Finding Strength.

I sit here staring at the calendar in anxious disbelief (if that combination of feelings even makes sense). Some days tick by slowly....and it still feels  unreal that within a month, we will have our little girl. Other days...I realize how much we have going on this month in addition to our little girl arriving, all of the decisions that lie ahead....and I feel like time is moving on turbo speed.

I am 37 weeks along....which technically means...I'm considered full term. I think of that with amazement.

There were times during these past nine months where I was certain time was reversing itself. Times when the months of April and May seemed eons away.  We had all the time in the world to prepare.

Or so I thought.

Now it's the second week in April....and part of me feels a slight panic. Am I ready for all that lies ahead?? Are we  ready for all that lies ahead?? I think of those questions almost every night.  I stare at the things we have packed and ready for our little girl. I replay a zillion different scenarios over in my mind of possible outcomes.

I feel like I still cycle through so many emotions. There are moments when I am on a high of hope....and certain that all will work out....that we will have our little girl. Sometimes....I even forget that she has so many anomalies.. Then there are days like yesterday...

Our doctor told us she would be presenting our baby's case in front of a team of doctors. Any doctor that may even remotely be involved with her care will be in this meeting. They have to prepare for worst case scenarios.  After that...they will want us to meet with the neonatologist.....to discuss with us those possible worst case scenarios. They will need to know what David and I want to do....should things go wrong...How much intervention do we want? Endless other questions that I (we) don't even want to think about. It brought all of my emotions and fears rushing to the surface.

Leaving our appointment yesterday, I felt like the thin thread that was holding my emotions together was threatening to break.  

Once again...as we got into the car, I sobbed. I felt my frustrated, hot tears continuously roll down my face. How come we have to face this...I kept asking David....How come our little girl has to face this....Why does absolutely everything surrounding her birth and life have to be so unknown...Why does it have to be so hard.....How can Heavenly Father think we are strong enough for this?? Feeling helpless and defeated.....I squeaked out...I just want to be a mom. I want to see you be a dad.

David....as always my anchor....held my hand, comforted me and let me cry it out. We have both gone through these same emotions numerous times.

A few hours later....I read a talk about fear. About turning our fears to Christ. It hit me like a train...and brought me to my knees. There is One who knows the unknown that we are facing (something that I have to remind myself of often). Christ has promised to walk with us through our darkest unknowns. He never fails to send us His comfort. Even during my moments of frustration. Even when I feel myself wavering. Even when I am afraid.

He brings peace. He brings hope. He can hush our fears when nothing else in the world can. I know I am not strong enough to face what lies ahead for us. But I know that Christ is. In His strength, we are capable of facing any trial and overcoming any doubt or fear. I know that God has a plan for us....and a plan for our baby....because we are His children.

And He loves us with a greater love then we can comprehend. 

Our little girl has brought us so much happiness already. She has taught us so much about pressing forward with faith, even when the path is hard and our steps are unsteady. She is continually growing and developing. Every other part of her is doing great. The main worry is her brain.

When she is born....the biggest concern is if she will be born breathing.

Her brainstem isn't affected....so there is a high chance that she will be able to breathe on her own. However....because of the other areas of her brain that are affected...they have no way to be certain. With any one of the areas affected, she could be born with normal neurological functioning....they are just uncertain with her specific combination of anomalies.

So....we pray. And ask for your prayers as well. We pray that she will be born with the ability to breathe on her own. That she will have the neurological functioning she needs to survive and defy the odds that are placed upon her. We pray that she will have sight and mobility. And that when the time comes....they will be able to fix her palate to enable her to eat.

Most importantly.....we pray for His will to be done. Whatever that may be.

We believe in miracles.

We believe in our beautiful little girl. 

I know I frequently sound like a broken record...but we are continually thankful for so many prayers. I have never had my testimony in something so certain. Prayer is powerful.

It has helped me hold to hope. It has helped me continue to believe in our little girl....to believe in her own fighting spirit. To believe that she can overcome the trials she will face. It has gotten me through a number of sleepless nights. It has helped me face the normal pregnancy joys of heartburn, back pain, and nausea. It has give both David and I the courage to face the unknown.

Together, with the strength of the Lord, we can face all that lies ahead. He takes each of us....imperfect as we may be.....and shapes us into something even greater. He sees all that we cannot. No matter the outcome...Our little girl, David and I....we are a family.

That type of love is eternal. 

