The Smell of a Memory..

It's been a while since my last post. July and August seemed to be so very busy! Full of trips, family time, Camon's first plane ride (in case you didn't know, airports are grossly germy...which makes it fun when a baby wants to practically lick the floor)...and some unwanted hard news that we haven't quite processed yet...that's a post for another time.

As of late, my days are filled with the sound of Camon's hands slapping the ground as he crawls everywhere, simultaneously jabbering and blowing spit bubbles. He is my shadow most days, following me from room to room. His laughter is so contagious....Often my main goal of each day is to see what new thing he will find hilarious and send him in to fits of laughter. He is curious and particular...He is all things bright and good. 

In so many ways, Camon's beautiful soul has been the balm my broken heart has needed.

I've often wished that memories were tangible... That you could play one back in real time...to absorb every touch, sound and smell just for a brief moment..

As fall arrives, I find myself often triggered back in time at the smell or sound of a memory..

Fall used to be one of my very favorite seasons. I loved everything about it. The crisp, earthy fall air. The warmth of being indoors with a hot drink and a favorite book. The food. The colors. The sense of coming together. The giggles of little kids playing in the leaves. The early, beautiful sunsets. Red, rosy cheeks...

But now, fall has changed for me. 

Sometimes, when I catch the smell of sweet lavendar, with hints of orange, cinnamon, and "milk breath" ( a smell you know if you've been around babies)...I can almost feel how it was to get Adalyn ready for bed....feeling her weight in my arms,  her soft locks brushing my cheek.  At times when I look in at Camon sleeping, my mind flashes to Adalyn, and I'm flooded with how tender it is they both sleep in the same position. When I hear the hum of certain machines....the hum of Adalyn's oxygen machine plays in the back of my mind, and I'm back, for a brief moment, to watching her sleep in the late/early hours of the day. And if warm air crosses my face in just the right way.... It's her soft sigh I feel. When I hear David read "Freddy Works Out" to Camon, I'm back in time, watching him read it to Adalyn, doing the silly stretches.

I try my hardest to cling to those memories...because I know there are other triggers to memories that are hard to flash back to. I hear certain beeping noises....and I'm back at the hospital..staring at the monitor, both for David and Adalyn at different times....desperately aching for their oxygen saturation to increase. I hear the suction tool at the dentist and I cringe...being reminded of all the times we had to suction out our sweet girl to help her breathe better... I hear the sound of small airplanes.... and I'm reminded of that dreadful day that Adalyn took a turn for the worst and we were flown to Primary Children's.

Two years ago (still can't believe that much time has passed), fall lead to the worst time in my life. It shattered me....leaving me broken and cold to face a winter of my life that would feel relentless and unending. 

Fall held devestating days. Sickness. Terror. Sleepless hospital stays...And nightmares that have since taken up permanent residence in my mind. 

But two years ago, it also held moments of bliss.. Moments of watching a perfect angel sleep. It held afternoons outside. Living in our own ignorance of what was to come. It was filled with music. With tears. With laughter....and with massive diaper blow outs (seriously, once Adalyn managed to get poo clear up into her armpits and behind her neck!)

Most of all, it was filled with love. So. Much. Love. Love from family. Love from friends. Love from strangers....all for one beautiful little girl who was teaching us what love, hope and grace truly meant.

I know I must sound like a broken record at times, sharing those things... I guess the point of all this is....Fall for me has changed. When I feel the cool air, part of me still feels scared...I want to cling so very much to Camon and David.... But I don't want the hard memories of that fall to determine the here and now. Adalyn taught me that each and every day is so, so precious. The small and simple moments are truly the absolute greatest to witness... And I feel I would be doing her memory a severe injustice to spend my days in fear. 

(No filter on those baby blues)

Yes, some days are still incredibly hard. Yes, some days bring countless tears...and a deep ache that I can never fully describe... Yes, I wish with all my heart that Adalyn could be with us as the holiday season once again arrives without her..

Even so, my heart is full. Full of so much love. How grateful I feel each day to have an energetic, sweet, happy boy to chase and hold. How grateful I feel for his goodness and love that seems to ooze right out of him. How grateful I am for a husband who endures some of the hardest trials, and rarely complains. How grateful I feel that he is mine...and for the way he loves me completely despite my many imperfections..

Life may not always be what we expect or want....but I'm slowly learning God holds up what we aren't able to. 

Here's to fall.... To warmth. To love. And to eating all of the pumpkin chocolate chip cookies!

A note to you my sweet Adalyn, I find myself smiling a lot after putting your brother to sleep. He often happily jabbers away for quite some time. I imagine that he is telling you all about his day.... He is really into pointing these days.... and sometimes, he makes Daddy walk around the living room, pointing at each picture he wants to see.

He knows you my darling. He loves you. And so do we....immensely and always.

XO,

Mommy

6 Months 11 days...

That's how long she lived.

