A Day To Be Thankful.....Even With a Broken Heart.

My sweet Adalyn....

How has it only been a week and six days since you passed away? It already feels like a lifetime. Each day feels like a year. My head is still swimming. My heart longs for you so deeply.

I see you in everything. I listen to your song over and over and stare at your pictures. I walk in to the closet and see your clothes and my breath catches in my throat. I still haven't been able to wash the last jammies you wore. Or your towel in the bathroom.

I walked in to Harmons yesterday and had a small anxiety attack. I've never had one of those before.... But I felt like I couldn't breathe fully. Like the world was closing in. The last time I had been in there was to fill one of your prescriptions.

Your funeral was so beautiful.  Your casket was amazing. It is still surreal to use those words. I know you were with us that day. You got us through. I felt like I was on auto-pilot the whole time. You have touched so many hearts. Daddy and I have been carried by the thoughtful acts of family...friends...and even strangers. The past two weeks have been more humbling than I could have ever imagine. Each day since your funeral has been harder and harder as the reality of you passing away sets in.

Your casket was beautiful. The owners of Figs Caskets in Orderville handmade it for you. 

Uncle Hyram made the designs with your hands and feet that were engraved onto it.

I think Daddy and I could fill up an ocean with the tears we've cried. We miss you immensely. I have been sleeping with your blanket. So does your Dad. Some nights, we put your boppy on the floor in the living room where you would lay....and snuggle close next to it. I miss holding you. I miss bathing you. I miss staying up with you all night. I miss rubbing your soft hair and playing with your curls. I miss the way it felt to have you close.

Without you here...everything feels so empty. I can be in a room full of people, yet my whole soul still longs for you. You will forever be my missing piece. So many times a day I think.. "How can I do this? How can life still be going on with you gone? How does the world continue? " It feels like the whole world should have stopped.

There are so many things that scare me baby girl. Some memories that are hard to relive.

All of the kids released a balloon. I loved seeing how excited they were....I'm sure you loved it too!

Mornings and nights are the hardest for me Addie baby. In the afternoons, I can function okay. I can even, for some moments, be a little numb to all of my emotions. I pray so much throughout the day to feel you close by.....and am so grateful to have felt you.

Today  is Thanksgiving. I can't believe it sweet girl. How could the holidays come without you? Today is hard. So hard....but because of you....I have so much to be grateful for.

You brought so much love into our lives.
You taught us to be better people.
You helped us learn how truly important each moment is.
You reminded us that life is a beautiful gift...each day is how we use that gift.
You gave us hope.
You taught us the reality that God lives. That He is in the details of our lives.
You brought some of the most incredible people into our lives.
You helped me fall even more in love with your Daddy.

Seeing so many little families around makes my eyes well up....because of what you taught me. You made me realize what a beautiful thing it is to be needed and loved by a child. There is nothing greater. There is nothing more precious to hold then a little hand.

I could go on and on about the reasons I am so grateful for you Adalyn, You gave me so much in the 6 months and 11 days we had you here. I have no doubt I will continue to learn from you.

I hope you never forget how deeply you are loved. I pray for you every day.....that you will stay close by....that you can know how much you meant to us......and for us to always remember the lessons you taught us. I believe prayer is eternal sweet girl. And I know you can feel it too.

Missing you feels like a giant nail has pierced my heart.....and every few hours that nail gets hit with a hammer. The pain of missing you takes my breath away.....and reverberates into every part of my soul.

I don't want anyone to forget the memory of you. So I will continue to write. I will continue to share your story. To share all the good you brought....and the lessons you taught. Your story is one of hope...strength...endurance...and powerful love. Your mark on the world will continue.

So here is to you,  Addie baby. Thank you for who you were.....who you are......and the impact have on us. We will very slowly re-learn who we are with how much we have changed this past year.. I know this holiday season is going to be incredibly hard...Christmas is my favorite time of year... I wanted to be able to watch you in all of your "firsts." However......even knowing this will be the hardest Christmas we have ever experienced.....I know it will also be the most beautiful....the most spiritual. I will see you in all the good. The lights. The smells. The songs. The warmth. The hope. In celebrating the birth of our Savior.

Look closely. 

Your Daddy and I long for you.....We will spend a lifetime longing for you. We love you more than words can describe.

Happy Thanksgiving Adalyn Grace. You will forever be the reason I am grateful for all that I have. Our lives are so blessed. Thank you for helping me to see the good.