Learning Trust.

Pregnancy for me has been a beautiful thing....but it has also been hard.

In almost every aspect....emotionally, physically and spiritually. The past week was one of those hard weeks.

It all started around last Saturday night. It was about my second sleepless night in a row. At about 3 am...staring at the clock....trying to get comfortable for the zillionth time...I lost it. I cried and cried. In my frustration....I started praying. All I kept thinking was.... "Heavenly Father....how is this fair? I am trying so hard to have faith.....to be what you want me to be.......but everything seems so hard.... here we are facing the unknown in almost every aspect of our lives and now I can't even seem to sleep. I am exhausted....this is too much for me. This is too hard for me to do. Where are you?? Can you see that I am struggling here??"

Sometime in the wee hours of the dawn,  I finally fell asleep. The next morning...as I was getting ready for church...I still felt those feelings of frustration. I was feeling....in some ways...alone.

This is where one of those "WHAM" moments comes in. As I sat in the last hour of church....the woman began giving her lesson on Jesus Christ. She talked about Him....His attributes. How He came into this world having a foreknowledge of what He was to do. She talked about how willing He was to take upon Himself the pains, suffering and sins of this world.

She did this in making a specific point. We first have to remember the significance of Christ...which leads to our firm testimony of Him.

Which leads to having faith.....understanding that He has power over all things.... and trusting Him with our whole heart.

There it was my friends. The big "T" word. Trust. There was my problem. Up until that moment...I didn't realize I was struggling with it. I thought I had complete trust in my Savior...but I realized part of me was afraid of trusting Him completely.

I had kept some of the deepest parts of my heart....my fears and desires....and hopes for our little girl and our future locked away. I guess a part of me felt that putting my whole trust in someone else was far too scary. What if that trust lead to my heart breaking?

I had to realize that what David and I are facing, we have no control over. We have to have our complete trust in our Heavenly Father to know He will guide our hearts and our situation. Most of all...we have to trust in His will for us. In this trust....we can find the courage, hope and optimism to keep moving forward. Even if it still seems scary or overwhelming.

My learning this past week didn't stop there.

As the week rolled on....I caught a nasty cold. Which further lead to more sleepless nights. Which again...lead to another 3 am crying spell. This time....my flustered tears woke up David.

I was frustrated. Again. I was exhausted. Again. Uncomfortable. Again. And to top it off...my nose was running like a faucet. My throat was on fire. And I my legs felt like they needed to be stretched out by a steam roller. (Sorry folks....I'm not writing this for you to feel sorry for me...promise).

David is my hero. For so many reasons. That night....was yet another of many nights he has saved me. He rubbed my back and tried to comfort me. He gave me an incredibly beautiful blessing for me and our little girl. But in my stubbornness, I was still holding to that frustration.

After a little while, David had gone quite...and I assumed he had fallen back asleep. Slightly jealous, I stumbled in the dark to go try laying on the couch. That's when I saw David....not in bed....but kneeling and praying. Praying for me. Praying with his whole heart.

WHAM.

Again....I realized....I still wasn't letting go of my trust issue. Yet....watching David... I knew he had. David had that complete trust in our Savior to help me get through these difficult moments. And he loved me enough to sacrifice his own sleep to pray for me unceasingly.

That night, I was finally able to find peace in falling asleep. There have still been sleepless nights since....and my cold and I are still booger-y companions....but through my husband....and some divine intervention from our Heavenly Father....I have come to realize something.

This life isn't always fair. It knocks us down. We stumble. Our hearts can get pulled with sorrow or grief. However, because of Christ's sacrifice for us, the struggles of this life are not forever. In the end, He promises deliverance. He promises that all will be made fair and beautiful if we trust in Him.

Sometimes, He doesn't immediately take our burdens or trials away. But He will ease them. He will be there through every moment. Even if you, like me, can't see or become frustrated. He understands the pains of an aching heart.

The past few months, as David and I have walked this path of becoming parents....in learning of the struggles that we, and our little girl may face.....I have been humbled more times then I can count. I have also felt my heart grow with love in ways that I cannot even describe. I have an even greater love for my husband...who in every moment....walks in faith..and tries so hard to do everything he can to make me happy...comforted..and loved.  Even if that has meant listening to my complaints and giving me endless back-rubs. I have found such a love for our little girl...who...without even meeting her yet...has touched so many lives. We know she is special. She is pure and beautiful and alive. She has brought us closer to our Savior.

