Jump.

"Are you scared?"

I was recently asked this question at church by a wonderful woman who has a son and daughter in law facing a similar situation to our own.

Honestly....yes. 

This is it. This is the week that we have anticipated for the past 9 months. We have felt every emotion possible a thousand different times it feels like....especially these past few months.

I remember back in August....back when I first thought I was pregnant. I had decided to wait until the morning to take the test. I hadn't told David what I was doing....I wanted it to be a surprise. All night long I waited excitedly. By 4:30am.....I couldn't wait any longer....and took the test. Little could I ever fathom how a little positive plus sign could change our entire lives in the course of 9 months. 

I look back at myself in that moment.... Bursting with excitement. Thinking of how I was going to tell David....bursting with more excitement at the thought of telling him....at the thought of him being a dad!

I wish I could tell myself in that moment to buckle up. That this was going to be the ride of a lifetime.

I would tell myself that it was going to be a beautiful ride. We would learn to pray with our whole soul for a little girl that we hadn't met yet. We would find an overpowering love our little baby who had found a permanent spot in our hearts. We would feel humbled. We would at times feel helpless.... but we would never have to face this ride alone. 

Our little girl is already loved so much by so many people......especially David and I. 

Yes.....we are at times scared. Scared at what could happen. Scared at what our little girl may face. Scared to think of the road ahead.

But love and hope help to silence those scared feelings. We are going to be parents. We will get to see our little girl's beautiful face and finally hold her in our arms. She has been our miracle. She has been our light.

So....with that...I try to take a deep breath....(or a hundred)...and jump into this week.

David will be taking his board exams (to top everything off).

We will have to be deciding on  he job offers we have received.

And we have an induction date for this week. No pressure right?? It definitely makes me tempted to stay hidden under a pile of blankets...

I am amazed at David every day. I know he has felt the burdens and weight piling on his shoulders. Yet no matter how hard things have been.... or how emotional some days feel...he keeps walking forward. That, I  am certain, is true strength.

It is okay to be afraid. It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel helpless. But don't let those feelings control you. Christ will carry you. He has felt the sorrows of your heart. He knows the times when you are uncertain of yourself or uncertain of your faith.  He also knows something we forget....that you are enough. No matter if your faith is that of a giant....or feeling like a little seed.....He will take that and turn it into something beautiful if we let Him. He will be the strength that we need to keep walking forward.

The doctors here have been wonderful. Our little girl will definitely been well taken care of. We will try to be posting updates to our blog.....that way it is easier to update everyone at once.

I have no doubt that our lives will definitely never be the same again after this week. 

I cannot thank you enough for your continued prayers. For believing in our little girl.
We can never thank our family (and friends) enough for all they have done. They have truly helped to carry us when we have needed it most. Not to mention....have housed us (remember how we're still slightly nomads?)....have fed us....prayed for us..and so much more.

Here we go!!

Finding Strength.

I sit here staring at the calendar in anxious disbelief (if that combination of feelings even makes sense). Some days tick by slowly....and it still feels  unreal that within a month, we will have our little girl. Other days...I realize how much we have going on this month in addition to our little girl arriving, all of the decisions that lie ahead....and I feel like time is moving on turbo speed.

I am 37 weeks along....which technically means...I'm considered full term. I think of that with amazement.

There were times during these past nine months where I was certain time was reversing itself. Times when the months of April and May seemed eons away.  We had all the time in the world to prepare.

Or so I thought.

Now it's the second week in April....and part of me feels a slight panic. Am I ready for all that lies ahead?? Are we  ready for all that lies ahead?? I think of those questions almost every night.  I stare at the things we have packed and ready for our little girl. I replay a zillion different scenarios over in my mind of possible outcomes.

I feel like I still cycle through so many emotions. There are moments when I am on a high of hope....and certain that all will work out....that we will have our little girl. Sometimes....I even forget that she has so many anomalies.. Then there are days like yesterday...

Our doctor told us she would be presenting our baby's case in front of a team of doctors. Any doctor that may even remotely be involved with her care will be in this meeting. They have to prepare for worst case scenarios.  After that...they will want us to meet with the neonatologist.....to discuss with us those possible worst case scenarios. They will need to know what David and I want to do....should things go wrong...How much intervention do we want? Endless other questions that I (we) don't even want to think about. It brought all of my emotions and fears rushing to the surface.

Leaving our appointment yesterday, I felt like the thin thread that was holding my emotions together was threatening to break.  

Once again...as we got into the car, I sobbed. I felt my frustrated, hot tears continuously roll down my face. How come we have to face this...I kept asking David....How come our little girl has to face this....Why does absolutely everything surrounding her birth and life have to be so unknown...Why does it have to be so hard.....How can Heavenly Father think we are strong enough for this?? Feeling helpless and defeated.....I squeaked out...I just want to be a mom. I want to see you be a dad.

David....as always my anchor....held my hand, comforted me and let me cry it out. We have both gone through these same emotions numerous times.

A few hours later....I read a talk about fear. About turning our fears to Christ. It hit me like a train...and brought me to my knees. There is One who knows the unknown that we are facing (something that I have to remind myself of often). Christ has promised to walk with us through our darkest unknowns. He never fails to send us His comfort. Even during my moments of frustration. Even when I feel myself wavering. Even when I am afraid.

He brings peace. He brings hope. He can hush our fears when nothing else in the world can. I know I am not strong enough to face what lies ahead for us. But I know that Christ is. In His strength, we are capable of facing any trial and overcoming any doubt or fear. I know that God has a plan for us....and a plan for our baby....because we are His children.

And He loves us with a greater love then we can comprehend. 

Our little girl has brought us so much happiness already. She has taught us so much about pressing forward with faith, even when the path is hard and our steps are unsteady. She is continually growing and developing. Every other part of her is doing great. The main worry is her brain.

When she is born....the biggest concern is if she will be born breathing.

Her brainstem isn't affected....so there is a high chance that she will be able to breathe on her own. However....because of the other areas of her brain that are affected...they have no way to be certain. With any one of the areas affected, she could be born with normal neurological functioning....they are just uncertain with her specific combination of anomalies.

So....we pray. And ask for your prayers as well. We pray that she will be born with the ability to breathe on her own. That she will have the neurological functioning she needs to survive and defy the odds that are placed upon her. We pray that she will have sight and mobility. And that when the time comes....they will be able to fix her palate to enable her to eat.

Most importantly.....we pray for His will to be done. Whatever that may be.

We believe in miracles.

We believe in our beautiful little girl. 

I know I frequently sound like a broken record...but we are continually thankful for so many prayers. I have never had my testimony in something so certain. Prayer is powerful.

It has helped me hold to hope. It has helped me continue to believe in our little girl....to believe in her own fighting spirit. To believe that she can overcome the trials she will face. It has gotten me through a number of sleepless nights. It has helped me face the normal pregnancy joys of heartburn, back pain, and nausea. It has give both David and I the courage to face the unknown.

Together, with the strength of the Lord, we can face all that lies ahead. He takes each of us....imperfect as we may be.....and shapes us into something even greater. He sees all that we cannot. No matter the outcome...Our little girl, David and I....we are a family.

That type of love is eternal.