you. I pray your love for us will do the very same thing. Stay extra close!

A Different Christmas

How does time pass when I feel it should be frozen? How do days and weeks somehow still come when my heart feels like it has stopped?

My heart is utterly broken. It is like functioning with a giant black hole sitting next to me. Some moments, I just want to fall into that hole. To let it consume me......and get completely lost in it so I don't have to keep feeling. So often, I feel like just a shell of myself. I can complete tasks.....go through the day....run errands....but no matter what I am doing....I feel the emptiness pulling on my heart. 

I lay on the closet floor most nights.....staring up at Adalyn's clothes hanging and simply sob. I miss her. I miss absolutely everything. Some moments....I feel cheated. Cheated out of having a healthy pregnancy.....out of the excitement of preparing for her to arrive. Cheated of the moment of being the first to hold her. Cheated of getting to take her home soon after birth. Cheated out of spending this life watching her grow and develop. 

There are a lot a photos that I haven't shared yet of Adalyn...So I wanted to put some sweet ones up!

At times....I am easily irritated with myself...over little things...that spill into big things. Being flustered over misplacing something turns into frustration that I couldn't have done more. That we couldn't keep Adalyn alive....that maybe somehow I failed in some way. 

I long for Adalyn in a way that I never knew was possible. Each day I wake up....I have this sense of anticipation. Like I am waiting for a package to arrive in the mail. I wait and wait....constantly looking for that package. At the end of the day, I feel so defeated. I've realized recently it is Adalyn I am looking for....waiting to arrive. My whole soul and body feel like she should still be here....and so every day....it has the hope that she will somehow come back. 

Recently....David and I passed a stranger with a few kids running around. This stranger looked happy...but tired in some ways....and said.."Enjoy being alone while you can....after you have kids...everything gets much harder and not as fun...you have to wait til they grow."

Wham. 

I know that was likely said just out of exhaustion....but that comment has been on my mind ever since. Replaying over and over. I think so often there is something people tend to forget. 

Every part of our souls yearn to have a family for a reason. Because somehow we all know that having a child....and becoming a family is the greatest miracle to ever experience here on this earth. It is better than any weekend get away....movie.....or game can ever compare. It is beautiful and life changing. I'm not saying it isn't hard.....because David and I definitely know about hard.....but you know what? We would even trade to relive some of our hardest days with Adalyn if it meant holding her for a little longer. To have a little more time. 

Maybe we all get a little blindsided in some moments that we wish away the very thing we wanted so badly to have. I wish I could have told that stranger...that as hard as the days may be....there is nothing better. Boogery noses, temper tantrums.....long days....we wanted all of it. 

Those very things hit home for us this Christmas. If anyone knows me.....they know how much I love Christmas. The songs....the lights....the warmth....the smells....the magic of Santa. This Christmas season has been harder then words could convey. It has been different in every sense. Yet there have been some of the sweetest tender mercies.....such over-powering feelings of love. 

We have received such thoughtful cards....gifts...messages....dinners...phone calls... I have never in my life expected to be on the receiving end of such acts of love. Before Adalyn....when I would think of sending a message....bringing a dinner....or even writing a card...I felt like I was probably being somewhat of a burden to the person I was giving to. 

Being on the opposite side has showed me a new perspective on many things. Absolutely everything we have received has impacted us. In so many ways people have been our physical angels. Some how....on especially hard days....A card will show up in the mail. We will receive a message.... Or some one stops by with dinner or cookies. 

How could they ever know in those moments....how much they were needed?

Most of all....this time of year I have realized what the significance of Christmas really means in my life. I have felt such a closeness to our sweet Adalyn in so many ways. I have felt her love.....her happiness touch my heart. She continues to be such a pure....guiding light for David and I..... giving us perspective on every aspect of life. 

Oh how I miss those chubby little fingers! 

Because of a little child....born in the humblest of circumstances.....We will have our baby forever. Death will not win. As broken as I feel......as raw as our pain is..... I know there will come a day when we once more have her in our arms. When there will be no more good-byes. 

