Finding Strength.

I sit here staring at the calendar in anxious disbelief (if that combination of feelings even makes sense). Some days tick by slowly....and it still feels  unreal that within a month, we will have our little girl. Other days...I realize how much we have going on this month in addition to our little girl arriving, all of the decisions that lie ahead....and I feel like time is moving on turbo speed.

I am 37 weeks along....which technically means...I'm considered full term. I think of that with amazement.

There were times during these past nine months where I was certain time was reversing itself. Times when the months of April and May seemed eons away.  We had all the time in the world to prepare.

Or so I thought.

Now it's the second week in April....and part of me feels a slight panic. Am I ready for all that lies ahead?? Are we  ready for all that lies ahead?? I think of those questions almost every night.  I stare at the things we have packed and ready for our little girl. I replay a zillion different scenarios over in my mind of possible outcomes.

I feel like I still cycle through so many emotions. There are moments when I am on a high of hope....and certain that all will work out....that we will have our little girl. Sometimes....I even forget that she has so many anomalies.. Then there are days like yesterday...

Our doctor told us she would be presenting our baby's case in front of a team of doctors. Any doctor that may even remotely be involved with her care will be in this meeting. They have to prepare for worst case scenarios.  After that...they will want us to meet with the neonatologist.....to discuss with us those possible worst case scenarios. They will need to know what David and I want to do....should things go wrong...How much intervention do we want? Endless other questions that I (we) don't even want to think about. It brought all of my emotions and fears rushing to the surface.

Leaving our appointment yesterday, I felt like the thin thread that was holding my emotions together was threatening to break.  

Once again...as we got into the car, I sobbed. I felt my frustrated, hot tears continuously roll down my face. How come we have to face this...I kept asking David....How come our little girl has to face this....Why does absolutely everything surrounding her birth and life have to be so unknown...Why does it have to be so hard.....How can Heavenly Father think we are strong enough for this?? Feeling helpless and defeated.....I squeaked out...I just want to be a mom. I want to see you be a dad.

David....as always my anchor....held my hand, comforted me and let me cry it out. We have both gone through these same emotions numerous times.

A few hours later....I read a talk about fear. About turning our fears to Christ. It hit me like a train...and brought me to my knees. There is One who knows the unknown that we are facing (something that I have to remind myself of often). Christ has promised to walk with us through our darkest unknowns. He never fails to send us His comfort. Even during my moments of frustration. Even when I feel myself wavering. Even when I am afraid.

He brings peace. He brings hope. He can hush our fears when nothing else in the world can. I know I am not strong enough to face what lies ahead for us. But I know that Christ is. In His strength, we are capable of facing any trial and overcoming any doubt or fear. I know that God has a plan for us....and a plan for our baby....because we are His children.

And He loves us with a greater love then we can comprehend. 

Our little girl has brought us so much happiness already. She has taught us so much about pressing forward with faith, even when the path is hard and our steps are unsteady. She is continually growing and developing. Every other part of her is doing great. The main worry is her brain.

When she is born....the biggest concern is if she will be born breathing.

Her brainstem isn't affected....so there is a high chance that she will be able to breathe on her own. However....because of the other areas of her brain that are affected...they have no way to be certain. With any one of the areas affected, she could be born with normal neurological functioning....they are just uncertain with her specific combination of anomalies.

So....we pray. And ask for your prayers as well. We pray that she will be born with the ability to breathe on her own. That she will have the neurological functioning she needs to survive and defy the odds that are placed upon her. We pray that she will have sight and mobility. And that when the time comes....they will be able to fix her palate to enable her to eat.

Most importantly.....we pray for His will to be done. Whatever that may be.

We believe in miracles.

We believe in our beautiful little girl. 

I know I frequently sound like a broken record...but we are continually thankful for so many prayers. I have never had my testimony in something so certain. Prayer is powerful.

It has helped me hold to hope. It has helped me continue to believe in our little girl....to believe in her own fighting spirit. To believe that she can overcome the trials she will face. It has gotten me through a number of sleepless nights. It has helped me face the normal pregnancy joys of heartburn, back pain, and nausea. It has give both David and I the courage to face the unknown.

Together, with the strength of the Lord, we can face all that lies ahead. He takes each of us....imperfect as we may be.....and shapes us into something even greater. He sees all that we cannot. No matter the outcome...Our little girl, David and I....we are a family.

That type of love is eternal. 

The Depth of a Soul.

I stare at the computer screen....trying to find the words to convey all of my thoughts.

David and I have decided that we will share this new journey we are on....no matter how hard or unknown it may be. Even if no one ever stumbles across this.....we want to be able to look back and know we were truly be carried by our Heavenly Father. And maybe....it will help just one person on their own journey..

On January 19th....I had special fetal ultrasound done to take a look at our little girls heart. Because my husband has a congenital heart defect....they just wanted to make sure everything was working right. I went in expecting good news.. But as the doctor kept staring at the ultrasound machine in silence.....I knew something was wrong.

As it would turn out.....her little heart is perfect. But her little brain isn't. The doctor struggled to find the words to tell me what he was seeing. Severe brain abnormalities. He had never seen such abnormalities before. Her little spine that is also affected. And....that she has a cleft palate and lip. He talked about other tests that would need to be done. He tried to tell me what he was seeing...but wasn't quite sure himself....  He was unsure of her surviving after being born. Or...what her quality of life would be. Or the thousand other possibilities that her abnormalities could mean.

I can't even describe that moment. I never realized a heart could ache so deeply...that a mind could be flooded with a thousand different thoughts in one mere instant.

