When a Heart Breaks

I have spent so much time this past month reflecting.... Reflecting on each day of May last year. I knew this month would bring up a lot of emotions, but I wasn't prepared.

A sweet friend told me recently that during hard trials, or traumatic moments....we sort of go on auto pilot. It is a type of numbness that helps you get through the days you are facing.... A year later, my "numbness" from last May has worn off...

I shared a handful of blog posts last May...but there were many times I didn't have the heart to include everything...Times when I couldn't find the words to convey what my heart felt.. So, I'm going to go back to last year in this post. Back to many of the moments when I felt completely broken.. 

Just two short days after Adalyn was born, she had her a MRI..we wanted to believe so deeply that everything would look much more hopeful. Instead, we got the opposite. I remember three separate doctors walking us into a room..and feeling immediately scared. The look on each face spoke volumes about what was to come. Adalyn's brain was not compatible with life....best case scenario...if she never were to develop seizures or other conditions...we could hope to have 3 years.

I wanted to throw up. I felt like I was hearing underwater...and not able to process what they were saying...

As they left us in the room to hold each other and cry....As broken as we felt, we made a resolve that we wouldn't believe in statistics... we would believe in Adalyn. We would take each day...and hope we all we had for a miracle.

That night, I was discharged from the hospital. We stayed at the Ronald McDonald house close to the hospital (a place that will forever hold my heart).

As time would have it...David was getting ready to graduate from Physical Therapy school. He was required to be down in Las Vegas to finish and present his research project. Every part of me hated that he had to go. We had no idea of what to expect....what was to come. Luckily, I was blessed to be surrounded by physical angels. My angel of a sister stayed with me each day David was gone. David's sweet sister Aimee visited frequently...and we had such loving friends.

We love Aunt Amber! 

We had thought we were most certainly at rock bottom. The only way to go would be up.... Or so we wanted to believe.

The first two weeks of her life....almost each day another doctor would come talk to me about what they thought Adalyn's life would look like...again going over life expectancy...scenarios..etc. Most of those visits I wanted to scream. No one should ever have those conversations about their sweet babies. I had had to hold Adalyn down countless times for different tests and procedures, and felt my heart break with each of her cries. Each day was such an emotional uphill.

Through it all, we held to Adalyn. She was the strong one. She continued to develop abilities that amazed us

David was able to come back on the weekends...he always is my comfort. In hindsight....I still kick myself for not realizing how sick he was too.... He had hardly eaten for almost two months. He didn't have an appetite. He would eat a few bites of food...and be full. He had pains in his stomach...he couldn't walk very far without being short of breath...and his color slowly turned more and more yellow.

At the time, we just told ourselves it was stress. If you could think of just about every possible major stress people face....we were facing it. I mean, not just were we facing bringing a new child into the world...she was medically fragile. David was graduating. We didn't really have a home. Or a job.

Needless to say, our eyes were blinded...and we just assumed he had ulcers. We couldn't have been more wrong. In fact...a week before we found out what was really going on with David I had said."David...you have to stay healthy. There is no way I could handle you being in the hospital too."

As the end of May came, we had started feeling more hopeful. David was done with school. Adalyn was doing amazing at eating from the bottle....we hadn't seen any signs of seizures...We were even talking about getting ready to go home...we had almost ruled out Adalyn having to have surgery for a G-tube.

I love looking at pictures of her with her special bottle. She worked so hard! 

I felt such hope that we would go home and thrive....that the three of us could beat the odds we were up against..

However...all of my hopes came crashing down in a matter of days. Those days still haunt me....still have the ability to bring up all of my helpless insecurities.

Adalyn had a swallow study to make sure she was swallowing correctly as she would eat. We weren't even worried about her not passing it. But during the test, she showed signs of aspirating her food... Meaning some of her food would go into her lungs... The tech fed her so much at once that Adalyn threw up all over... She was so upset. I wanted to grab her and run away... Again we were left feeling heart broken...she loved eating from the bottle. It was hard to take that away from her. Hard to imagine sending our sweet little girl into surgery.... We left that test in tears....only to get hit by another metaphorical train.

Quite literally by the time we got back to the NICU with Adalyn, an EEG team was there waiting for us. We had seen signs of seizures for a couple days, an EEG would confirm if they really were.... We desperately wanted to hope it wasn't. Once more, we had to hold our sweet girl as she was hooked up to dozens of wires...