On the days when I feel that happiness in this life is gone.....when I feel angry at God.....when I feel the immense fear of loosing all I hold close..... 

I have to trust in the love I have for Adalyn. In the love she gave us. And in the birth of another...Who came into this world to become our Savior in every way. To, one day, make right every wrong we feel. 

I don't know all things. I, at times, feel like I am standing on legs made of jell-o that hasn't quite set up right.....

But I know what Adalyn brought into our lives was real....and pure....and powerful. 

She gave...and continues to give us the most precious gift that we will ever receive. 

Thank you to all who have been our angels at this time. For all you have done. We are not always the best at responding....or thanking enough. But thank you for letting us continue to share Adalyn. For letting us laugh...and cry. For this Christmas.....we hope that Adalyn's life and love will find it's way into your hearts.  For each of you to cherish the moments you have and hold to them.

Merry Chirstmas Adalyn Grace! We're so glad we sang you so many Christmas songs....I'm certain you're singing them all the time. I hope you are enjoying the lights as much as I do....though...they aren't nearly as bright as you are!  I miss you. I miss kissing your sweet cheeks...and blowing on your belly. I miss feeling the weight of you sleeping in my arms. I miss our nights together. We love you completely Addie baby. We know you are close.....and cannot wait to see you again! 

We took Adalyn to see Santa. It was definitely a tender experience...and the ladies were so kind. We have decided we don't want to miss out on her "firsts.." So pictures like this may pop up now and again. 

Grief.

It has been 3 weeks...

23 days since our sweet girl went back home. It feels like it has been much longer.

This past week, she would have turned 7 months.

In the mornings, I often don't want to get out of bed. I want to hide under my covers.....and not face another day without Adalyn. At night.... My mind is flooded with countless memories. With fears. With internal battles. I have nightmares frequently. Nightmares where I loose all that I hold most dear over and over.

Some moments, I feel like I just want to let myself fall into the dark hole of grief. To let it consume me completely. I am scared of so many things. There are so many things that scare me to relive. Many things that I still struggle and have a form of anxiety over. I miss our sweet baby. I miss her in every second. She is my missing piece. A part of me that I cannot stop longing for.

My heart feels like it has been crushed into tiny pieces, When I think of all that Adalyn had to suffer through, I feel sick. I can't breathe. Every part of me wishes I could have taken it from her. Sometimes, I am angry with myself that I couldn't. At times I feel like I somehow failed her. It is still too surreal to be able to wrap my mind around the problems she faced and endured. Babies are supposed to be born healthy and happy. They shouldn't have to know about pain or suffering. They are supposed to grow in their perfect, sweet innocence.

We should be singing her Christmas songs as we put her to sleep in a crib. Not at her grave. We should be picking out gifts for her first Christmas. Not her headstone.

The hot stream of my tears welling up has become an all too familiar feeling. 

This only skims the surface of our emotions as of late. But I share this because in grieving for Adalyn, I am learning some things.

This life can be painful. It can hurt in so many different ways. Our hearts go through so many trials.We often are faced with our deepest fears. This is something I am still trying to understand. There is so much suffering in this world...in each life...

I am learning what empathy means. I have been humbled and brought to tears by the love that has been poured into our lives. Even on the darkest of our days.....that love has been a ray of light for us. We cannot adequately articulate how grateful we are for the people who have reached out to us. To strangers, friends, family, neighbors, our church.... So many have simply cried with us. Because sometimes, there just are not words. I understand what it means to "mourn with those who mourn" through these people. I hear stories of what others have faced and my heart fills with compassion for them.....the broken pieces of my own heart ache for what they too have to face.

We made and decorated a tree for her grave. It turned out perfect!

I am learning the importance of reaching out. I look back on my life, on the times I have seen or heard of people facing trials. Many times, I didn't reach out....or withheld from saying anything.....assuming that my words...or my comfort might just be a burden....or that they were probably busy. Now, I see how silly that was. Each message, card, text, phone call.....it has meant so much to us. It has helped to give us hope...and comfort. The words from even strangers have been a light to us. The comfort that comes from knowing another person has prayed for us.....hoped for us....or been touched by Adalyn has continued to get us through each day.

