The Length of a Year

As I sit here and think about the past year....it all feels unreal. So much of me is still waiting for a person to pop out and shout just kidding! You were just having a bad dream! Then I will wake up....and still find myself in January of this year. Pregnant with a healthy little girl. We would welcome her into the world, wrapped all snug in our arms. David would graduate. We would move...he would begin working...and we would have our little family.

**I haven't yet shared these pictures. Our sweet and amazing family friend Ora took them the night before Adalyn passed...I want to share a few of them. We knew our time left with our sweet girl was running out. At the time...it seemed crazy to be taking pictures. Looking at them now...there are still so many emotions. I have no doubt angels were present the entire time...talking to and holding her. 

Yet....in 365 days our world has so drastically changed.

There are so many aspects of this year that come alive to haunt me in my dreams. The ultrasound we had as the doctor told me that there were many things completely wrong with our baby. Meetings with more doctors in preparing for her delivery....as they prepared us for the worst. The first meeting we had with her doctors after she was born....going in thinking it would be such a positive meeting..only to be told that there were hardly any aspects of Adalyn's brain that had formed correctly. Haunting dreams of the 38 nights spent leaving the hospital with empty arms. Reliving David going into heart failure.....watching both he and Adalyn prepare for surgery....seeing myself countless times sobbing on the floor of a hospital bathroom...scared I was going to loose both of them. Watching Adalyn seize over and over. Yet the most haunting is reliving moments of the last week and a half. Watching as the doctors failed intubation multiple times....and her breathing stop...and the monitors drop. Of bringing her home...knowing that there was nothing left we could do. Of watching her take her last breath. Knowing that I would never hold our baby alive again in this life.

2015 held many dark days. Days when it took all the strength I had to muster pray the words..."Please help us"

There are no words to describe how haunting each of those memories can be. Of the fears that are written on my heart.

But as 2015 comes to a close.....I find myself not wanting it to end. This year was heart-breaking in every possible way.....yet...I'm not ready to say good-bye to it. This year gave us Adalyn.

This year we experienced the deepest kind of love. We spent days and nights singing lullabies. We had snuggles.....we had poopy diapers. We had laughs. We had perfect toes and fingers to count. We had the cutest chubby cheeks and thighs to kiss. We had walks in the park.....and days spent laying on blankets....showing Adalyn the beauty in a little leaf....in the sun...in the sky. We were strong....the three of us. We were given a miracle. We were given time. We were taught by a beautiful little angel about what is most important in this life. She made me a mom...and taught be what a beautiful thing that is. She showed us courage......bravery....and unhinged love. She showed us strength. She gave us hope. And because of her....we have received such an outpouring of love into our lives.

I don't want 2016 to come. I don't to spend an entire year without here here in our arms. I don't want time to continue to pass. It is something that I have been wrestling with every day.

I felt the same way about Christmas, I didn't want it to come......and somehow it still came. The beginning of our Christmas morning was beautiful....we had Adalyn's stocking filled with such sweet notes and poems. We felt of her love so strongly. It was a hard day....and a solemn kind of Christmas...but it was filled with beautiful and tender moments.

I am scared of facing life without her here. In every way I long for her. So often I hear of the saying that after the storm....the clouds break and the sun begins to shine. But so often....I still feel like we are standing in the middle of the storm.....drowning in the rain. 

Somehow I have to find a way to stay afloat.....and as much as I don't want to some days....We have to find a way to live for her. To be better because of her. To always remember what she taught us and continues to teach us with her beautiful and strong spirit. As a very kind woman recently said....David and I are now "caretakers of Adalyn's legacy." I love that so much. And if sharing with the world the hope, love and courage she brought into our lives is how we can best care for her now......that is exactly what I will spend a lifetime doing.

I will share with the world that miracles happen. That strength comes in all sizes. That experiencing the love of a child is greater than any other achievement...degree...or honor in the world. That very type of love is pure and powerful.

I love you so much Addie baby. I miss you more and more each day. I don't know how to do this. How to live without you here. But I will try. I look for you in everything....for the whispers of your love.. The following is the book we got you for Christmas!

"I wanted you more than you will ever know, so I sent love to follow wherever you go..