Within an hour....they confirmed she was indeed having seizures. I never knew of anything I would grow to hate more than those awful things...

That night, the pharmacist came to give Adalyn her first dose of seizure meds....Ironically...that morning I had joked with her about how we were her easiest patients because Adalyn wasn't on any medicines.... Once more I sat eating my words as she cried with us...and explained what they were going to give..

We left the hospital that night feeling like our legs had been knocked out from under us...We cried and cried for our beautiful, sweet girl...Those helpless feeling had hit us heavy that night.

The very next day....David thought he should go get his "ulcers" checked out....and I went up to be with Adalyn.

I got a call from David...his first words were..."You're never going to believe this.." I laughed. Thinking it must be something simple.

His next words were that he was heading to the emergency room. 

On his way to the ER....he was able to briefly stop to see me..... at the same time Adalyn's neurologist came to talk to me about what seizures meant for Adalyn.

I felt like my world was crumbling as I held her..watching David walk away.. Tearfully trying to listen to what her doctor said.. Trying not to let myself process David's news yet... Trying simply to remind myself to breathe.... As soon as her doctor left I quickly put Adalyn down, gave her a kiss...and went down to the ER.

I walked into David's room and felt my fears hit me like another train. Seeing him hooked up to everything made my heart sink... As it would turn out... David was in multiple organ failure... He had fluid backed up everywhere. His abdomen was full of fluid..and his lungs... He was in severe heart failure....his liver was failing....and his kidney's weren't in great shape...

By the time I got there...the Heart failure/transplant team had been notified. The first thing I could find to pipe out were.."Is he going to be okay?" Dr. Gloom....(how I like to refer to him...due to his bedside manner....) Said.."There is no way to know at this time. Look at him... He looks awful. Look at his color. Look at his legs... See...pitting edema...." Needless to say....he brought all my worst fears to the table.

The whole time... David was squeezing my hand trying to whisper... "I'm okay...really. I'm okay."

I felt like screaming....no....it's not okay! You're not okay. This isn't okay.... How can anything be okay?! 

Still smiling...even in the hospital. That's David for you. 

A few minutes later...I found a bathroom....and sobbed. I couldn't even find the words to pray other than "Please......please help." My world was hanging in the balance. The two people I loved more than anything were fighting for their lives....and I could do nothing for them...


In a matter of a few days, David went from being 150lbs....to a big 128 lbs. At that point, I felt like if someone had asked me where we lived....I would have honestly said the hospital...because that's where we were all staying...

The allowed David to come down to the NICU to visit Adalyn....I think each of our nurses and NICU team cried each time they saw David come down. We were quite the sight those days..

The next couple weeks....I would be carried by strength other than my own. Honestly...even a year later, I know it was not me that got myself through those days. Adalyn continued to teach me in those days about what courage was...  I still am at a loss to describe how it felt to send both my husband and my daughter into surgery a day apart. David, by a tender miracle, would make a full...and amazing recovery...(after losing almost 25 pounds of fluid)

Taken about a week after their surgeries. She loved naps with her Daddy!

Little did I know, even then...what would be in store for us as the months continued. Little could I be prepared for hardest good-bye we would ever have to say as the year came to an end.... 

I don't know if you've even made it this far in reading....I guess I needed to write all this down for myself... The thing is...those moments last May...and many after during last year....changed me. In every possible way. There are nights I still wake up in a panic..feeling like I need to see if my husband is okay... Nights when I replay memories over and over... Days when I feel okay...and then suddenly am over come with panic..

I share this because...yes, last May held dark days..but never had I felt such an outpouring of love. A love that would continue to carry us. From our nurses...who held me and cried....from incredible friends who showed up with baskets of food...hugs and comfort.....to our incredible family who never failed to show up...who always helped to carry our struggles.

Never did I realize that there would be people praying for me...for us...when I couldn't find the words to pray. Never could I have known that our absolutely perfect little girl would find a place in countless hearts....and help us to be filled with the courage to take one more step. 

No matter what the days held, our comfort was Adalyn. She loved sucking my finger much more than binkies!

There are still many things that scare me. Many things that I am re-learning about myself....and many breaks in my heart...

