Coming Home.

Well.....it's official my friends.

We have left the hospital! This post comes to you right from the living room of home. 

This week has felt so surreal. There were so many moments where I felt like the hospital really going to be our "home." To be able to buckle Adalyn in our car and drive away was the absolute best feeling. For over a month I would see new little families take their babies home...and felt so jealous and happy that they were able to take their baby home. This week was our turn.

The morning we took her home, I thought over and over about our time in the NICU. It was hard. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. However.....I will be forever grateful for the absolutely amazing people we met there.

For example....Meet Elisa, our nurse practitioner. She was with us from Day 1.....right after Adalyn was born. She impacted our lives in so many ways....and we are better off because of knowing her....and for all of the things she has done for our little girl.

Some of our nurses and Occupational Therapists....which I kick myself for not getting pictures of...also impacted our lives so greatly because of their big hearts. For being there for me on the days that I was a mess of tears.

The past few days of being home have been beautiful. Yet so many parts of me still feel so afraid. 

It is so hard for us to watch Adalyn continue to have seizures. To wonder if any medicine will be able to work. To sit back and feel so helpless.....and pray and pray that she comes back out of it.

I am afraid at times....of thinking of the future. Wondering if we will ever find that sense of "normal" again. Wondering if I will always be paranoid to even walk out of the room....without a fear of what will happen if I'm not there. Or waking up in the middle of the night hearing her oxygen monitor beeping and my heart sinking...wondering if it is yet another seizure....or is she just kicking her feet around?

This picture melts my heart!

I find myself still mourning the life that Adalyn won't be living......mourning for the questions that remain unanswered. Will she be able to run through the sprinklers? Blow bubbles and eat otter pops during the summer? Build snowmen? Dance around in the rain? Walk? Run? Ride a bike?

I know those are silly thoughts.....but they are at times the type of thoughts that haunt me in the middle of the night. Or cause me to sit in the closet and cry....until my amazing husband comes to find me...and cries with me. 

Recently, I was reminded of something David said to me on the day we got married. We were sitting next to each other....right before the ceremony and David took my left hand....twirling my ring around. He asked if I knew why he picked my ring. I think I expected some witty reply....I shrugged my shoulders and laughed..

He looked at me and said....."We are like the pieces on the outside.....and God is the center. As long as we keep putting Him first....we will have forever. We can get through anything."

I have thought of that each time I have looked at my hand this week.

Trails test you to your absolute limits. I have prayed with angry hot tears streaming down my face. I have prayed with tears of gratitude. I have prayed questioning His plan for us. I have prayed truly wondering if we could get through this. I have prayed for each happy moment of pure peace we have had with her.

Having Adalyn in our lives has brought us to our knees more than I can count. Having her in our lives has made us seek daily to be better. To be better for her. To be the best parents we can be in facing this situation.

We are far from having this all figured out. Going to the store by myself to by a few groceries was such an odd feeling. We still haven't yet got all the way up to cooking our own dinners yet. That sense of normal hasn't kicked in. Hopefully by next week! For now...we are so thankful for his lovely sister Heather in feeding us amazing dinners.

Baby steps.

For now, we are trying to be grateful for the moment we are in. For the moments we can kiss her sweet cheeks and toes. For the moments I get to watch David tell her stories.....or work on "bicycle kicks" with her. For the moments that we get to sway her to sleep in our arms.

Those moments are too beautiful to capture in words. 

It is in those moments I know that somehow, this will be okay. As David reminds me, God's plans are eternal. Often we are only seeing one piece in the pattern. Someday, we will get to see the whole masterpiece.

Just because it is complex, doesn't mean it has to be awful.

Her first time outside...and she snoozed through it!

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Best afternoon!

This is what it's all about folks

I know I have posted this before...but this song is sums up so much of my thoughts. It is beautiful! And helps get me through tough moments!

Thank you all again for so many countless prayers on our behalf.  They truly have carried us through and strengthened us.  We have seen so many tender mercies as a result.

Learning Trust.

Pregnancy for me has been a beautiful thing....but it has also been hard.

In almost every aspect....emotionally, physically and spiritually. The past week was one of those hard weeks.

It all started around last Saturday night. It was about my second sleepless night in a row. At about 3 am...staring at the clock....trying to get comfortable for the zillionth time...I lost it. I cried and cried. In my frustration....I started praying. All I kept thinking was.... "Heavenly Father....how is this fair? I am trying so hard to have faith.....to be what you want me to be.......but everything seems so hard.... here we are facing the unknown in almost every aspect of our lives and now I can't even seem to sleep. I am exhausted....this is too much for me. This is too hard for me to do. Where are you?? Can you see that I am struggling here??"

