The Smell of a Memory..

It's been a while since my last post. July and August seemed to be so very busy! Full of trips, family time, Camon's first plane ride (in case you didn't know, airports are grossly germy...which makes it fun when a baby wants to practically lick the floor)...and some unwanted hard news that we haven't quite processed yet...that's a post for another time.

As of late, my days are filled with the sound of Camon's hands slapping the ground as he crawls everywhere, simultaneously jabbering and blowing spit bubbles. He is my shadow most days, following me from room to room. His laughter is so contagious....Often my main goal of each day is to see what new thing he will find hilarious and send him in to fits of laughter. He is curious and particular...He is all things bright and good. 

In so many ways, Camon's beautiful soul has been the balm my broken heart has needed.

I've often wished that memories were tangible... That you could play one back in real time...to absorb every touch, sound and smell just for a brief moment..

As fall arrives, I find myself often triggered back in time at the smell or sound of a memory..

Fall used to be one of my very favorite seasons. I loved everything about it. The crisp, earthy fall air. The warmth of being indoors with a hot drink and a favorite book. The food. The colors. The sense of coming together. The giggles of little kids playing in the leaves. The early, beautiful sunsets. Red, rosy cheeks...

But now, fall has changed for me. 

Sometimes, when I catch the smell of sweet lavendar, with hints of orange, cinnamon, and "milk breath" ( a smell you know if you've been around babies)...I can almost feel how it was to get Adalyn ready for bed....feeling her weight in my arms,  her soft locks brushing my cheek.  At times when I look in at Camon sleeping, my mind flashes to Adalyn, and I'm flooded with how tender it is they both sleep in the same position. When I hear the hum of certain machines....the hum of Adalyn's oxygen machine plays in the back of my mind, and I'm back, for a brief moment, to watching her sleep in the late/early hours of the day. And if warm air crosses my face in just the right way.... It's her soft sigh I feel. When I hear David read "Freddy Works Out" to Camon, I'm back in time, watching him read it to Adalyn, doing the silly stretches.

I try my hardest to cling to those memories...because I know there are other triggers to memories that are hard to flash back to. I hear certain beeping noises....and I'm back at the hospital..staring at the monitor, both for David and Adalyn at different times....desperately aching for their oxygen saturation to increase. I hear the suction tool at the dentist and I cringe...being reminded of all the times we had to suction out our sweet girl to help her breathe better... I hear the sound of small airplanes.... and I'm reminded of that dreadful day that Adalyn took a turn for the worst and we were flown to Primary Children's.

Two years ago (still can't believe that much time has passed), fall lead to the worst time in my life. It shattered me....leaving me broken and cold to face a winter of my life that would feel relentless and unending. 

Fall held devestating days. Sickness. Terror. Sleepless hospital stays...And nightmares that have since taken up permanent residence in my mind. 

But two years ago, it also held moments of bliss.. Moments of watching a perfect angel sleep. It held afternoons outside. Living in our own ignorance of what was to come. It was filled with music. With tears. With laughter....and with massive diaper blow outs (seriously, once Adalyn managed to get poo clear up into her armpits and behind her neck!)

Most of all, it was filled with love. So. Much. Love. Love from family. Love from friends. Love from strangers....all for one beautiful little girl who was teaching us what love, hope and grace truly meant.

I know I must sound like a broken record at times, sharing those things... I guess the point of all this is....Fall for me has changed. When I feel the cool air, part of me still feels scared...I want to cling so very much to Camon and David.... But I don't want the hard memories of that fall to determine the here and now. Adalyn taught me that each and every day is so, so precious. The small and simple moments are truly the absolute greatest to witness... And I feel I would be doing her memory a severe injustice to spend my days in fear. 

(No filter on those baby blues)

Yes, some days are still incredibly hard. Yes, some days bring countless tears...and a deep ache that I can never fully describe... Yes, I wish with all my heart that Adalyn could be with us as the holiday season once again arrives without her..

Even so, my heart is full. Full of so much love. How grateful I feel each day to have an energetic, sweet, happy boy to chase and hold. How grateful I feel for his goodness and love that seems to ooze right out of him. How grateful I am for a husband who endures some of the hardest trials, and rarely complains. How grateful I feel that he is mine...and for the way he loves me completely despite my many imperfections..