But one thing I know I can say in reflecting on last May....and many months follwing....is that I'm slowly learning what happens when a heart breaks. God doesn't leave us when those moments come. God stands beside us with each break. He weeps with us...and His love is one that never fails. We will have days....months...and maybe even years that break us... that seem to shatter every part of our heart... but God will never lose those pieces of our heart. He will build us into something even greater. His love will be the gold that fills each crack. Each break.

He knew how much we needed Adalyn. He knew her life wouldn't be easy....but He knew her love would be an incredible and life changing gift for everyone who had the chance to know her. Especially us. 

Last of all....in thinking of last May..I realize how precious and fragile this life is.. I truly realize the gift it is to have another day with my incredible husband....to have held our sweet little Adalyn for all her time here...to have spent nights awake with her...to simply have had time to give her baths...kiss her toes...sing her songs....go on walks... All of it.

Miracles still happen. Even if it isn't the miracle you expect...or think you want. 

So once more...here is to you, my darling Adalyn. What a life you have given us.....what love you pour into our lives. I miss you always....and see your beauty in so many things. You are and will ever be the greatest gift of our lives. 

In Honor.

It came. As much as I didn't want it to....as much as I was afraid for it to come.....

The month of May still came. 

David and I both have so many emotions that we're still learning to work through. There are so many things that changed last May. Everything I held dear in my world suddenly was dangling by a thread last May. There were many moments that broke me. So many moments that changed me...And moments where I felt so full of love and gratitude that we were given such a beautiful little angel....Moments I felt so grateful to have my husband for another day.

But I'm not going to write that post yet. Maybe next week.

(These two pictures make my heart smile...taken last May...when She had SO much tape. First picture...is her frustrated face at just finishing "cares" and getting touched by cold stethoscopes...the second is moments later...when she happily realized David was holding her.) 

Last weekend we made the drive up to Primary Children's. They were having a tribute to honor the children that passed away last year. 

I didn't think we could go. We have avoided the drive up the I-15 ever since losing Adalyn. We have avoided downtown Salt Lake. We have avoided many things.

I'll be honest here....the past weekend was incredibly hard. I had a hard time simply keeping myself together. All of my emotions felt so raw...vulnerable...and right on the surface.

We would stay with David's sweet sister Aimee each time Adalyn had doctor appointments in Salt Lake.... As we took our things down to their basement.....memories flooded my mind. My heart utterly longed for our Adalyn.  Yet...that night...as we went to bed....I realized I was so thankful to stay in a comforting place that we had stayed with Adalyn. To have sweet memories of her there.

The next day, we went to the tribute ceremony.

I don't have the words to describe my feelings. To describe how much my heart ached. To describe how easily I fell apart and the emotions that flooded my heart. I can't fully  describe how much we ached to see pictures of other sweet little angels... And know of the decisions and heart breaks their parents went through too..

Instead...I want to share bits and pieces of things that touched my heart...

First of all....Absence does NOT have the ability to take away love. 

Second....often times...when things become broken...people try to hide those very breaks. If a picture frame is broken on a corner...or a seam is coming out of a shirt...we each do what we can to hide those flaws. Japanese potters have a different philosophy. If a pot they are making breaks...they don't throw it away...or try to paint over the cracks...Instead, they fill the cracks with gold. Making the break visible for all to see. Visible.....yet valuable. The breaks in the bowl become an aspect of beauty. Creating something even better.

Third.... It is easy to wonder where God is in all of this. To wonder where He is in the middle of tragedy. One speaker began quoting another woman...who said she has come to realize...God is not the tragedy. God isn't the accident. God is love. He is the love in the person that showed up at our door with food. The love in the people who have cried with us. The love of the stranger who asked to see all of my pictures on my phone of Adalyn. He is in the love of the people who felt like sending us a tender card. His is the love that comforts, that carries....that brings hope in the midst of darkness. 

As the slide show of all the children popped up....I sobbed when I saw Adalyn's beautiful picture on the screen. I felt so honored to be her mom. So honored to have been given the chance to know first hand of pure and perfect love. So honored to be wearing a name tag that had her name on it... And still so desperate for time to pass quickly to hold our perfect angel in my arms once more. 

At the end of the ceremony....they released 100 live doves. It was beautiful. 