Sometime in the wee hours of the dawn,  I finally fell asleep. The next morning...as I was getting ready for church...I still felt those feelings of frustration. I was feeling....in some ways...alone.

This is where one of those "WHAM" moments comes in. As I sat in the last hour of church....the woman began giving her lesson on Jesus Christ. She talked about Him....His attributes. How He came into this world having a foreknowledge of what He was to do. She talked about how willing He was to take upon Himself the pains, suffering and sins of this world.

She did this in making a specific point. We first have to remember the significance of Christ...which leads to our firm testimony of Him.

Which leads to having faith.....understanding that He has power over all things.... and trusting Him with our whole heart.

There it was my friends. The big "T" word. Trust. There was my problem. Up until that moment...I didn't realize I was struggling with it. I thought I had complete trust in my Savior...but I realized part of me was afraid of trusting Him completely.

I had kept some of the deepest parts of my heart....my fears and desires....and hopes for our little girl and our future locked away. I guess a part of me felt that putting my whole trust in someone else was far too scary. What if that trust lead to my heart breaking?

I had to realize that what David and I are facing, we have no control over. We have to have our complete trust in our Heavenly Father to know He will guide our hearts and our situation. Most of all...we have to trust in His will for us. In this trust....we can find the courage, hope and optimism to keep moving forward. Even if it still seems scary or overwhelming.

My learning this past week didn't stop there.

As the week rolled on....I caught a nasty cold. Which further lead to more sleepless nights. Which again...lead to another 3 am crying spell. This time....my flustered tears woke up David.

I was frustrated. Again. I was exhausted. Again. Uncomfortable. Again. And to top it off...my nose was running like a faucet. My throat was on fire. And I my legs felt like they needed to be stretched out by a steam roller. (Sorry folks....I'm not writing this for you to feel sorry for me...promise).

David is my hero. For so many reasons. That night....was yet another of many nights he has saved me. He rubbed my back and tried to comfort me. He gave me an incredibly beautiful blessing for me and our little girl. But in my stubbornness, I was still holding to that frustration.

After a little while, David had gone quite...and I assumed he had fallen back asleep. Slightly jealous, I stumbled in the dark to go try laying on the couch. That's when I saw David....not in bed....but kneeling and praying. Praying for me. Praying with his whole heart.

WHAM.

Again....I realized....I still wasn't letting go of my trust issue. Yet....watching David... I knew he had. David had that complete trust in our Savior to help me get through these difficult moments. And he loved me enough to sacrifice his own sleep to pray for me unceasingly.

That night, I was finally able to find peace in falling asleep. There have still been sleepless nights since....and my cold and I are still booger-y companions....but through my husband....and some divine intervention from our Heavenly Father....I have come to realize something.

This life isn't always fair. It knocks us down. We stumble. Our hearts can get pulled with sorrow or grief. However, because of Christ's sacrifice for us, the struggles of this life are not forever. In the end, He promises deliverance. He promises that all will be made fair and beautiful if we trust in Him.

Sometimes, He doesn't immediately take our burdens or trials away. But He will ease them. He will be there through every moment. Even if you, like me, can't see or become frustrated. He understands the pains of an aching heart.

The past few months, as David and I have walked this path of becoming parents....in learning of the struggles that we, and our little girl may face.....I have been humbled more times then I can count. I have also felt my heart grow with love in ways that I cannot even describe. I have an even greater love for my husband...who in every moment....walks in faith..and tries so hard to do everything he can to make me happy...comforted..and loved.  Even if that has meant listening to my complaints and giving me endless back-rubs. I have found such a love for our little girl...who...without even meeting her yet...has touched so many lives. We know she is special. She is pure and beautiful and alive. She has brought us closer to our Savior.

So...most of all....I found...it's okay to let it go. To give those deep emotions of my heart over to someone even greater.

And now? Well. I am still learning. I am continuing to believe. I am continuing to love.

Only about a month and a half left until our little girl arrives!

The Depth of a Soul.

I stare at the computer screen....trying to find the words to convey all of my thoughts.

David and I have decided that we will share this new journey we are on....no matter how hard or unknown it may be. Even if no one ever stumbles across this.....we want to be able to look back and know we were truly be carried by our Heavenly Father. And maybe....it will help just one person on their own journey..

On January 19th....I had special fetal ultrasound done to take a look at our little girls heart. Because my husband has a congenital heart defect....they just wanted to make sure everything was working right. I went in expecting good news.. But as the doctor kept staring at the ultrasound machine in silence.....I knew something was wrong.