So...most of all....I found...it's okay to let it go. To give those deep emotions of my heart over to someone even greater.

And now? Well. I am still learning. I am continuing to believe. I am continuing to love.

Only about a month and a half left until our little girl arrives!

More Than Enough.

A little over a month ago, we were kneeling to pray in the evening with David's lovely aunt and cousins. His cousin began praying.....and something he said has stuck with me ever since. I think of it almost daily.

He said simply..."We are grateful that we have enough."

When he said this....I was struck so strongly by the spirit. Enough. That word seemed to replay in my mind over and over. At that point, we were just beginning to find out all of the news about our beautiful little baby...and feeling so many different emotions.

At the time, I was feeling like there was so much I wanted to be different. I wanted the doctors to find answers. I didn't want our baby to be facing such difficult trials. There were so many things I wished I could change. I think so many of my thoughts began with "I want..."

I was focusing so much on what I wanted to be different....that I was almost forgetting the wonderful abundance of good we have.

Sometimes, in life.....we might not having absolutely everything we want. We may not have the latest....coolest electronics. We may fall ill. We can break a bone. We might not have the perfect job, the perfect home.....all of the money we want.....or the ease of life we think we want.

But.....I know from my own personal reflection, when you take a step back....you realize that you have enough. 

Enough to get you through every day.  Enough to be happy. Enough to fill your whole soul with love and peace.

Heavenly Father has a beautiful plan for each one of us. At times, when we are struggling...it may not seem so perfect. However....if we continue moving forward....we eventually begin to see what He sees. We see the brilliant rays of happiness that enter our life. In the end...His path for us is much greater than anything we can plan for ourselves.

I am beyond blessed to have an amazing husband. (I know...I sound like a broken record.....but I can't ever fully express how much he means to me!) We have a place to live. Food to eat. Goals we are striving for. The strength of our Heavenly Father. We have received an outpouring of love and support from our family and friends.. And we are pregnant with a perfect little gift from God. We love her more than we could have ever imagined!

And for me....that is enough. My cup runneth over.

For those of you who want an update on our baby...we don't have any 'new' news. We cannot completely know the outcome until our little girl is born. Our doctors have been wonderful in working with us. For now, David and I are continuing to trust in God. We are filled with hope. 

There is power is prayer. There is power in believing in miracles. We would ask that you keep our little girl in your prayers! She still has a couple months of growing to do....time for certain parts of her little brain to keep growing. Time for her to defy all kinds of odds.

We love happy, sunny days!

We got the best visit from my sister and her kids!! Oh, how we love them!

We decided to check out lots of books from the library. We want our little girl to know in advance how much she is loved. (Plus...who doesn't secretly love to read children's books?)

As you can tell....I am still growing! There are days when I can't imagine getting bigger than I am now... Things like exercise and sleep are at times a distant memory.

Our Lightning Bolt

Shortly after I posted my last blog....I got a phone call. The doctors wanted to meet with David and I the next morning to go over all of our results.

Every part of me wanted to be so optimistic about the visit....but I felt there was a reason they wanted to meet with us in person. 

The next morning....David and I both couldn't shake the anxious feeling. When we got to the doctors office....I went to the bathroom to pray for the strength to sustain me through the visit. I prayed that whatever was to come....that we could find a string of hope to hold to. Little did I know how much we would need it. 

When they called us back...the nurse let us know the doctor wanted to do one more ultrasound just to get yet another look. Dr. Hales (who has been so great with us) came in and for the next 45 minutes kept looking over her spine and facial features. 

In my mind I thought...."This is a great sign! He hasn't even mentioned her brain." 

After the ultrasound...he told us he wanted to meet with us in the conference room to go over the genetic results and the MRI report from the U. Once we were in the room...a genetic counselor from the U was their via skype....a neonatologist...and Dr. Hales. 

Dr. Hales began reading the MRI report. With every line he read....my heart sank. Her little brain is much worse than we could have ever even begun to imagine. 

Suddenly I felt like my world was spinning. Every part of me had somehow secretly hoped that we would go into the room and they would say..."Well actually...everything looks great! We just looked wrong." 

Instead....here we were. Being told our little girl might not survive for very long. 

We were being counseled about the decisions that lay ahead for us. They told us they wanted us to think about how aggressive or palliative we want to be with her care. 