I realize each day that this is lifelong journey of heart ache. Yet I am slowly realizing it is also journey with the deepest of beauty, love and learning. Though, that doesn't mean it will be easy. I still feel like I'm doing my best just to tread water. This life is a gift. A beautiful gift. And if we keep our eyes open....if we look..... I like to think that we might just have the chance to be a part of something that is greater than ourselves.

So thank you, my darling Adalyn,....for helping me have the courage to walk through the doors of Primary Children's once more. I wanted to avoid it forever. You change lives each day sweet girl. Especially mine and Daddy's. You remind me of who I want to be. Some moments, I feel so desperate in my longing for you....and my heart feels lost. I wonder who I am...and if I am strong enough to face another day.  I was reminded over the weekend....that I will never be too lost. For I have your love as my brightest guide. You are loved Addie baby. You are remembered. You are always missed...

Uncle Hyram drew this picture on scratch board for my birthday. We love it so very much!

.

When they said this song at the tribute Adalyn, I swore the lyrics were written just for you... Here are parts of it...

"The wisdom in your eyes
The joy that was your smile
You felt like home, and I 
will remember."

"The song that was your voice
Gave a spirit of such peace.
You changed my world,
And I will remember."

"As the rivers will run to join the ocean
My love will keep rushing to you
Though the seasons may change....
Your memory remains"

"We remember.."

"Forever you will stay, 
Cause time can't take away
What we remember"


I miss you so deeply sweet girl. In every moment, of every day, you are the one dancing around in my mind...The one my heart is waiting to hold. Daddy and I celebrated our birthdays this past week. I couldn't help but think of our birthdays last year. In the midst of the hard days we faced.... I think that birthday will forever be my favorite...because I got to spend the whole day holding you.

Love you Addie Grace!

Last year on my birthday! 

A year ago today....Sure miss you sweet girl!

Celebrating You.

Happy Birthday Adalyn Grace!

It's getting late....but I had to write down a few things about your special day...and about today.

You had big plans for us upon coming into this world.

You were born at 6:24 am on a Saturday.... weighing 7lbs 8oz.... at 19.5 inches long.

I could go on about all of the emotions that were building up to your arrival...but maybe another time. I was in labor with you for over 15 hours. I think you knew how much we would need that perfect weekend with you before the we stepped into uncharted waters.

I will never forget the moment of hearing you cry right after you were born. To know you were alive brought me immediately to tears. When I first got to go back and see you....I was certain there had never been a more beautiful little girl. I was in absolute awe to see you.....I thought my heart would burst when I first felt you squeeze my finger....soon after I finally got to hold you in my arms. We had no idea of anything that was to come...All we could feel was pure happiness and love...and that was more than enough....it was perfect.

This is one of my favorite pictures of that day... Seeing the love just pour out of your Daddy as he looked at you melts my heart. So many emotions lie in his face . He loves you so much!

We wanted to celebrate you today my darling.... So we threw you a princess party! We had some dear friends and family help us celebrate. I sure hope you loved it. It was beautiful. It was good for my heart to set everything up. Daddy and I felt like it was time spent with you. My favorite part was singing happy birthday to you and releasing you balloons.

We've shed a lot of tears today....missing you so. We've also shed tears of gratitude. Tears of happiness. We've felt your comfort...and felt you near. Our heart has been so full of so many emotions today. Many people shared with us today the way you have touched their lives. It meant so much to us. Do you know how powerful your sweet spirit is? You continue to inspire so many with your light Addie baby.

As much as I wish with all my heart that we could still have you in our arms, I want you to know how grateful we are for your beautiful life.

So today, here are my wishes for you.

I wish for time to pass quickly.
I wish for you to run as far as your sweet legs can carry you.
I wish for you to see all of the beautiful, vibrant colors around you with both of your amazing eyes.
I wish for you to always feel safe and comforted.
I wish for you to know how special you truly are.
I wish for you to be filled with the greatest happiness.
I wish for you to how deeply you are loved, especially by Daddy and I.
I wish for your love to continue to carry us through each long day without you.

I am so grateful that I get to be your mommy Addie Grace. You have taught us so much this past year sweet girl.... Lessons we will spend a lifetime learning from. We are so proud of you.... And though our hearts ache for you...we are glad that you no longer have to struggle with such many pains anymore.

So happy birthday Adalyn! God gave us the best gift in the world when He sent you to us. In Daddy's words..."We try to be better because of you."