Life may not always be what we expect or want....but I'm slowly learning God holds up what we aren't able to. 

Here's to fall.... To warmth. To love. And to eating all of the pumpkin chocolate chip cookies!

A note to you my sweet Adalyn, I find myself smiling a lot after putting your brother to sleep. He often happily jabbers away for quite some time. I imagine that he is telling you all about his day.... He is really into pointing these days.... and sometimes, he makes Daddy walk around the living room, pointing at each picture he wants to see.

He knows you my darling. He loves you. And so do we....immensely and always.

XO,

Mommy

7 months.

Today marks 7 whole months that we have lived without you my darling.... 7 months since I've kissed the warm bridge of your nose....and breathed in the lavender scent of your hair. 

Oh how we miss you Adalyn! Each and every day. Time passing hasn't made your absence easier to bear... But slowly Daddy and I are finding what our new "normal" is.  As we drove home today, we saw the sun breaking through some gray clouds....it's rays were so beautifully bright. We smiled thinking of you dancing around in that light. 

Here are some of the pictures I took of you this week last year! 

The past week has been rather emotional sweet girl... Daddy and I moved out of Grandma and Grandpa's basement. We know it is the right step for us.....but it was still hard. With each box I packed of your things.....my tears fell like rain. I would think of you wearing each sweet outfit I was folding. I would think of bath time as I packed up you tub and folded your towel. I breathed in the milky smell of some of your clothes that I didn't wash after you went back home to heaven....

My tears continued to pour as I folded up the last pair of jammies that you wore...that morning you slipped away.... They still sat by the sink in the kitchen. We haven't had the heart to move them for 7 whole months...Daddy and I both sat with tears as we boxed up your medicines... Oh how we had hoped so deeply some of those medicines would help you! Help to give us more time with you...

We've been scared to move. Scared to move away from the home we had with you. Scared to move to a place that was empty....a place that held no memories for us..

First time outside. Hey Cutie Baby!

The past week, I've realized something though....with each thing I packed....even though my heart utterly ached for you...I felt so grateful that we had time with you. Time to make memories. Time to feel you. Time to watch you grow. Time to sing you countless songs. Time to blow raspberries on your little belly. Time to take you on walks through the park... Time to lay on the grass and look at the sky. Time to feel the shower of love you gave us. 

Moving into a new home can't take those memories away. Those memories can continue to fill our new home too.

We spent the day hanging up pictures of you throughout our new house.... It was good for our hearts Addie baby. It felt good to talk of our sweet memories of you. To talk of your little squeals....and how so often it felt like you were carrying on such a happy little conversation with us.

We miss you so deeply my sweet Adalyn Grace. There are still many things I don't understand... And some things that will take me an entire lifetime to come to terms with... What I do know is that you have given us such beautiful memories. Your love continues to be our strength each day.

As I was driving in the car today I found myself singing Amazing Grace....one of the songs I sang to you so many of our nights together...I haven't sang much since you've been gone...Or listened to much music...but today, I wanted to sing once more to you... Some of the lyrics hit my heart..

"Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come,
'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far
And grace will lead me home."

"The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures."

You have helped us be carried so far Addie baby. You have helped us to feel of what grace is...And as hard as our days may be now....I know there will be a day when our hearts are made whole again. A day when we will be together forever...With no good-byes... When grace truly will lead us home. Each night before we go to bed, we look at the picture we took the same day last year. You are so very loved. I will forever be grateful that God gave us you.

I read a quote by President Monson recently:

"We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before."

We are trying to rebuild our lives remembering each thing you taught us my darling. Your little body may have been fragile...but your spirit was and continues to be the brightest and strongest light. Please help us to feel you so very strongly in our need home. We know you are never far!

I can't wait for the day that I can once more kiss the little sweet bridge of your nose.

XO

Mommy

P.S..... I thought I should share some little videos of you Addie baby!

I love your little squeaky hiccups!

This lovely gem was taken just a few days after we brought you home! Your first time outside and you slept through it. My favorite quote from Daddy.."It's a really nice temperature" Still makes me laugh.