It's as high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf. You'll never outgrow it....it stretches itself!  So climb any mountain...climb up to the sky! My love will find you....my love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb! My love will find you. My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends....if you're working...

Or playing...Or sitting with friends.

You can dance til you're dizzy...paint til you're blue...

There's no place, not one, that my love can't find you. 

And if someday, you're lonely, or someday your sad, or you strike out at baseball, or think you've been bad....

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair. That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there. 

In the green of the grass....in the smell of the sea....in the clouds floating by...at the top of a tree...in the sound crickets make at the end of the day....

You are loved. You are loved. You are loved, they all say. 

My love is so high, and so wide and so deep, it's always right there, even when you're asleep. 

So hold your head high and don't be afraid to march to the front of your own parade. If you're still my small babe or all the way grown, my promise to you is you're never alone. 

You're my angel, my darling, my star....and my love will find you, wherever you are."

Nancy Tillman "Wherever you are, my love will find you"

It's true sweet girl... We love you more then words could ever pen. I pray each day you always know we do. That our love will hold you....carry you...and continue to life you. I pray your love for us will do the very same thing. Stay extra close!

A Different Christmas

How does time pass when I feel it should be frozen? How do days and weeks somehow still come when my heart feels like it has stopped?

My heart is utterly broken. It is like functioning with a giant black hole sitting next to me. Some moments, I just want to fall into that hole. To let it consume me......and get completely lost in it so I don't have to keep feeling. So often, I feel like just a shell of myself. I can complete tasks.....go through the day....run errands....but no matter what I am doing....I feel the emptiness pulling on my heart. 

I lay on the closet floor most nights.....staring up at Adalyn's clothes hanging and simply sob. I miss her. I miss absolutely everything. Some moments....I feel cheated. Cheated out of having a healthy pregnancy.....out of the excitement of preparing for her to arrive. Cheated of the moment of being the first to hold her. Cheated of getting to take her home soon after birth. Cheated out of spending this life watching her grow and develop. 

There are a lot a photos that I haven't shared yet of Adalyn...So I wanted to put some sweet ones up!

At times....I am easily irritated with myself...over little things...that spill into big things. Being flustered over misplacing something turns into frustration that I couldn't have done more. That we couldn't keep Adalyn alive....that maybe somehow I failed in some way. 

I long for Adalyn in a way that I never knew was possible. Each day I wake up....I have this sense of anticipation. Like I am waiting for a package to arrive in the mail. I wait and wait....constantly looking for that package. At the end of the day, I feel so defeated. I've realized recently it is Adalyn I am looking for....waiting to arrive. My whole soul and body feel like she should still be here....and so every day....it has the hope that she will somehow come back. 

Recently....David and I passed a stranger with a few kids running around. This stranger looked happy...but tired in some ways....and said.."Enjoy being alone while you can....after you have kids...everything gets much harder and not as fun...you have to wait til they grow."

Wham. 

I know that was likely said just out of exhaustion....but that comment has been on my mind ever since. Replaying over and over. I think so often there is something people tend to forget. 

Every part of our souls yearn to have a family for a reason. Because somehow we all know that having a child....and becoming a family is the greatest miracle to ever experience here on this earth. It is better than any weekend get away....movie.....or game can ever compare. It is beautiful and life changing. I'm not saying it isn't hard.....because David and I definitely know about hard.....but you know what? We would even trade to relive some of our hardest days with Adalyn if it meant holding her for a little longer. To have a little more time. 

Maybe we all get a little blindsided in some moments that we wish away the very thing we wanted so badly to have. I wish I could have told that stranger...that as hard as the days may be....there is nothing better. Boogery noses, temper tantrums.....long days....we wanted all of it. 

Those very things hit home for us this Christmas. If anyone knows me.....they know how much I love Christmas. The songs....the lights....the warmth....the smells....the magic of Santa. This Christmas season has been harder then words could convey. It has been different in every sense. Yet there have been some of the sweetest tender mercies.....such over-powering feelings of love. 

We have received such thoughtful cards....gifts...messages....dinners...phone calls... I have never in my life expected to be on the receiving end of such acts of love. Before Adalyn....when I would think of sending a message....bringing a dinner....or even writing a card...I felt like I was probably being somewhat of a burden to the person I was giving to. 