I am learning that tears speak volumes. An amazing woman gave us a book with this quote:
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, or deep contrition and of unspeakable love." -Washington Irving

I am learning that the word grief is a small word to cover thousands of different emotions. There are layers and levels of grief. It bears saddness, dark days, unimaginable hurt, fear, denial, frustration, and helplessness. But it is somehow intertwined with happiness. comfort, hope and love.

I have learned that without my husband, I could not face any of this. He amazes me every day. I am forever grateful that I got to see him be a dad. To see his love for Adalyn is one of my greatest treasures. In seeing him break down, in tears and heart break.....I see only strength.

I wonder every day how we can do this. I question myself. I can go from being okay one moment, to a flood of tears the next.

Yet somehow....a new day continues to come.

We have been able to keep busy with a handful of different projects. Some things we have in the works to keep Adalyn's memory alive....and to share the miracle that she continues to be for us. Some things we are working on we will share. And some will be kept a secret....as we do things for others in attempts to share what Adalyn has given in our lives.

I don't know the answers to all things. I feel like I don't know much anymore these days. As much as I ache to, I cannot answer the "why" for the reason we had to say good-bye to our sweet girl.

All I know is that God loves us...with a love that we don't always comprehend. He weeps with us. He will send us tender mercies even in our darkest hours. During our hardest nights, we have felt the closeness of Adalyn. His love will always find us.

He loves me. Imperfect and broken me. 

This life is truly a beautiful gift. But that does not mean we won't face the hard. 

There will come a day when no more good-byes are said. When we will have eternity with our Adalyn Grace.

I believe that with my whole heart.

I know it. Because without that knowledge, we couldn't get through this. Despair and hopelessness would win. But we have felt to our very core the depth of love. It is real. Something that pure, that powerful.....there is no way it has an ending. It is infinite. 

My sister-in-law Heather, sent me this talk. I want to share just a portion of it...it was something I needed so much to hear:

"Please do not despair when fervent prayers have been offered and priesthood blessings performed and your loved one makes no improvement or even passes from mortality. Take comfort in the knowledge that you did everything you could. Such faith, fasting, and blessing could not be in vain! That your child did not recover in spite of all that was done in her behalf can and should be the basis for peace and reassurance to all who love her! The Lord—who inspires the blessings and who hears every earnest prayer—called her home nonetheless. All the experiences of prayer, fasting, and faith may well have been more for our benefit than for her." Lance B. Wickman. (Read the full thing here)

As someone close once said to us, "We won't just survive, we will thrive." Right now, we feel like we are just surviving. But we have to trust...that somehow....as scared as I may be....good days will come.

I wish there was a better way to individually thank so many of you who have reached out to us. To let you know what it has meant to us. Thank you for letting us share our story. For opening your hearts to a beautiful, incredible little girl. For letting us talk about Adalyn.  We will talk about her for the rest of our lives, she is a part of our lives....and we are forever grateful for the memories that we have with her.

Here is to you Addie baby. I am so proud of you, every day. I am amazed at the person you are. I am amazed at the love you brought us. I miss you deeply....but I am in awe of the miracle you are. Each day, I try to be as brave as you.

I absolutely love this video!

This is how I see you Adalyn, happy, full of love, and beautiful

A Day To Be Thankful.....Even With a Broken Heart.

My sweet Adalyn....

How has it only been a week and six days since you passed away? It already feels like a lifetime. Each day feels like a year. My head is still swimming. My heart longs for you so deeply.

I see you in everything. I listen to your song over and over and stare at your pictures. I walk in to the closet and see your clothes and my breath catches in my throat. I still haven't been able to wash the last jammies you wore. Or your towel in the bathroom.

I walked in to Harmons yesterday and had a small anxiety attack. I've never had one of those before.... But I felt like I couldn't breathe fully. Like the world was closing in. The last time I had been in there was to fill one of your prescriptions.