Tomorrow....Camon will be 6 months and 12 days old.

I told myself I wouldn't look at what day it would be on the calendar. I told myself I wasn't going to let myself notice...But it was too late. I already knew....and all week long it has felt like a wall I was going to smack into...

In the end, I wasn't prepared for the emotions it stirred up in my heart....or for all the different reasons today would be hard.

Our beautiful friend Donalee gave this picture to us....We love it so very much! It is everything I would imagine!

As I placed Camon down for his nap today.....I figuratively attempted to put on my floaties..and open the flood gates...And because I find out my emotions best by writing....I ended up here.

So far today, I watched Camon try to chomp on everything. Watched him try so very hard to crawl. Changed both our outfits twice due to heavy amounts of spit up. Took little walks. Sat in the shade. Cleaned. Changed diapers. Played half a dozen rounds of peek-a-boo.. And made lots of ridiculous noises to make Camon laugh...

Yet...at this time with Adalyn, she was dying. We were holding on to her desperately....knowing angels were surrounding her, waiting to sweep her up into her heavenly home. That thought still haunts me in some ways. And so often these days, I find myself in Camon's room in the middle of the night....having to just feel that he is breathing. I have to physically feel that he is still here.

Maybe I'm afraid that if I'm not on guard constantly, he too will be swept back home. As I type that out...I know it sounds rather silly, I know I can't control those things. That past couple of years have shown me all too well that there is so much in life that we can't control.... But clearly, that doesn't stop me from trying...

I guess I always thought, during the time we had Adalyn, that if I just fought hard enough. If I believed enough. If I prayed enough....I would never have to say goodbye... That November morning of watching her take her last breath....everything I thought I knew....everything I thought I was....shattered. 

Camon has helped some of those shattered pieces come together again.... But those pieces are now changed. They don't fit where they used to. They are forming a new shape. The new version of who I am now...

In many ways, today was that reminder. A reminder of so many things.

It is painful to think that Camon has now physically out lived his sister..

I wish memories were tangible. I wish I could pick one up...and just for that moment...re-live it. To smell it...to feel exactly what that moment felt. I wish I could smell exactly what my clothes smelt like after giving Adalyn a bath...and holding her wet little self close before we got her all ready for bed. I wish my arms could instantly feel they way they cradled her. I wish I could feel exactly how it felt to have her hair rub my cheek...

Yesterday, Camon was so very fussy and so very tired. Normally, I just place him in his crib for naps...but he wouldn't have it. Nothing was working. My mind wanted to just say..."Sleep child! You're tired!"

Finally...I snuggled him close and bounced and bounced. Amazingly, he fell asleep. It has been quite some time since he has let me snuggle him close while he sleeps. As I watched him, my anxiety was washed to the side. I think he know how much I needed those snuggles. How much I have been missing them with Adalyn. I wanted that moment with him to become one of those tangible memories that I could replay over and over... I want to remember how his little red nose looked...and the way his fingers kept rubbing my shirt. I wanted to soak how his hair smelled like sunscreen and fruit. I wanted to memorize the flutter of his eyelashes...

I'm not sure of much these days. I still tend to question myself. I wonder if I am enough. I wonder if I have enough faith. I wonder if both our sweet babies know how very much I love them....

One thing I do know....one of many things Adalyn's life has taught me in her 6 months and 11 days...is that I will never take for granted those quiet...small...simply beautiful moments. 

Her 6 months and 11 days taught me gratitude. To be grateful for time. 

In 6 months and 11 days she taught me how to be a mother. To focus on what matters most...and let everything else wash away.

In 6 months and 11 days...I learned hard things happen. I learned what it feels like to be completely and utterly devastated. I learned that having faith doesn't mean bad things won't happen.... And when they do happen....it doesn't mean that your faith wasn't enough. I learned to honestly pray to my Heavenly Father...in anger, in humility, in love, in gratitude...and in defeat. I learned that no matter how hard I try, I am not in control of this life.

I learned that one little, pure, noble life....can change countless other lives forever.

And now?

In Camon's 6 months and 11 days....he has taught me to laugh again...and really mean it. 

In his 6 months and 11 days, he has taught my heart that it is still capable of loving so deeply. He has brought us so much joy!

During his 6 months and 11 days, I have once again faced my fears of losing David....and was again...given so many physical angels, (especially family) to carry me through.

For 6 months and 11 days, I have proudly worn the constant smell of spit up. I have been frazzled over sleepless nights.... And quiet often, I have been an anxious....worried mess...

But for 6 months and 11 days... I have be so completely grateful for a little boy named Camon, who loves me without restraint.

I am realizing more and more....that we never know what life will hold. So it is up to us to hold to what matters most to our hearts. I never imagined living life after losing Adalyn. Much less...having another child...

If you have made it this far in reading, I apologize if none of this has made sense.... I guess, as emotional as I have been today...I have realized I would do it all again. A part of me will always wish it were different...I will always wish she were still here.... But even if it couldn't be different, I wouldn't give back one day.