Being on the opposite side has showed me a new perspective on many things. Absolutely everything we have received has impacted us. In so many ways people have been our physical angels. Some how....on especially hard days....A card will show up in the mail. We will receive a message.... Or some one stops by with dinner or cookies. 

How could they ever know in those moments....how much they were needed?

Most of all....this time of year I have realized what the significance of Christmas really means in my life. I have felt such a closeness to our sweet Adalyn in so many ways. I have felt her love.....her happiness touch my heart. She continues to be such a pure....guiding light for David and I..... giving us perspective on every aspect of life. 

Oh how I miss those chubby little fingers! 

Because of a little child....born in the humblest of circumstances.....We will have our baby forever. Death will not win. As broken as I feel......as raw as our pain is..... I know there will come a day when we once more have her in our arms. When there will be no more good-byes. 

On the days when I feel that happiness in this life is gone.....when I feel angry at God.....when I feel the immense fear of loosing all I hold close..... 

I have to trust in the love I have for Adalyn. In the love she gave us. And in the birth of another...Who came into this world to become our Savior in every way. To, one day, make right every wrong we feel. 

I don't know all things. I, at times, feel like I am standing on legs made of jell-o that hasn't quite set up right.....

But I know what Adalyn brought into our lives was real....and pure....and powerful. 

She gave...and continues to give us the most precious gift that we will ever receive. 

Thank you to all who have been our angels at this time. For all you have done. We are not always the best at responding....or thanking enough. But thank you for letting us continue to share Adalyn. For letting us laugh...and cry. For this Christmas.....we hope that Adalyn's life and love will find it's way into your hearts.  For each of you to cherish the moments you have and hold to them.

Merry Chirstmas Adalyn Grace! We're so glad we sang you so many Christmas songs....I'm certain you're singing them all the time. I hope you are enjoying the lights as much as I do....though...they aren't nearly as bright as you are!  I miss you. I miss kissing your sweet cheeks...and blowing on your belly. I miss feeling the weight of you sleeping in my arms. I miss our nights together. We love you completely Addie baby. We know you are close.....and cannot wait to see you again! 

We took Adalyn to see Santa. It was definitely a tender experience...and the ladies were so kind. We have decided we don't want to miss out on her "firsts.." So pictures like this may pop up now and again. 

Grief.

It has been 3 weeks...

23 days since our sweet girl went back home. It feels like it has been much longer.

This past week, she would have turned 7 months.

In the mornings, I often don't want to get out of bed. I want to hide under my covers.....and not face another day without Adalyn. At night.... My mind is flooded with countless memories. With fears. With internal battles. I have nightmares frequently. Nightmares where I loose all that I hold most dear over and over.

Some moments, I feel like I just want to let myself fall into the dark hole of grief. To let it consume me completely. I am scared of so many things. There are so many things that scare me to relive. Many things that I still struggle and have a form of anxiety over. I miss our sweet baby. I miss her in every second. She is my missing piece. A part of me that I cannot stop longing for.

My heart feels like it has been crushed into tiny pieces, When I think of all that Adalyn had to suffer through, I feel sick. I can't breathe. Every part of me wishes I could have taken it from her. Sometimes, I am angry with myself that I couldn't. At times I feel like I somehow failed her. It is still too surreal to be able to wrap my mind around the problems she faced and endured. Babies are supposed to be born healthy and happy. They shouldn't have to know about pain or suffering. They are supposed to grow in their perfect, sweet innocence.

We should be singing her Christmas songs as we put her to sleep in a crib. Not at her grave. We should be picking out gifts for her first Christmas. Not her headstone.

The hot stream of my tears welling up has become an all too familiar feeling. 

This only skims the surface of our emotions as of late. But I share this because in grieving for Adalyn, I am learning some things.

This life can be painful. It can hurt in so many different ways. Our hearts go through so many trials.We often are faced with our deepest fears. This is something I am still trying to understand. There is so much suffering in this world...in each life...