I didn't even know how to process those words. What was that even supposed to mean? I grabbed David's arm....and tried to fight back the emotions and tears. We needed to hear all they had to tell us. 

The doctors gave us different scenarios of her birth. She may be born breathing....but the rest of her brain vegetative. Or she may be able to breathe....but not have the ability to eat...would we want to keep her on a feeding tube if she is suffering? Or if she isn't able to breath on her own....what would we want to do? On and on it continued....because of her condition....there is no way to be certain of the results....they continued to say. 

In all scenarios they went over...they feel there will likely come a point where David and I have to decide what is enough....and when to let her go. 

Even as I type those words....I can't fully grasp them.. How can we decide that?? I feel like I need a license or something to make that decision. How can we ever be strong enough to say good-bye to our little girl? 

It is so odd...they told us...that every other part of her is perfect. The genetic tests came back normal. There is no known condition that would cause this. They have never seen the brain become so affected the way hers is. Dr. Hayle said....it's spontaneous. Like getting struck by a lightning bolt. 

An hour a half later....We left the office....once again....unsure how to even begin processing. We sat in the car held each other.....and cried. And prayed. And tried to make an ounce of sense out of what we heard. 

In the days that have followed...I think we both have cycled through so many different emotions. At one point....I had reached a level where I was already feeling like I was having to say good-bye to our little girl. I felt like I couldn't wrap my mind around it.

However....because our Heavenly Father is so merciful...He sent me help....through my incredible husband. As we prayed together one evening...David began praying for our little girl. Praying that she would have a fighting spirit. That she would be able to defy the odds that are placed upon her. Praying that as her parents...we would also be able to fight for her. That we could keep believing in miracles.

That hit me like a train. It was possibly the sweetest, most sincere prayer I have ever heard. How could I ever be giving up on our little girl? Of course we would fight for her. Pray for her. Hope. And know that God has power over all things. It is our time to continue to actively trust in Him.

We move forward. We believe in the power of miracles. If the time comes that we need to make those decisions... God will give us the strength to make those.

For now...that gives me hope. Yes....our little girl may be like a lightning bolt. But she is the most incredible lightning bolt to hit our lives. She has illuminated our skies in so many ways. Already....she is a miracle and strength in our lives. Loving her.....praying for her....believing in her has brought me closer to my Heavenly Father. It has humbled me. It has brought me to my knees countless times.

If there are any of you out there who are struggling....if you feel you are hanging by a thread....or maybe you are just having a rough day... Don't ever give up hope. Even if all the signs around you point the other way. 

It is not easy to keep hope. You have to work at it every day. Sometimes even minute to minute. But you don't have to do it alone....God is with you. He weeps with you. He rejoices with you. He will strengthen you. When you have nothing left within you....He will make the difference.

This hasn't been easy for us. There are still so many moments when David and I feel there are simply to many emotions to even process. It is almost a numbing effect. It is in these moments we are carried by His strength. 

There will be hard days ahead.

But there will also be beautiful days.

Happiness can be found even through tears.

So....from now until our sweet little girl comes, we will continue to love. We will love her with all the strength and power of our hearts. 

God is real. Miracles can happen. 

We are so grateful for all of you who have offered prayers on our behalf. There is power in prayer. They truly do give us hope...and strengthen our little girl!

Our journey is just beginning. 

The Depth of a Soul.

I stare at the computer screen....trying to find the words to convey all of my thoughts.

David and I have decided that we will share this new journey we are on....no matter how hard or unknown it may be. Even if no one ever stumbles across this.....we want to be able to look back and know we were truly be carried by our Heavenly Father. And maybe....it will help just one person on their own journey..

On January 19th....I had special fetal ultrasound done to take a look at our little girls heart. Because my husband has a congenital heart defect....they just wanted to make sure everything was working right. I went in expecting good news.. But as the doctor kept staring at the ultrasound machine in silence.....I knew something was wrong.

As it would turn out.....her little heart is perfect. But her little brain isn't. The doctor struggled to find the words to tell me what he was seeing. Severe brain abnormalities. He had never seen such abnormalities before. Her little spine that is also affected. And....that she has a cleft palate and lip. He talked about other tests that would need to be done. He tried to tell me what he was seeing...but wasn't quite sure himself....  He was unsure of her surviving after being born. Or...what her quality of life would be. Or the thousand other possibilities that her abnormalities could mean.

I can't even describe that moment. I never realized a heart could ache so deeply...that a mind could be flooded with a thousand different thoughts in one mere instant.