We love you my darling!


P.S.... I was sort of  terrible at taking pictures of your party. I will have find the others later. For now...here are a few pictures. Though...I'm certain you were there the whole time, you know exactly how beautiful everything was!

We made a stop at your grave!

We had so many balloons in the car...we could barely see Tyson!

Calling All Angels..

My dear, sweet Adalyn,

How have 5 months gone by since you slipped back into your home in heaven? I guess it is still hard for me to comprehend that we had to say good-bye. I think I still keep expecting that someday I'll wake up to find you still here.

I miss you so much my darling. My heart longs for you each and every moment. It can't comprehend your absence. I miss your softness. I miss your strength. I miss the comfort of knowing you were right in the next room. I miss watching you grow right before our eyes. I miss hearing your sweet sounds...your sighs and squeals. I miss your adorably hairy back. I miss watching Daddy sing you songs and tell you his vast collection of made up stories. Seeing him with you will forever be some of my favorite memories. He sure misses you too, my darling. You know...he still writes you little stories each night. I'm certain you love it.

These days...when I hear people tell us that we are strong....part of me cringes inside. I wonder if they would still think that if they could peer into my heart.... If they could see my thoughts... Or if they saw me at my weakest points each day.

Losing you has turned our world upside down. I don't think we quite know yet how to pick up those pieces, or even know where those pieces go anymore.

I can't believe that May is right around the corner.. There were so many moments last May when I thought I might loose both you and Daddy....But the month of May gave us you. It will be your first birthday.

I don't want your birthday to be one of those hard days. I want to celebrate you Addie baby. I want to celebrate the incredible girl you are... To celebrate the time we had with you. To celebrate the way you continue to be a guiding light in our lives. To celebrate the fact that you made me a Mommy.

We couldn't resist buying you a beautiful Easter dress. Daddy found this one. I think it is perfect!

So often...I wonder what our lives would look like if we hadn't lost you.... If you didn't have so many mountains to face... I imagine watching you run around a play...Dancing and twirling. I imagine your sweet laugh would light a whole room...

Your headstone was delivered this past month....it turned out perfect with the stained glass pieces of your hands and feet.

I've slowly been listening to music again. Mainly songs that we sang to you. I remember some nights...when we first brought you home....the nights when you were still sleeping in your bassinet...before your seizures got so bad. There were nights when you simply just wanted to be awake...and sang to. Daddy and I would alternate sleeping. There were times when one of us would sing to you for at least two hours straight! You soaked up each moment...no crying at all...just staring up into our eyes...fighting off sleep.....Until you slowly would drift off once more. I loved watching you drift off to sleep. I loved imagining the beautiful things that an angel like you would dream. 

I'm so grateful for those nights sweet girl.

I want you to know that as much as we struggle, we are still trying. I know there are some things that I need to let go. Some painful memories that I can't continue to let control me...I hope you will slowly help me to learn how to turn that fully over into hands more capable than my own.

Adalyn, sometimes I feel like the hope in our lives has been reduced to a mere ember that occasionally glows. I promise that I will try my hardest not to completely let that ember burn out. I think there is a reason for hope. It is light. It is good....It keeps darkness and despair at bay... It gives us a reason to face each day.

I know right now, our hope isn't burning at it's brightest. But I want you to know that you are the reason our hope hasn't burned out. You are the light that keeps us moving...and someday...you will be the wind that ignites our little ember once more.

Addie, I feel so proud to be your mommy. I feel so amazed that I am lucky enough to have an angel for a daughter. I feel so grateful that you chose Daddy and I. As hard as this road is to walk, this path gave us you....so I will never regret walking down it.

This is a drawing that Daddy's sweet friend Lynda did for us. We finally found the perfect frame.

I pray you are oh so very happy my darling. I pray that you get to run through fields of the brightest flowers... I can't wait to run through them with you someday.. I pray that in absolutely every moment, you are filled with such glowing love.

I heard a song this past week.....It has brought my to tears each time I have listened to it. In some ways, I think it was written for you...and for us.

Calling All Angels-Jessie Clark Funk

A quiet voice is calling my name.
I hear you laughing,
but the question remains:
Are you dancing or playing above? Momma's aching to give you her love.

There's a smile I can't wait to see.
A lullaby that you loved to sing.
Just to know I'll hold you again
is the gift I'll hold until then.

Calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
When I close my eyes
I feel you near, I feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.

I know the plan was having you here.
Sometimes what's best is so unclear.
But baby girl put your hand in mine
While I walk through, the fire that refines.

I'm calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
When I close my eyes,
I feel you near, I feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.

Father of us all,
You know the reason that's she's gone.
She's in my heart
but in your arms.

Calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
When I close my eyes,
I feel you near, feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.
My little Angel.

I found a letter I wrote to you last April 16th of last year.... Here are parts of it...

"Knowing of the struggles you may face has only increased our love for you! We believe in you so much. We know you were sent here for a purpose. You have already taught us so much about faith, courage, hope and moving forward in the face of the unknown. It has been one of the hardest trials to think we might not get to have you very long in this life. We want you to know how much we want to be your parents! The thought of becoming a mother is one of the most beautiful and humbling experiences I have had. There are so many things I hope to teach you! So much good in this world I want to show you. Most of all though, the greatest thing we hope to teach you is how special you are. You are so precious and so loved...""

I really hope you felt how special you are Adalyn...I hope you felt how much we wanted you....and how much we love you. We miss you, sweet girl, with our whole hearts...always. These days, before I fall asleep, I whisper to you once more how much I love you. 

I think you're always close enough to hear it. 

XOXO

Mommy

Storms.

We had left for Missouri at 3am. My little brother had an army graduation from a base there. My sister, my niece and I were going to watch it....and then bring him back home. We left early...so we could make it to Missouri by night. By 6 am....we were on the I-70 going through Glenwood Canyon....(the mountain pass before Denver).

It was still dark. Faint hints of light gray were beginning to show. There had been snow flurries on and off. The roads were icy.

We were driving in the right hand lane....when someone attempted to pass us. Instead...he hit clipped the back end of the car we were driving. Immediately we were sent spinning across the road.

We hit, head  on, the cement wall on the left side....only to continue spinning across the lanes again.

It is an eerie feeling to have everything happening in an instant....yet feel like time is playing in slow motion. A million thoughts instantly flooded my mind.

I remember shouting to God to protect us. I remember my sister's calm, strong voice saying "We're going to be okay!" Almost as if trying to convince both herself....and us. I remember my niece screaming. 

For a brief moment...I felt a birds eye view of myself.  Our vehicle was out of control. I could see the oncoming cars and semi-trucks as we spun. I knew they wouldn't have time to stop. It would only be a matter of seconds before they hit...

I thought there was no way this could really be happening... I wanted to scream to life that I was supposed to get a break. Not continue to be kicked. Part of me wondered if we would make it. I silently asked Adalyn that to please help me be as brave as her. To help me not be afraid of pain.

We slammed sideways into the guard rail on the right...and came to a hard...sudden halt. Plumes of smoke came out of the engine. My head was screaming...my leg hurt...but I was okay. I looked over to see the wide-eyed astonishment of my sister, I could hear the teary sniffles from my niece.

We were okay. The car was totaled....but somehow....we were okay. 

The car was pinned into the guard rail. Right behind the guard rail was a 50 ft. drop into the icy Colorado River.

My sister calmly called 911...and my niece and I held hands and prayed. Praying in gratitude that we were okay. Praying for continued protection. Praying to feel of our Angel Adalyn close by...comforting and protecting us too.

A crew soon came and directed traffic...and we were towed away. Somehow....only receiving mild concussions...pulled muscles...and bruises.  

People often tell us that the storm clouds will lift...that good things are to come...yet....So often I still feel like I'm standing in the rain. Drowning in the flood waters. Banging off of floating debris....trying to see any signs of a break in the clouds...

I still find myself afraid to hold to hope. Afraid that this will be a life of steep, hard climbs. And quite honestly....that thought scares every part of me. I don't know how much one heart can take... 

Yet....that day....I felt reminded of a couple things.

1.) Adalyn spent her little life fighting for it. Fighting each day. In the middle of all the struggles she faced....she managed lifted up those around her. To know her...was to know of pure, innocent, powerful love. She fought for each day because I think she knew better than us all...that the good in this life...the love we have...is worth fighting for. Fighting for the good in this life is a choice. A choice that I know many days....I'm not very good at making...But because of Adalyn...I know I want to be.