I am learning what empathy means. I have been humbled and brought to tears by the love that has been poured into our lives. Even on the darkest of our days.....that love has been a ray of light for us. We cannot adequately articulate how grateful we are for the people who have reached out to us. To strangers, friends, family, neighbors, our church.... So many have simply cried with us. Because sometimes, there just are not words. I understand what it means to "mourn with those who mourn" through these people. I hear stories of what others have faced and my heart fills with compassion for them.....the broken pieces of my own heart ache for what they too have to face.

We made and decorated a tree for her grave. It turned out perfect!

I am learning the importance of reaching out. I look back on my life, on the times I have seen or heard of people facing trials. Many times, I didn't reach out....or withheld from saying anything.....assuming that my words...or my comfort might just be a burden....or that they were probably busy. Now, I see how silly that was. Each message, card, text, phone call.....it has meant so much to us. It has helped to give us hope...and comfort. The words from even strangers have been a light to us. The comfort that comes from knowing another person has prayed for us.....hoped for us....or been touched by Adalyn has continued to get us through each day.

I am learning that tears speak volumes. An amazing woman gave us a book with this quote:
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, or deep contrition and of unspeakable love." -Washington Irving

I am learning that the word grief is a small word to cover thousands of different emotions. There are layers and levels of grief. It bears saddness, dark days, unimaginable hurt, fear, denial, frustration, and helplessness. But it is somehow intertwined with happiness. comfort, hope and love.

I have learned that without my husband, I could not face any of this. He amazes me every day. I am forever grateful that I got to see him be a dad. To see his love for Adalyn is one of my greatest treasures. In seeing him break down, in tears and heart break.....I see only strength.

I wonder every day how we can do this. I question myself. I can go from being okay one moment, to a flood of tears the next.

Yet somehow....a new day continues to come.

We have been able to keep busy with a handful of different projects. Some things we have in the works to keep Adalyn's memory alive....and to share the miracle that she continues to be for us. Some things we are working on we will share. And some will be kept a secret....as we do things for others in attempts to share what Adalyn has given in our lives.

I don't know the answers to all things. I feel like I don't know much anymore these days. As much as I ache to, I cannot answer the "why" for the reason we had to say good-bye to our sweet girl.

All I know is that God loves us...with a love that we don't always comprehend. He weeps with us. He will send us tender mercies even in our darkest hours. During our hardest nights, we have felt the closeness of Adalyn. His love will always find us.

He loves me. Imperfect and broken me. 

This life is truly a beautiful gift. But that does not mean we won't face the hard. 

There will come a day when no more good-byes are said. When we will have eternity with our Adalyn Grace.

I believe that with my whole heart.

I know it. Because without that knowledge, we couldn't get through this. Despair and hopelessness would win. But we have felt to our very core the depth of love. It is real. Something that pure, that powerful.....there is no way it has an ending. It is infinite. 

My sister-in-law Heather, sent me this talk. I want to share just a portion of it...it was something I needed so much to hear:

"Please do not despair when fervent prayers have been offered and priesthood blessings performed and your loved one makes no improvement or even passes from mortality. Take comfort in the knowledge that you did everything you could. Such faith, fasting, and blessing could not be in vain! That your child did not recover in spite of all that was done in her behalf can and should be the basis for peace and reassurance to all who love her! The Lord—who inspires the blessings and who hears every earnest prayer—called her home nonetheless. All the experiences of prayer, fasting, and faith may well have been more for our benefit than for her." Lance B. Wickman. (Read the full thing here)

As someone close once said to us, "We won't just survive, we will thrive." Right now, we feel like we are just surviving. But we have to trust...that somehow....as scared as I may be....good days will come.

I wish there was a better way to individually thank so many of you who have reached out to us. To let you know what it has meant to us. Thank you for letting us share our story. For opening your hearts to a beautiful, incredible little girl. For letting us talk about Adalyn.  We will talk about her for the rest of our lives, she is a part of our lives....and we are forever grateful for the memories that we have with her.

Here is to you Addie baby. I am so proud of you, every day. I am amazed at the person you are. I am amazed at the love you brought us. I miss you deeply....but I am in awe of the miracle you are. Each day, I try to be as brave as you.

I absolutely love this video!

This is how I see you Adalyn, happy, full of love, and beautiful