A Different Christmas

How does time pass when I feel it should be frozen? How do days and weeks somehow still come when my heart feels like it has stopped?

My heart is utterly broken. It is like functioning with a giant black hole sitting next to me. Some moments, I just want to fall into that hole. To let it consume me......and get completely lost in it so I don't have to keep feeling. So often, I feel like just a shell of myself. I can complete tasks.....go through the day....run errands....but no matter what I am doing....I feel the emptiness pulling on my heart. 

I lay on the closet floor most nights.....staring up at Adalyn's clothes hanging and simply sob. I miss her. I miss absolutely everything. Some moments....I feel cheated. Cheated out of having a healthy pregnancy.....out of the excitement of preparing for her to arrive. Cheated of the moment of being the first to hold her. Cheated of getting to take her home soon after birth. Cheated out of spending this life watching her grow and develop. 

There are a lot a photos that I haven't shared yet of Adalyn...So I wanted to put some sweet ones up!

At times....I am easily irritated with myself...over little things...that spill into big things. Being flustered over misplacing something turns into frustration that I couldn't have done more. That we couldn't keep Adalyn alive....that maybe somehow I failed in some way. 

I long for Adalyn in a way that I never knew was possible. Each day I wake up....I have this sense of anticipation. Like I am waiting for a package to arrive in the mail. I wait and wait....constantly looking for that package. At the end of the day, I feel so defeated. I've realized recently it is Adalyn I am looking for....waiting to arrive. My whole soul and body feel like she should still be here....and so every day....it has the hope that she will somehow come back. 

Recently....David and I passed a stranger with a few kids running around. This stranger looked happy...but tired in some ways....and said.."Enjoy being alone while you can....after you have kids...everything gets much harder and not as fun...you have to wait til they grow."

Wham. 

I know that was likely said just out of exhaustion....but that comment has been on my mind ever since. Replaying over and over. I think so often there is something people tend to forget. 

Every part of our souls yearn to have a family for a reason. Because somehow we all know that having a child....and becoming a family is the greatest miracle to ever experience here on this earth. It is better than any weekend get away....movie.....or game can ever compare. It is beautiful and life changing. I'm not saying it isn't hard.....because David and I definitely know about hard.....but you know what? We would even trade to relive some of our hardest days with Adalyn if it meant holding her for a little longer. To have a little more time. 

Maybe we all get a little blindsided in some moments that we wish away the very thing we wanted so badly to have. I wish I could have told that stranger...that as hard as the days may be....there is nothing better. Boogery noses, temper tantrums.....long days....we wanted all of it. 

Those very things hit home for us this Christmas. If anyone knows me.....they know how much I love Christmas. The songs....the lights....the warmth....the smells....the magic of Santa. This Christmas season has been harder then words could convey. It has been different in every sense. Yet there have been some of the sweetest tender mercies.....such over-powering feelings of love. 

We have received such thoughtful cards....gifts...messages....dinners...phone calls... I have never in my life expected to be on the receiving end of such acts of love. Before Adalyn....when I would think of sending a message....bringing a dinner....or even writing a card...I felt like I was probably being somewhat of a burden to the person I was giving to. 

Being on the opposite side has showed me a new perspective on many things. Absolutely everything we have received has impacted us. In so many ways people have been our physical angels. Some how....on especially hard days....A card will show up in the mail. We will receive a message.... Or some one stops by with dinner or cookies. 

How could they ever know in those moments....how much they were needed?

Most of all....this time of year I have realized what the significance of Christmas really means in my life. I have felt such a closeness to our sweet Adalyn in so many ways. I have felt her love.....her happiness touch my heart. She continues to be such a pure....guiding light for David and I..... giving us perspective on every aspect of life. 

Oh how I miss those chubby little fingers! 

Because of a little child....born in the humblest of circumstances.....We will have our baby forever. Death will not win. As broken as I feel......as raw as our pain is..... I know there will come a day when we once more have her in our arms. When there will be no more good-byes. 

On the days when I feel that happiness in this life is gone.....when I feel angry at God.....when I feel the immense fear of loosing all I hold close..... 

I have to trust in the love I have for Adalyn. In the love she gave us. And in the birth of another...Who came into this world to become our Savior in every way. To, one day, make right every wrong we feel. 

I don't know all things. I, at times, feel like I am standing on legs made of jell-o that hasn't quite set up right.....

But I know what Adalyn brought into our lives was real....and pure....and powerful. 

She gave...and continues to give us the most precious gift that we will ever receive. 

Thank you to all who have been our angels at this time. For all you have done. We are not always the best at responding....or thanking enough. But thank you for letting us continue to share Adalyn. For letting us laugh...and cry. For this Christmas.....we hope that Adalyn's life and love will find it's way into your hearts.  For each of you to cherish the moments you have and hold to them.

Merry Chirstmas Adalyn Grace! We're so glad we sang you so many Christmas songs....I'm certain you're singing them all the time. I hope you are enjoying the lights as much as I do....though...they aren't nearly as bright as you are!  I miss you. I miss kissing your sweet cheeks...and blowing on your belly. I miss feeling the weight of you sleeping in my arms. I miss our nights together. We love you completely Addie baby. We know you are close.....and cannot wait to see you again! 

We took Adalyn to see Santa. It was definitely a tender experience...and the ladies were so kind. We have decided we don't want to miss out on her "firsts.." So pictures like this may pop up now and again.