I tried to stay strong. I wanted to hear every word the doctor was saying. I fought back the wave of tears that threatened to break through. David couldn't be there...he had to be at work(after all...we weren't expecting anything to be very wrong).. and I wanted to be able to tell him everything. Lucky for me....my wonderful in-laws were there. The doctor stepped out of the room for a moment....and I lost it. I sobbed into their shoulders.

"Our little girl. Our perfect....beautiful little girl...." was all that kept running through my mind.

The doctor came back in to do an amniocentesis....a test that would help them see if this was a specific syndrome on her chromosomes. As the needle pierced into my stomach....it seemed to match the ache in my heart.

The doctor was so kind. I felt so grateful. He promised to be in contact soon....after consulting with his colleagues at the University of Utah.

It was a surreal feeling to leave....to have received such hard hitting news....and yet hardly seem to know anything. In my mind I thought "I can feel her move so much inside me....she seems so complete....how can something be so terribly wrong?"

I called David. And with a teary...shaky voice....told him the news. I knew it would be incredibly hard for him to receive such news at work...  As a tender mercy for us,  his boss (who we are so grateful for!) gave him the rest of the day off...

Right when I saw David walking toward me with red eyes....I lost it again. He held me while I sobbed. For that moment....with David by my side....I could keep moving forward.

The rest of the week was a blur. We waited....praying for answers....praying for peace....praying for understanding.

As some of the results came back....it opened up even more doors of the unknown. A doctor from the University of Utah contacted us to try and go over what we knew. She said they were searching for a syndrome or diagnosis to help us see what her prognosis will be. The hard part....is that there is so much they didn't know. She gave us the hopeful reminder that medicine doesn't know everything. That even if they find a syndrome or a prognosis...there is much room for things to be on either end of the scale. They needed more images...she had said....and further testing on her chromosomes...which would take a couple weeks.

So we were left again to wait. And wonder. We reached a point where we felt at peace. We felt strengthened knowing that God is in charge. In knowing that He can see what we can't. He knows how special our little girl is.

We had another doctors visit this week....an MRI for the doctors to see a clearer picture of her little brain. However..it feels that with each doctors visit...we find out another part of her brain that is missing or abnormal. The doctor promised to be in touch with us again later this week to go over what they find/think about her condition. From there...she said....we will likely begin seeing a specialist at the University of Utah and deliver at that hospital.

With any one part of her brain that is missing/abnormal...a person can be completely normal. However....with her combination...they are unsure of the result.

The visit seemed to bring another wave of emotions. David and I felt, again, like we were just trying to stay afloat in a giant ocean of the unknown.

Would we have to say good-bye too soon? If so, how do you prepare to say good-bye to someone you love so much? What would she be facing? Would she defy the odds that are placed upon her? If her problems are severe...would we be strong enough to watch her struggle? So many thoughts...once more came flooding to the surface.

So...we've reached the here and now. We still sit in a whole heap of things we don't know. We are waiting for the call to tell us what they find.

Honestly.....this is hardest trial I have ever faced. I have moments where I am scared. Moments where I don't feel strong enough to keep pressing forward. There are moments where my tears seem endless.

However....there have been incredible moments. Moments where I have felt so close to my Heavenly Father. Moments of pure peace and hope. Moments of comfort. Moments of overwhelming love for my husband and our little girl.

Trials are hard. They seem to pull at the very fabric of your heart and soul. But I have come to realize that we are not in this alone. God didn't intend for us to face trials because He wanted to punish us. He knows what we can become. There are so many blessings that He wants to give us.......and sometimes....it is because of the greatest sorrows that we can find the greatest joy. 

One of the most amazing women I know recently gave us great insight. Often times in trials....we have fleeting moments of thinking "Why me....why now?" She said....instead..."Why not you? Why not now?" Heavenly Father believes we have the strength to get through this.

And I believe in Him. 

There is light in the darkness. Sometimes....that light is like the light of the moon...incredibly bright...but still unable to lighten all of the darkness.....We just need to have to have the faith to hold on until sunrise....when we can finally see everything.

We have been so humbled by the prayers and support that have been on our behalf. We feel so blessed to be able to see the hand of the Lord through so many people.

Most of all....I am blessed with the most incredible husband. He is my light and strength. 

I know that the love we have for each other.....and for our little girl is strong enough to see miracles.