Your life showed me that no matter what we are facing....hope follows. Gratitude can be found in the hardest of moments. It is a ray of light in a dark tunnel.

Stay close to me baby, I need you in every moment.  

Needed.

It's Father's Day.

David and I are still trying to wrap our minds around being parents!

In seeing David with our sweet little Adalyn....I see how incredibly blessed I am to have him. Seeing the way he loves our daughter is absolutely beautiful.

I read a saying recently...

"A daughter needs a dad.....because without him, she would have less of the life she deserves."

I couldn't put it into better words. Without David, Adalyn wouldn't completely have all the love she deserves.....all the hugs, songs, cuddles.....and all the in between. Being a father is so much more than merely a presence.. It is a continual action.

It is a need. 

Not just by Adalyn.....but by me too.

As much as we have absolutely loved being home.....it has been hard in many ways. I have so many days where I feel so completely inadequate to be Adalyn's mom. Of feeling so inadequate and unprepared to face the future.

I have had so many moments of jealousy in ways. Longing for the ability to simply just walk into the next room while holding Adalyn and not having it be a huge packing ordeal. I have moments of fear.....as we are up in the wee hours of the morning...using the suction machine on her because she has gotten too mucusy....afraid and I will do it wrong and make her bleed or gag. Or the fear that comes with her seizures...of watching her stop breathing, her color change...feeling so helpless in waiting for her to come back out of it.

We are still afraid of leaving her for very long.....even if it just means going upstairs without her. I am afraid of her having yet another seizure...and not being there...only to hear the oxygen monitor go off...and feeling my heart sink. I am scared at times in watching her as she is more alert...wondering how things are going to be developmentally for her. Wondering about the time we have with her.

It is in these panicked moments that mind my goes back to the week of having both David and Adalyn in the hospital....the fear of losing either one of them bubbles right back up to the surface and my dam of emotions breaks.

It is then I need David too. His love. The comfort and strength he gives me. In wrapping his arms around me and reminding me that I am enough. That we will get through this together. That it will get easier to bear in time.

Being a father is the biggest commitment. It is life-long. It is demanding. It is beautiful. It requires so much sacrifice....

It is essential.

Last night..... as I tried in vain to rock Adalyn to sleep....Feeling exhausted.....Feeling not good enough to be a mom.....I prayed in defeat....Asking my Heavenly Father how he couldn't see how much I was struggling. Asking him to please help me in some way.....just to see His will. I needed something. Comfort. Peace.....Something to get me through the hard hours.

I realized then how much I have truly have needed Him too.

Before....I have at times thought of God as someone who loves us so much....who has done so much for us....I had faith in Him....in His plans.....It all seemed great..

Adalyn's first "selfie"

But I failed to fully grasp of His importance in my life. I guess I never truly understood how much I needed Him. I needed Him to pull me through the moments when I felt at the thread end of my rope. I needed Him to give me courage. I needed Him to show me hope when I couldn't see it. I needed Him to help me feel like I was enough to face this.

The ultimate father.

I am so blessed, my friends....to have so much love in my life. There truly has been so much good in it...even with the hard.

David is doing and feeling so much better. Adalyn is growing and growing, she is over 10 pounds now! She is so special....so loving. The moments of her staring right at me...in quiet wonder melt my heart. We are blessed to be able to stay in the basement apartment of my in-laws....to have them so close. I cannot even being to describe how thankful we are for their love and support each day. Adalyn has been put on another seizure medicine and we are holding to hope that it will begin to control her seizures.

This week we are headed back to Northern Utah for a few of Adalyn's follow up appointments.

Again to all of you Dads out there.....I hope you know how much of an impact you have. All the good you do. And the way you change lives for the better. You are not just wanted. Your love is needed in every moment. 

Getting Through...

Last week I felt that so many aspects of my little world were simply dangling by a thread. I felt like I couldn't think more than a few hours ahead at a time. For all of you who have shared our story.....who have prayed for us.....visited....called...sent messages...we are so incredibly grateful. Words cannot even describe how much it has meant.

Today we got the most humbling visit from David's classmate Trevor and his lovely wife Kiera. Thinking of their visit we still get emotional. They brought a gift from all of his classmates...I don't know if I can ever truly express how much their act of kindness has impacted our lives. He met some of the most amazing people through the physical therapy program! We are so lucky to have them in our lives.