As it would turn out.....her little heart is perfect. But her little brain isn't. The doctor struggled to find the words to tell me what he was seeing. Severe brain abnormalities. He had never seen such abnormalities before. Her little spine that is also affected. And....that she has a cleft palate and lip. He talked about other tests that would need to be done. He tried to tell me what he was seeing...but wasn't quite sure himself....  He was unsure of her surviving after being born. Or...what her quality of life would be. Or the thousand other possibilities that her abnormalities could mean.

I can't even describe that moment. I never realized a heart could ache so deeply...that a mind could be flooded with a thousand different thoughts in one mere instant.

I tried to stay strong. I wanted to hear every word the doctor was saying. I fought back the wave of tears that threatened to break through. David couldn't be there...he had to be at work(after all...we weren't expecting anything to be very wrong).. and I wanted to be able to tell him everything. Lucky for me....my wonderful in-laws were there. The doctor stepped out of the room for a moment....and I lost it. I sobbed into their shoulders.

"Our little girl. Our perfect....beautiful little girl...." was all that kept running through my mind.

The doctor came back in to do an amniocentesis....a test that would help them see if this was a specific syndrome on her chromosomes. As the needle pierced into my stomach....it seemed to match the ache in my heart.

The doctor was so kind. I felt so grateful. He promised to be in contact soon....after consulting with his colleagues at the University of Utah.

It was a surreal feeling to leave....to have received such hard hitting news....and yet hardly seem to know anything. In my mind I thought "I can feel her move so much inside me....she seems so complete....how can something be so terribly wrong?"

I called David. And with a teary...shaky voice....told him the news. I knew it would be incredibly hard for him to receive such news at work...  As a tender mercy for us,  his boss (who we are so grateful for!) gave him the rest of the day off...

Right when I saw David walking toward me with red eyes....I lost it again. He held me while I sobbed. For that moment....with David by my side....I could keep moving forward.

The rest of the week was a blur. We waited....praying for answers....praying for peace....praying for understanding.

As some of the results came back....it opened up even more doors of the unknown. A doctor from the University of Utah contacted us to try and go over what we knew. She said they were searching for a syndrome or diagnosis to help us see what her prognosis will be. The hard part....is that there is so much they didn't know. She gave us the hopeful reminder that medicine doesn't know everything. That even if they find a syndrome or a prognosis...there is much room for things to be on either end of the scale. They needed more images...she had said....and further testing on her chromosomes...which would take a couple weeks.

So we were left again to wait. And wonder. We reached a point where we felt at peace. We felt strengthened knowing that God is in charge. In knowing that He can see what we can't. He knows how special our little girl is.

We had another doctors visit this week....an MRI for the doctors to see a clearer picture of her little brain. However..it feels that with each doctors visit...we find out another part of her brain that is missing or abnormal. The doctor promised to be in touch with us again later this week to go over what they find/think about her condition. From there...she said....we will likely begin seeing a specialist at the University of Utah and deliver at that hospital.

With any one part of her brain that is missing/abnormal...a person can be completely normal. However....with her combination...they are unsure of the result.

The visit seemed to bring another wave of emotions. David and I felt, again, like we were just trying to stay afloat in a giant ocean of the unknown.

Would we have to say good-bye too soon? If so, how do you prepare to say good-bye to someone you love so much? What would she be facing? Would she defy the odds that are placed upon her? If her problems are severe...would we be strong enough to watch her struggle? So many thoughts...once more came flooding to the surface.

So...we've reached the here and now. We still sit in a whole heap of things we don't know. We are waiting for the call to tell us what they find.

Honestly.....this is hardest trial I have ever faced. I have moments where I am scared. Moments where I don't feel strong enough to keep pressing forward. There are moments where my tears seem endless.

However....there have been incredible moments. Moments where I have felt so close to my Heavenly Father. Moments of pure peace and hope. Moments of comfort. Moments of overwhelming love for my husband and our little girl.

Trials are hard. They seem to pull at the very fabric of your heart and soul. But I have come to realize that we are not in this alone. God didn't intend for us to face trials because He wanted to punish us. He knows what we can become. There are so many blessings that He wants to give us.......and sometimes....it is because of the greatest sorrows that we can find the greatest joy. 

One of the most amazing women I know recently gave us great insight. Often times in trials....we have fleeting moments of thinking "Why me....why now?" She said....instead..."Why not you? Why not now?" Heavenly Father believes we have the strength to get through this.

And I believe in Him. 

There is light in the darkness. Sometimes....that light is like the light of the moon...incredibly bright...but still unable to lighten all of the darkness.....We just need to have to have the faith to hold on until sunrise....when we can finally see everything.

We have been so humbled by the prayers and support that have been on our behalf. We feel so blessed to be able to see the hand of the Lord through so many people.

Most of all....I am blessed with the most incredible husband. He is my light and strength. 

I know that the love we have for each other.....and for our little girl is strong enough to see miracles.