Your funeral was so beautiful.  Your casket was amazing. It is still surreal to use those words. I know you were with us that day. You got us through. I felt like I was on auto-pilot the whole time. You have touched so many hearts. Daddy and I have been carried by the thoughtful acts of family...friends...and even strangers. The past two weeks have been more humbling than I could have ever imagine. Each day since your funeral has been harder and harder as the reality of you passing away sets in.

Your casket was beautiful. The owners of Figs Caskets in Orderville handmade it for you. 

Uncle Hyram made the designs with your hands and feet that were engraved onto it.

I think Daddy and I could fill up an ocean with the tears we've cried. We miss you immensely. I have been sleeping with your blanket. So does your Dad. Some nights, we put your boppy on the floor in the living room where you would lay....and snuggle close next to it. I miss holding you. I miss bathing you. I miss staying up with you all night. I miss rubbing your soft hair and playing with your curls. I miss the way it felt to have you close.

Without you here...everything feels so empty. I can be in a room full of people, yet my whole soul still longs for you. You will forever be my missing piece. So many times a day I think.. "How can I do this? How can life still be going on with you gone? How does the world continue? " It feels like the whole world should have stopped.

There are so many things that scare me baby girl. Some memories that are hard to relive.

All of the kids released a balloon. I loved seeing how excited they were....I'm sure you loved it too!

Mornings and nights are the hardest for me Addie baby. In the afternoons, I can function okay. I can even, for some moments, be a little numb to all of my emotions. I pray so much throughout the day to feel you close by.....and am so grateful to have felt you.

Today  is Thanksgiving. I can't believe it sweet girl. How could the holidays come without you? Today is hard. So hard....but because of you....I have so much to be grateful for.

You brought so much love into our lives.
You taught us to be better people.
You helped us learn how truly important each moment is.
You reminded us that life is a beautiful gift...each day is how we use that gift.
You gave us hope.
You taught us the reality that God lives. That He is in the details of our lives.
You brought some of the most incredible people into our lives.
You helped me fall even more in love with your Daddy.

Seeing so many little families around makes my eyes well up....because of what you taught me. You made me realize what a beautiful thing it is to be needed and loved by a child. There is nothing greater. There is nothing more precious to hold then a little hand.

I could go on and on about the reasons I am so grateful for you Adalyn, You gave me so much in the 6 months and 11 days we had you here. I have no doubt I will continue to learn from you.

I hope you never forget how deeply you are loved. I pray for you every day.....that you will stay close by....that you can know how much you meant to us......and for us to always remember the lessons you taught us. I believe prayer is eternal sweet girl. And I know you can feel it too.

Missing you feels like a giant nail has pierced my heart.....and every few hours that nail gets hit with a hammer. The pain of missing you takes my breath away.....and reverberates into every part of my soul.

I don't want anyone to forget the memory of you. So I will continue to write. I will continue to share your story. To share all the good you brought....and the lessons you taught. Your story is one of hope...strength...endurance...and powerful love. Your mark on the world will continue.

So here is to you,  Addie baby. Thank you for who you were.....who you are......and the impact have on us. We will very slowly re-learn who we are with how much we have changed this past year.. I know this holiday season is going to be incredibly hard...Christmas is my favorite time of year... I wanted to be able to watch you in all of your "firsts." However......even knowing this will be the hardest Christmas we have ever experienced.....I know it will also be the most beautiful....the most spiritual. I will see you in all the good. The lights. The smells. The songs. The warmth. The hope. In celebrating the birth of our Savior.

Look closely. 

Your Daddy and I long for you.....We will spend a lifetime longing for you. We love you more than words can describe.

Happy Thanksgiving Adalyn Grace. You will forever be the reason I am grateful for all that I have. Our lives are so blessed. Thank you for helping me to see the good.

Your life showed me that no matter what we are facing....hope follows. Gratitude can be found in the hardest of moments. It is a ray of light in a dark tunnel.

Stay close to me baby, I need you in every moment.