A Day To Be Thankful.....Even With a Broken Heart.

My sweet Adalyn....

How has it only been a week and six days since you passed away? It already feels like a lifetime. Each day feels like a year. My head is still swimming. My heart longs for you so deeply.

I see you in everything. I listen to your song over and over and stare at your pictures. I walk in to the closet and see your clothes and my breath catches in my throat. I still haven't been able to wash the last jammies you wore. Or your towel in the bathroom.

I walked in to Harmons yesterday and had a small anxiety attack. I've never had one of those before.... But I felt like I couldn't breathe fully. Like the world was closing in. The last time I had been in there was to fill one of your prescriptions.

Your funeral was so beautiful.  Your casket was amazing. It is still surreal to use those words. I know you were with us that day. You got us through. I felt like I was on auto-pilot the whole time. You have touched so many hearts. Daddy and I have been carried by the thoughtful acts of family...friends...and even strangers. The past two weeks have been more humbling than I could have ever imagine. Each day since your funeral has been harder and harder as the reality of you passing away sets in.

Your casket was beautiful. The owners of Figs Caskets in Orderville handmade it for you. 

Uncle Hyram made the designs with your hands and feet that were engraved onto it.

I think Daddy and I could fill up an ocean with the tears we've cried. We miss you immensely. I have been sleeping with your blanket. So does your Dad. Some nights, we put your boppy on the floor in the living room where you would lay....and snuggle close next to it. I miss holding you. I miss bathing you. I miss staying up with you all night. I miss rubbing your soft hair and playing with your curls. I miss the way it felt to have you close.

Without you here...everything feels so empty. I can be in a room full of people, yet my whole soul still longs for you. You will forever be my missing piece. So many times a day I think.. "How can I do this? How can life still be going on with you gone? How does the world continue? " It feels like the whole world should have stopped.

There are so many things that scare me baby girl. Some memories that are hard to relive.

All of the kids released a balloon. I loved seeing how excited they were....I'm sure you loved it too!

Mornings and nights are the hardest for me Addie baby. In the afternoons, I can function okay. I can even, for some moments, be a little numb to all of my emotions. I pray so much throughout the day to feel you close by.....and am so grateful to have felt you.

Today  is Thanksgiving. I can't believe it sweet girl. How could the holidays come without you? Today is hard. So hard....but because of you....I have so much to be grateful for.

You brought so much love into our lives.
You taught us to be better people.
You helped us learn how truly important each moment is.
You reminded us that life is a beautiful gift...each day is how we use that gift.
You gave us hope.
You taught us the reality that God lives. That He is in the details of our lives.
You brought some of the most incredible people into our lives.
You helped me fall even more in love with your Daddy.

Seeing so many little families around makes my eyes well up....because of what you taught me. You made me realize what a beautiful thing it is to be needed and loved by a child. There is nothing greater. There is nothing more precious to hold then a little hand.

I could go on and on about the reasons I am so grateful for you Adalyn, You gave me so much in the 6 months and 11 days we had you here. I have no doubt I will continue to learn from you.

I hope you never forget how deeply you are loved. I pray for you every day.....that you will stay close by....that you can know how much you meant to us......and for us to always remember the lessons you taught us. I believe prayer is eternal sweet girl. And I know you can feel it too.

Missing you feels like a giant nail has pierced my heart.....and every few hours that nail gets hit with a hammer. The pain of missing you takes my breath away.....and reverberates into every part of my soul.

I don't want anyone to forget the memory of you. So I will continue to write. I will continue to share your story. To share all the good you brought....and the lessons you taught. Your story is one of hope...strength...endurance...and powerful love. Your mark on the world will continue.

So here is to you,  Addie baby. Thank you for who you were.....who you are......and the impact have on us. We will very slowly re-learn who we are with how much we have changed this past year.. I know this holiday season is going to be incredibly hard...Christmas is my favorite time of year... I wanted to be able to watch you in all of your "firsts." However......even knowing this will be the hardest Christmas we have ever experienced.....I know it will also be the most beautiful....the most spiritual. I will see you in all the good. The lights. The smells. The songs. The warmth. The hope. In celebrating the birth of our Savior.

Look closely. 

Your Daddy and I long for you.....We will spend a lifetime longing for you. We love you more than words can describe.

Happy Thanksgiving Adalyn Grace. You will forever be the reason I am grateful for all that I have. Our lives are so blessed. Thank you for helping me to see the good.

Your life showed me that no matter what we are facing....hope follows. Gratitude can be found in the hardest of moments. It is a ray of light in a dark tunnel.

Stay close to me baby, I need you in every moment.