Finding Strength.

I sit here staring at the calendar in anxious disbelief (if that combination of feelings even makes sense). Some days tick by slowly....and it still feels  unreal that within a month, we will have our little girl. Other days...I realize how much we have going on this month in addition to our little girl arriving, all of the decisions that lie ahead....and I feel like time is moving on turbo speed.

I am 37 weeks along....which technically means...I'm considered full term. I think of that with amazement.

There were times during these past nine months where I was certain time was reversing itself. Times when the months of April and May seemed eons away.  We had all the time in the world to prepare.

Or so I thought.

Now it's the second week in April....and part of me feels a slight panic. Am I ready for all that lies ahead?? Are we  ready for all that lies ahead?? I think of those questions almost every night.  I stare at the things we have packed and ready for our little girl. I replay a zillion different scenarios over in my mind of possible outcomes.

I feel like I still cycle through so many emotions. There are moments when I am on a high of hope....and certain that all will work out....that we will have our little girl. Sometimes....I even forget that she has so many anomalies.. Then there are days like yesterday...

Our doctor told us she would be presenting our baby's case in front of a team of doctors. Any doctor that may even remotely be involved with her care will be in this meeting. They have to prepare for worst case scenarios.  After that...they will want us to meet with the neonatologist.....to discuss with us those possible worst case scenarios. They will need to know what David and I want to do....should things go wrong...How much intervention do we want? Endless other questions that I (we) don't even want to think about. It brought all of my emotions and fears rushing to the surface.

Leaving our appointment yesterday, I felt like the thin thread that was holding my emotions together was threatening to break.  

Once again...as we got into the car, I sobbed. I felt my frustrated, hot tears continuously roll down my face. How come we have to face this...I kept asking David....How come our little girl has to face this....Why does absolutely everything surrounding her birth and life have to be so unknown...Why does it have to be so hard.....How can Heavenly Father think we are strong enough for this?? Feeling helpless and defeated.....I squeaked out...I just want to be a mom. I want to see you be a dad.

David....as always my anchor....held my hand, comforted me and let me cry it out. We have both gone through these same emotions numerous times.

A few hours later....I read a talk about fear. About turning our fears to Christ. It hit me like a train...and brought me to my knees. There is One who knows the unknown that we are facing (something that I have to remind myself of often). Christ has promised to walk with us through our darkest unknowns. He never fails to send us His comfort. Even during my moments of frustration. Even when I feel myself wavering. Even when I am afraid.

He brings peace. He brings hope. He can hush our fears when nothing else in the world can. I know I am not strong enough to face what lies ahead for us. But I know that Christ is. In His strength, we are capable of facing any trial and overcoming any doubt or fear. I know that God has a plan for us....and a plan for our baby....because we are His children.

And He loves us with a greater love then we can comprehend. 

Our little girl has brought us so much happiness already. She has taught us so much about pressing forward with faith, even when the path is hard and our steps are unsteady. She is continually growing and developing. Every other part of her is doing great. The main worry is her brain.

When she is born....the biggest concern is if she will be born breathing.

Her brainstem isn't affected....so there is a high chance that she will be able to breathe on her own. However....because of the other areas of her brain that are affected...they have no way to be certain. With any one of the areas affected, she could be born with normal neurological functioning....they are just uncertain with her specific combination of anomalies.

So....we pray. And ask for your prayers as well. We pray that she will be born with the ability to breathe on her own. That she will have the neurological functioning she needs to survive and defy the odds that are placed upon her. We pray that she will have sight and mobility. And that when the time comes....they will be able to fix her palate to enable her to eat.

Most importantly.....we pray for His will to be done. Whatever that may be.

We believe in miracles.

We believe in our beautiful little girl. 

I know I frequently sound like a broken record...but we are continually thankful for so many prayers. I have never had my testimony in something so certain. Prayer is powerful.

It has helped me hold to hope. It has helped me continue to believe in our little girl....to believe in her own fighting spirit. To believe that she can overcome the trials she will face. It has gotten me through a number of sleepless nights. It has helped me face the normal pregnancy joys of heartburn, back pain, and nausea. It has give both David and I the courage to face the unknown.

Together, with the strength of the Lord, we can face all that lies ahead. He takes each of us....imperfect as we may be.....and shapes us into something even greater. He sees all that we cannot. No matter the outcome...Our little girl, David and I....we are a family.

That type of love is eternal. 

Learning Trust.

Pregnancy for me has been a beautiful thing....but it has also been hard.