I tried to stay strong. I wanted to hear every word the doctor was saying. I fought back the wave of tears that threatened to break through. David couldn't be there...he had to be at work(after all...we weren't expecting anything to be very wrong).. and I wanted to be able to tell him everything. Lucky for me....my wonderful in-laws were there. The doctor stepped out of the room for a moment....and I lost it. I sobbed into their shoulders.

"Our little girl. Our perfect....beautiful little girl...." was all that kept running through my mind.

The doctor came back in to do an amniocentesis....a test that would help them see if this was a specific syndrome on her chromosomes. As the needle pierced into my stomach....it seemed to match the ache in my heart.

The doctor was so kind. I felt so grateful. He promised to be in contact soon....after consulting with his colleagues at the University of Utah.

It was a surreal feeling to leave....to have received such hard hitting news....and yet hardly seem to know anything. In my mind I thought "I can feel her move so much inside me....she seems so complete....how can something be so terribly wrong?"

I called David. And with a teary...shaky voice....told him the news. I knew it would be incredibly hard for him to receive such news at work...  As a tender mercy for us,  his boss (who we are so grateful for!) gave him the rest of the day off...

Right when I saw David walking toward me with red eyes....I lost it again. He held me while I sobbed. For that moment....with David by my side....I could keep moving forward.

The rest of the week was a blur. We waited....praying for answers....praying for peace....praying for understanding.

As some of the results came back....it opened up even more doors of the unknown. A doctor from the University of Utah contacted us to try and go over what we knew. She said they were searching for a syndrome or diagnosis to help us see what her prognosis will be. The hard part....is that there is so much they didn't know. She gave us the hopeful reminder that medicine doesn't know everything. That even if they find a syndrome or a prognosis...there is much room for things to be on either end of the scale. They needed more images...she had said....and further testing on her chromosomes...which would take a couple weeks.

So we were left again to wait. And wonder. We reached a point where we felt at peace. We felt strengthened knowing that God is in charge. In knowing that He can see what we can't. He knows how special our little girl is.

We had another doctors visit this week....an MRI for the doctors to see a clearer picture of her little brain. However..it feels that with each doctors visit...we find out another part of her brain that is missing or abnormal. The doctor promised to be in touch with us again later this week to go over what they find/think about her condition. From there...she said....we will likely begin seeing a specialist at the University of Utah and deliver at that hospital.

With any one part of her brain that is missing/abnormal...a person can be completely normal. However....with her combination...they are unsure of the result.

The visit seemed to bring another wave of emotions. David and I felt, again, like we were just trying to stay afloat in a giant ocean of the unknown.

Would we have to say good-bye too soon? If so, how do you prepare to say good-bye to someone you love so much? What would she be facing? Would she defy the odds that are placed upon her? If her problems are severe...would we be strong enough to watch her struggle? So many thoughts...once more came flooding to the surface.

So...we've reached the here and now. We still sit in a whole heap of things we don't know. We are waiting for the call to tell us what they find.

Honestly.....this is hardest trial I have ever faced. I have moments where I am scared. Moments where I don't feel strong enough to keep pressing forward. There are moments where my tears seem endless.

However....there have been incredible moments. Moments where I have felt so close to my Heavenly Father. Moments of pure peace and hope. Moments of comfort. Moments of overwhelming love for my husband and our little girl.

Trials are hard. They seem to pull at the very fabric of your heart and soul. But I have come to realize that we are not in this alone. God didn't intend for us to face trials because He wanted to punish us. He knows what we can become. There are so many blessings that He wants to give us.......and sometimes....it is because of the greatest sorrows that we can find the greatest joy. 

One of the most amazing women I know recently gave us great insight. Often times in trials....we have fleeting moments of thinking "Why me....why now?" She said....instead..."Why not you? Why not now?" Heavenly Father believes we have the strength to get through this.

And I believe in Him. 

There is light in the darkness. Sometimes....that light is like the light of the moon...incredibly bright...but still unable to lighten all of the darkness.....We just need to have to have the faith to hold on until sunrise....when we can finally see everything.

We have been so humbled by the prayers and support that have been on our behalf. We feel so blessed to be able to see the hand of the Lord through so many people.

Most of all....I am blessed with the most incredible husband. He is my light and strength. 

I know that the love we have for each other.....and for our little girl is strong enough to see miracles. 

Uncharted Waters.

The unknown. 

It is hard. It is frustrating. It feels like stumbling around in the dark. It is impossible to avoid.

It is humbling.

It can hurt. 

It can be unbelievably spiritual. 

I type these words....... and my mind is whirling over a thousand different thoughts. I needed a space to somehow pour out the worries of my heart.

As David and I wait for news that will have a heavy impact on our lives....I feel like I am swimming in a sea of endless possibilities.....hopes...desires....and outcomes. I have come to realize that the unknown is the hardest thing for all of us. It is one of life's greatest tests to wait. To wait for what you can't even begin predict.

I have plead. I have cried. I have continuously sought for hope.

I have been strengthened by so many prayers. I have felt peace in the midst of what has felt like a tsunami of emotions.

I am certain many of you have been impacted by similar feelings in a variety of situations.... if you haven't yet.....it will come. It isn't easy.

So....the question is.....how to keep moving forward? I've decided that for now....I am going to focus on what do know.

My name is Amanda. I have an amazing, curly haired husband who is my strength in every way. He is my anchor.

I have a wonderful, beautiful little gift growing inside of me.

God is in charge of all things. He knows my heart, He knows the unknown.

And for now......that is enough.