2.) No matter what this life brings....no matter the storms that rage...the pains we feel....because of the very Easter holiday we celebrate this Sunday...we do have hope. Hope to know that one day....the storms will cease. The rain will stop. And the sun will come. The pain....and death in this life....is not the end. Because and through Christ..everyone of us will be resurrected. My broken heart...will be healed as I once again get to hold our beautiful little girl...perfect and without pain. 

3.) Miracles are real. They happen every day. They happen even if our eyes are closed to noticing them. As much as it may feel at times, we have not been left alone. We have such love in our lives because of Adalyn. Because of our family and friends. On the darkest of our days...we have still felt rays of light.

I don't know how to do this. How to find all the good....purpose...and hope again without our sweet Adalyn.. I don't know how to fully hope for good things to come in this life without my own fears creeping in... I don't know how to face all of the "year marks" that are to come this year...

But I will continue to try.

I feel like the past year of our life....and even the accident we had last week....remind me constantly that life doesn't always turn out the way we plan...As of late...it seems to always be much harder. I don't have all the answers. I don't always understand the "whys".... I have to believe one day I will.. Even in the "unplanned" God is with us. He surrounds us with angels to protect and comfort us..even as everything seems to go wrong,

Though not as planned, Kaycee still got home! We're so proud of him!

For now....I have another day. ...Another day to be a wife. Another day to be a sister. Another day to be a friend.

Another day to be a mother to a perfect angel. 

To those who have continued to reach out to us.....you may never know how truly grateful we are for your comfort. For the messages, cards, phone calls and thoughtful gifts we have received. You carry us in so may ways.... From our family, friends...and even strangers, I am learning what it truly means to comfort those in need of comfort.

To you, Addie Grace, I know you're never far. In the moments I am scared....I try to imagine your face...Smiling, laughing, singing. I imagine you being the one to comfort me.. Guiding me to become something better then I can see in myself now. I feel so lost without you....My arms feel so empty. I still sleep with a pair of your jammies each night....as if in some way holding them will make me feel I am holding you. I still buy the same lavender lotion and soap we used for you. I probably will the rest of my life. When I use it...I remember the way your soft hair smelled. And the smell your face.. A mix of lavender...and milky formula. I have no doubt you were with me the day of our accident...I feel lucky to know first hand who my strong guardian angel is! You still teach me so much each and every day. I love you, my darling, more than my words could ever convey. You're perfect, in every way sweet girl.....I am grateful always for the bright light of your life. 

I am so excited to share this picture with you! A dear friend of ours painted this canvas of Adalyn for us. It is absolutely captivating! It feels so real. To see those beautiful blue eyes means the world to us! This painting conveys so much of her beautiful, strong and loving spirit. 

Beca is an amazing artist...to check out more of her work...click here

Learning to Stand

Several nights ago, I was standing in the kitchen. As I stood by the counter, my mind flashed back to all of the times I stood in that very same spot....during that same late hour....getting Adalyn's food all ready. I would stand on my toes to peer over the couch as I was making it....so I could watch her sweet face and see the monitor..

It all felt so real....that I found myself standing on my toes...peering over the couch expecting to see her sweet face. Expecting to realize that I was just having an awful day dream....

But she wasn't there.

It felt like another cold reality slam in the face. My legs buckled....and I sat sobbing on the floor.

On Monday....I finally took her car seat out of the car and brought it back inside. I just haven't had the heart to do it...but our car decided to take a vacation from working...and I didn't want it left in there. I wish I would have known the last time I buckled her into it....that it would be the last time.  I would have ingrained every moment of it into my mind.

I take so long between posts these days because I don't know always know how to convey how I feel. I just don't want to do this. I don't want to face each day without our beautiful little girl.

March 2nd she would have been 10 months old.

March 13 will mark 4 months of her being gone. I hate when the 13th of every month comes around...The reminder of another month passing away.

Each day, I wish things were different. I wish that we had been able to celebrate that 10 months with her.

I just miss being a mom.

I feel like my sense of purpose was ripped away like a stuck on band-aid...and I'm left feeling disorientated trying to re-gain my sense of vision. I have been feeling defeated as of late. I feel like just laying down and saying "Okay life, you win!" 

I finished my first "Adalyn Journal" David and I both write to her each night

However...through it all...I'm slowly learning things about sorrow. I think there is something incredibly important about sorrow. There is importance is tears. There is importance in grief...