We don't even know where to begin to say thank you. You all may never realize how much you have helped us...and carried us through your words and actions. We never expected to be on the receiving end of such enormous amounts of love, support and prayers. To be in the situation where we have truly needed it.

After David was admitted to the hospital last week....he lost about 15 pounds of fluid in two days. With all of the fluid off of him...he started feeling so much better! Loosing so much weight that fast though drained him of his energy.. However.....if you ask David...he will always tell you he is feeling good. He is never one to admit when he isn't feeling well.

Since they knew we had a baby in the NICU....and that we would still be around....they discharged him on Sunday and set up surgery for Wednesday.

Adalyn had her surgery to get her G-tube placed on Tuesday of this week. Nothing could have prepared us for how hard that was going to be. How hard it would be to watch her be hungry for the hours before. How hard it would be to watch them wheel her back.......knowing that a little baby wouldn't understand the pain she would later experience.How hard it would be to know they were about to pierce her perfect little stomach. Or how hard it would be to see her recover.

She was intubated for surgery....and they wanted to leave the vent on for 6 hours following surgery to allow her time to wake up from anesthesia and breathe on her own again. It was the most heart wrenching and longest 6 hours. Adalyn began to wake up....and scream. However....because she was intubated......there was no sound. David and I had to hold her little arms down for close to two hours....and watch her silently scream...trying to give her comfort. That image will forever haunt my dreams. We felt so helpless.

The first few hours following surgery.

We questioned everything that night. Was surgery the right thing?? Did we just bring her into this world to suffer? After they pulled the tube.....her throat was so sore.... Her cry wasn't much louder than a scratchy whimper. Our hearts felt again like they were breaking.  Knowing she was in pain. Knowing she still couldn't eat for 12 more hours. Knowing we had to leave her again for the night without our comfort.

It was awful. I would never wish that upon anyone.

The very next day....David went in for surgery. I was a million times more nervous then I would let myself admit. They were planning on exploring around in his heart...and replacing one of the valves. Then for good measure....taking a liver biopsy....since his liver had some damage from the week before. However...once they got inside his heart....they were taken by surprise. (Which shouldn't have been a shocker...David always seems to have that effect of doctors). They saw some other areas that are leaking. So....as a result....they didn't want to fix his valve and in turn cause problems elsewhere. This week they will have a meeting to decide what will be the next best step to take and address what should be fixed. For now though....David is discharged...recovering... and doing so much better then last week. The hope is that we can keep him this way as long as possible and prolong another procedure!

When David was discharged that evening.. I brought the car around to pick him up. As he stood up....I noticed his neck bandage was filled with blood.One of the veins they had gone in had sprung a leak. Of course. Why would leaving the hospital ever be easy?!

Aimee, his lovely sister, was there to wheel him back up quickly while I parked the car again. Luckily....it was a quick fix. He was given a shot to help the blood clot and stop bleeding. Even with that..I was feeling so hopeful. Adalyn was recovering well....David had made it through...and we had a discharge date for Saturday!

Lately....I at times feel just when I get my hopes set on something....things take another turn for the worse.

Adalyn's G-tube site got infected. 

For yet another time.....I had to hold her sweet little arms down as they poked and poked in search of a good vein to start an IV. I never would have imagined that my soul could feel so stretched so often. I wanted to sob with her. Coming back to tell David was another hit. Our hopes of taking her home sailed out the window...for up to another week. It wasn't supposed to be like this. A new baby is supposed to worry only about eating....sleeping....pooping....and getting all the snuggles in the world.

Yet Adalyn's first month has been filled with painstaking test after test. Poke after poke. Beeping monitors. IV's. Assessments. Tears. Surgery. On and on it seems.

Evenings are the hardest. When our thoughts catch up to us.....and the autopilot mode slightly switches off. Seeking understanding is hard. The past month has felt like a continuous battle that we are trying to wage.....A battle that is uphill. In a blizzard. With no shoes on. It has felt like each piece of good news we receive is followed with the bad.

I have worried until I was certain my hair would be white. I have cried until I was certain I could fill a pool. I have felt afraid. And scared. And frustrated. I have wanted to run and hide......certain I was not strong enough. 

Strength. What it all comes back to. What is it? I have asked myself that very question so many times in these past few months. I thought I knew. People have told us lately that we are strong. Honestly.....we don't feel that way. I think if most people saw us all the time...,they would see what a mess we are most of the time.