Marrying and loving David has changed me. Adalyn changed me. Our friends and family changed me. The kindness that has been poured into our lives has changed me. Camon has changed me...

I hope....that someday...my life can reflect my utter gratitude for those changes.

To you, my sweet Addie baby, I've been finding so many pennies these days. I like to believe they are your reminders that you are near. We have been taking Camon swimming lately, he sure loves it sweet girl! I think you would have enjoyed the water too. Especially with your love of baths.You are carried, my darling, each and every day in my heart. 

I love you always!

XO,

Mommy

Risks Worth Taking.

David and I have held onto a specific little secret for quite sometime. 

After losing Adalyn, we were certain we weren't going to have anymore children. Having Adalyn was the greatest gift in the world.....but watching her go through such hard things.....and having to say good-bye was something that I knew I couldn't bear to go through once more.

However, as it would be..... Adalyn must have had plans for another sibling. 

I am 22 weeks along, and we will be welcoming him into our lives this November! 

Becoming pregnant once again has been an emotional whirlwind in and of itself. The pieces of my fragile heart feel like they are barely held together. 

I have had so many fears....and it is still difficult for me to articulate those feelings into words. The news of a baby.... I have always felt is worthy of being shouted from rooftops. Babies are the most incredible miracles.

But how do you let your heart be excited....when it is so afraid of what could go wrong? When it is so afraid of worst case scenario...because...well....the worst case scenario happened? 

So it became our secret. With each ultrasound I have had....David has held my hand as we have cried through each one. Seeing this sweet little baby move...has made our hearts burst with gratitude, and long for our little Adalyn. Somehow, what may be a simple ultrasound to most.....is something that reminds us each and every time that miracles are real. That love is so powerful. Yet....the most vulnerable thing in the world.

As we anticipated the ultrasound that would tell us if our little boy had similar issues as Adalyn....or possible heart defects....I felt like a basket of emotions. We found out just over a week ago, that both his brain...and his little heart are looking perfect. I still don't have words for my gratitude!

Yet....my heart still has a whole other realm of emotions.

When we found out we were pregnant with Adalyn, with a sweet little girl....I couldn't wait to prepare for her sweet arrival! All too soon...we were told that the changes were slim of her surviving birth... So we never did the typical things to "prepare" for a baby. We never shopped for clothes. Picked out cribs. Decorated a nursery. We didn't know what to plan for. So instead, we put all our focus on praying for her each and every day.

I know that is a silly thing to confess..but I say that because my heart is still afraid to prepare for a baby. As if the moment I let myself....something will go wrong...

The other part of my heart still longs  for Adalyn. I think it always will. To long for her to be here as we prepare for her little brother. To see how loving she would be with him...to watch the two of them bounce around together is a site I long to see.

The thing is.....I could go on and on about the things that scare me. About all of my fears and worries...and thoughts that run across my mind... But I'm not going to do that.

Love is a risk. To love someone....to place a part of your heart and soul into their hands...is the greatest risk. It leaves you vulnerable and susceptible to heart break. 

Loving another person means there will be nights and days of worry. It means there will be tears. It means you will forever sacrifice all of yourself for someone else.

But is also means you will experience something that is far greater and more beautiful than anything the world can offer. Love is a piece of heaven....that you get to feel every day... It is being able to feel just a small piece of the presence of God I think. Loving David...and Adalyn has changed my world. Each and every day I am so grateful for them...for the person they have helped me to become. For the piece of their heart I carry with me.

So in the moments that my mind becomes crippled with my fears...I think of that.

Love is a risk, but it is worth taking every single time. Love is the squeeze of David's hand in mine, reminding me we can do this. Love is the light in Adalyn's smile. And love is what we feel for our little boy.

July 20th. The day I finally caught a picture of that brilliant smile.

And I wouldn't change any of those things for the world. Without love, life loses it's beauty. It's vibrancy..  Love is the good that is intertwined in all the little moments in our lives. Adalyn's entire life will forever be a testament to that truth. Her love is  one of the most beautiful things I have ever held.

We know that pregnancy....and bringing this little boy into our world will be emotionally hard.  But we also have felt so strongly of the love that Adalyn has for her little brother. I know she is going to be so very close to us.....and I look forward to seeing all of the ways that she is there for her sweet little brother.

As always, my sweet girl. I'll end with a note to you. Each time I feel your brother move, I feel so blessed...it is like a constant reminder of what a miracle life is. It also makes me so grateful that I was able to feel those same things with you. I promise that Daddy and I will learn to open our hearts completely again. We will be certain to give your little brother all of the love we have! I have no doubt that he is pretty special, he is your brother after all. My thoughts are with you always my darling. We love you so very much!

With Pioneer day tomorrow, I felt it very fitting to share this picture from last Pioneer day. Cutest little Pioneer I've ever seen!