I think one of the most beautiful scriptures to read is John 11:35 "Jesus wept." 

He wept because His friend had died. He wept, knowing that in a matter of minutes...He would raise His friend from the dead and all would be well.

I think He wept because...in that moment...everything wasn't okay...His heart broke over His friend passing...and His heart broke for the family of His friend.

There are so many times that it is written of Christ that he wept....and that He was full of sorrow.

When Chirst visited the Nephites.. "And when he had said these words, He wept, and the multitude bare record of it.." 3 Nephi 17:21

"My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even unto death." Matthew 26:38

"And it came to pass that the God of Heaven looked upon the residue of the people...and He wept." Moses 7:28

Christ himself was described as "A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.." Isaiah 53:3

There are times in our lives when we are not "okay." When our hearts feel broken. When we don't feel like facing a whole new day because it hurts too much. That level of sorrow...the depth of that type of heart break....changes you. And the process of that change, in itself is hard....and hurts....and is quite frankly rather sucky. That change may be beautiful in time....but I think that in the in-between...It's okay to struggle. It's okay to cry. It's okay, to not be okay.

We had a picnic for Valentine's Day...and brought her along!

Because it is in the depths of those sorrows that we change. I see so many changes in myself.. I see everything so differently... I think differently.... I am learning that I shouldn't be ashamed of my own sorrow or grief. It is a process. It is unique to every person. It is sacred. It is hard.

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalms 30:5

"And weeping they shall go, and seek their God," Jeremiah 50:4

"Turn ye even to me with all your heart, and with fasting and weeping and mourning...and turn to the Lord your God, For he is gracious and merciful." Joel 2:12-13

"Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh." Luke 6:21

There will come a day when I am stronger. When I don't feel like only a thread is holding me together. Maybe there will come a day when I don't feel like I have to be on auto pilot to get through the day. Maybe there will come a night when I can actually sleep...instead of replaying nightmares. There will come a day when I don't feel frustrated...or angry...or scared...or depressed.

There will come a day when my legs don't feel like a bowl of jello. When I will learn to stand again...

For now, we are just taking things a day at a time. A huge tender mercy as of late is that David got a job! He is now working at the Neuro Rehab Unit at the hospital. At first...I was secretly praying that he wouldn't get that specific job. It is at the hospital where Adalyn first coded...and where we were subsequently life flighted... However....it has been a good thing. He works with some amazing people. And....as David has helped me to learn.... We can't let dark memories take over the good. 

We loved the Valentine's cards we received for Adalyn from our family. Our sweet neighbors and their adorable little boys made a card and took it to her grave. It was the sweetest Valentine gift for us to receive!

I read an article about grief last week. And because I can't seem to find the article again...you get to read my summed up version of it.

This article compared grief to a large grand piano. There is a director...getting ready to put on a play. His actors have all their lines memorized. The set is completed....when suddenly a large grand piano is placed smack in the center of the stage. It cannot be removed. The actors try to go about performing this play, but everyone keeps bumping into the piano. This play wasn't scripted for a piano. It is awkward...and throws everything off balance.

In time, the director begins to learn more about the piano. He learns how to incorporate it into every scene. Most importantly....he learns how to play the piano. Instead of ruining his play, the piano plays a central role. Bringing tones of beauty, hope and light.

Right now, I still feel like I'm tripping and bumping into the piano....This isn't the play I wanted.

But maybe someday.... Someday I'll learn to play the piano. 

And I'll weave Adalyn into every note I play.

I miss you Adalyn. I miss you so much sweet girl. My heart is aching for you in every moment. Many nights I replay your videos over and over...especially the one where you sneeze...and get so surprised. I love it..it makes me smile each time. I'm trying really hard find myself again in all of this. I want to always be the mom you deserve. I pray for you always. I pray that you will be filled with love in each moment. I pray that your bright light will spread to all who know you. I pray that you are so very happy. I know you're never far from me my darling.....but my....how I long to physically hold you! I long to blow little raspberries on your sweet belly...to feel your hand in mine. I hope when I kiss your pictures....you feel a warm spot on your cheek. I'm so proud of you Addie baby....I hope I can be as brave as you are someday. I love you, sweet girl, always and completely.

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain" Revelation 21:4