Most days we just get through. And I have decided that's okay. I don't know if there is any sort of manual about how to be amazingly great or a rockstar at getting through trials. (If there was I would have bought a dozen copies by now).

My sister shared this scripture with me the night we found that Adalyn had an infection:

Isaiah 40:29
He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.

I have thought of that so frequently. Most days I feel exactly that way.....that I have no might. No strength. I have come to realize that even on the days we are simply getting through....we are only able to do so because of Christ's strength. He is the one that gets us through the tough days....and through the days that we wonder if there really are happier days ahead.

I don't know if understand the reasons why....I don't know that we ever will. I do know however...that because of the past month.....because of Adalyn,....because of all the incredible people in our lives.....we always we have felt more love than we ever knew was possible.  I felt somehow even more love for my husband and the person he is.

Even though it doesn't always feel like it....we know that our hospital days will come to an end. That somehow....there are happier days ahead. Beautiful days. Amazing days that we will get to spend together with our sweet little girl.

For that.....we can't wait. 

Lifted.

My heart is so full. 

I'm 8 months pregnant....and healthy. 

We have felt the prayers of so many people on our behalf and for our little girl. I wish I could adequately express how thankful I am for the support of so many people. Between the cards, little notes, baby showers, texts and phone calls....I don't even know where to begin to express my gratitude.

Trials come in all shapes and sizes. And I have come to realize how grateful I am for our situation. (Thankful for a trial? I know....I must be crazy...). But we have felt such an outpouring of love...and we have come to love our little girl even more as a result.

After this week, we begin to jump into the sea of unknown that awaits us.  It is crazy to think that within the next two months....all of our questions...all of the unknown we are facing....will have an answer. David finishes his last rotation here...and then we will head to Salt Lake for the last month of our pregnancy to be closer to the doctors working with us. During this time, David will continue interviewing for potential jobs.....preparing to take his board exams....and preparing to graduate.

We know the outcome of our little girl's life is uncertain. We know this could possibly be a long road for her. However....the past few weeks especially....David and I have felt a powerful sense of hope. 

I know some people are afraid of us getting our hopes up too high....afraid that we will be disappointed or heartbroken....

But I have come to realize something. That doesn't matter. What matters is where David and I stand.

Christ's miracles are real. Both David and I have seen far too many in our lives to doubt that. In fact, David's whole life is a miracle....that he is here and healthy and graduating with his doctorate. 

I am sure that when Christ said He could heal the blind.....cause the deaf to see.....or the lame to walk..there were plenty of people who thought it couldn't be done. Not because they were bad or because they didn't want those things to happen....but because it seemed far to great. Impossible even.

Regardless of doubt....He did perform each of those miracles. And because He is the same yesterday, today and forever....I have no doubt that He can perform a miracle for our little girl.

Because He already has. Being pregnant....feeling her move....seeing her (and myself!) grow....is a miracle. Our little girl has a purpose, we know that beyond a shadow of doubt. As her parents.....we will continue to believe in her with our entire hearts.  I am learning more every day what that truly means.

We will also continue to believe that we will be guided to where we need to be. That David will get a job that will be the perfect fit for our family. That he will be able to do all that is required of him the next month and a half.

We will continue to wait in faith. Knowing that we are carried, and lifted. 

So....to all of you who have been there for us...

To our family....who have let us pour out all of our emotions, housed us, fed us, supported us, or laughed with us. To our friends.....who have showed us such unbiased love and kindness. To our ward families, both old and current.....who have kept track of us.....and kept us afloat with their words of support. To both of our bosses.....who have put up with the roller coaster of our emotions....and have continued to believe in us.....To those who have stumbled across our blog and sent words of comfort...

I thank you. I thank you with everything in my heart. You may never read this.... But it is because of each of you that we have also been continually lifted. You may never know the impact your sweet words, prayers and actions have had on us.

Please continue it. It is powerful. And we have needed it. Never underestimate the power of your prayers for others. Prayer never falls on empty ears. There is One who hears and strengthens. 

This video is incredibly powerful! If you have ever had a moment...small or great of struggle..watch this. It is beautiful. 

It was so much fun taking these. Thanks to the lovely Shauna Brown for taking our photos. And for feeding us. And housing us....

The list could go on and on! 

I am one lucky girl!

Remember how we think we're funny? David's face kills me....with that much excitement....our little girl couldn't be loved more!

The best thing about this next month will be in seeing David be a daddy. He will be the worlds best. Hands down. He already does so much for us!