In almost every aspect....emotionally, physically and spiritually. The past week was one of those hard weeks.

It all started around last Saturday night. It was about my second sleepless night in a row. At about 3 am...staring at the clock....trying to get comfortable for the zillionth time...I lost it. I cried and cried. In my frustration....I started praying. All I kept thinking was.... "Heavenly Father....how is this fair? I am trying so hard to have faith.....to be what you want me to be.......but everything seems so hard.... here we are facing the unknown in almost every aspect of our lives and now I can't even seem to sleep. I am exhausted....this is too much for me. This is too hard for me to do. Where are you?? Can you see that I am struggling here??"

Sometime in the wee hours of the dawn,  I finally fell asleep. The next morning...as I was getting ready for church...I still felt those feelings of frustration. I was feeling....in some ways...alone.

This is where one of those "WHAM" moments comes in. As I sat in the last hour of church....the woman began giving her lesson on Jesus Christ. She talked about Him....His attributes. How He came into this world having a foreknowledge of what He was to do. She talked about how willing He was to take upon Himself the pains, suffering and sins of this world.

She did this in making a specific point. We first have to remember the significance of Christ...which leads to our firm testimony of Him.

Which leads to having faith.....understanding that He has power over all things.... and trusting Him with our whole heart.

There it was my friends. The big "T" word. Trust. There was my problem. Up until that moment...I didn't realize I was struggling with it. I thought I had complete trust in my Savior...but I realized part of me was afraid of trusting Him completely.

I had kept some of the deepest parts of my heart....my fears and desires....and hopes for our little girl and our future locked away. I guess a part of me felt that putting my whole trust in someone else was far too scary. What if that trust lead to my heart breaking?

I had to realize that what David and I are facing, we have no control over. We have to have our complete trust in our Heavenly Father to know He will guide our hearts and our situation. Most of all...we have to trust in His will for us. In this trust....we can find the courage, hope and optimism to keep moving forward. Even if it still seems scary or overwhelming.

My learning this past week didn't stop there.

As the week rolled on....I caught a nasty cold. Which further lead to more sleepless nights. Which again...lead to another 3 am crying spell. This time....my flustered tears woke up David.

I was frustrated. Again. I was exhausted. Again. Uncomfortable. Again. And to top it off...my nose was running like a faucet. My throat was on fire. And I my legs felt like they needed to be stretched out by a steam roller. (Sorry folks....I'm not writing this for you to feel sorry for me...promise).

David is my hero. For so many reasons. That night....was yet another of many nights he has saved me. He rubbed my back and tried to comfort me. He gave me an incredibly beautiful blessing for me and our little girl. But in my stubbornness, I was still holding to that frustration.

After a little while, David had gone quite...and I assumed he had fallen back asleep. Slightly jealous, I stumbled in the dark to go try laying on the couch. That's when I saw David....not in bed....but kneeling and praying. Praying for me. Praying with his whole heart.

WHAM.

Again....I realized....I still wasn't letting go of my trust issue. Yet....watching David... I knew he had. David had that complete trust in our Savior to help me get through these difficult moments. And he loved me enough to sacrifice his own sleep to pray for me unceasingly.

That night, I was finally able to find peace in falling asleep. There have still been sleepless nights since....and my cold and I are still booger-y companions....but through my husband....and some divine intervention from our Heavenly Father....I have come to realize something.

This life isn't always fair. It knocks us down. We stumble. Our hearts can get pulled with sorrow or grief. However, because of Christ's sacrifice for us, the struggles of this life are not forever. In the end, He promises deliverance. He promises that all will be made fair and beautiful if we trust in Him.

Sometimes, He doesn't immediately take our burdens or trials away. But He will ease them. He will be there through every moment. Even if you, like me, can't see or become frustrated. He understands the pains of an aching heart.

The past few months, as David and I have walked this path of becoming parents....in learning of the struggles that we, and our little girl may face.....I have been humbled more times then I can count. I have also felt my heart grow with love in ways that I cannot even describe. I have an even greater love for my husband...who in every moment....walks in faith..and tries so hard to do everything he can to make me happy...comforted..and loved.  Even if that has meant listening to my complaints and giving me endless back-rubs. I have found such a love for our little girl...who...without even meeting her yet...has touched so many lives. We know she is special. She is pure and beautiful and alive. She has brought us closer to our Savior.

So...most of all....I found...it's okay to let it go. To give those deep emotions of my heart over to someone even greater.

And now? Well. I am still learning. I am continuing to believe. I am continuing to love.

Only about a month and a half left until our little girl arrives!