March 23, 2016

Storms.

We had left for Missouri at 3am. My little brother had an army graduation from a base there. My sister, my niece and I were going to watch it....and then bring him back home. We left early...so we could make it to Missouri by night. By 6 am....we were on the I-70 going through Glenwood Canyon....(the mountain pass before Denver).

It was still dark. Faint hints of light gray were beginning to show. There had been snow flurries on and off. The roads were icy.

We were driving in the right hand lane....when someone attempted to pass us. Instead...he hit clipped the back end of the car we were driving. Immediately we were sent spinning across the road.

We hit, head  on, the cement wall on the left side....only to continue spinning across the lanes again.

It is an eerie feeling to have everything happening in an instant....yet feel like time is playing in slow motion. A million thoughts instantly flooded my mind.

I remember shouting to God to protect us. I remember my sister's calm, strong voice saying "We're going to be okay!" Almost as if trying to convince both herself....and us. I remember my niece screaming. 

For a brief moment...I felt a birds eye view of myself.  Our vehicle was out of control. I could see the oncoming cars and semi-trucks as we spun. I knew they wouldn't have time to stop. It would only be a matter of seconds before they hit...

I thought there was no way this could really be happening... I wanted to scream to life that I was supposed to get a break. Not continue to be kicked. Part of me wondered if we would make it. I silently asked Adalyn that to please help me be as brave as her. To help me not be afraid of pain.

We slammed sideways into the guard rail on the right...and came to a hard...sudden halt. Plumes of smoke came out of the engine. My head was screaming...my leg hurt...but I was okay. I looked over to see the wide-eyed astonishment of my sister, I could hear the teary sniffles from my niece.

We were okay. The car was totaled....but somehow....we were okay. 

The car was pinned into the guard rail. Right behind the guard rail was a 50 ft. drop into the icy Colorado River.

My sister calmly called 911...and my niece and I held hands and prayed. Praying in gratitude that we were okay. Praying for continued protection. Praying to feel of our Angel Adalyn close by...comforting and protecting us too.

A crew soon came and directed traffic...and we were towed away. Somehow....only receiving mild concussions...pulled muscles...and bruises.  

People often tell us that the storm clouds will lift...that good things are to come...yet....So often I still feel like I'm standing in the rain. Drowning in the flood waters. Banging off of floating debris....trying to see any signs of a break in the clouds...

I still find myself afraid to hold to hope. Afraid that this will be a life of steep, hard climbs. And quite honestly....that thought scares every part of me. I don't know how much one heart can take... 

Yet....that day....I felt reminded of a couple things.

1.) Adalyn spent her little life fighting for it. Fighting each day. In the middle of all the struggles she faced....she managed lifted up those around her. To know her...was to know of pure, innocent, powerful love. She fought for each day because I think she knew better than us all...that the good in this life...the love we have...is worth fighting for. Fighting for the good in this life is a choice. A choice that I know many days....I'm not very good at making...But because of Adalyn...I know I want to be.

2.) No matter what this life brings....no matter the storms that rage...the pains we feel....because of the very Easter holiday we celebrate this Sunday...we do have hope. Hope to know that one day....the storms will cease. The rain will stop. And the sun will come. The pain....and death in this life....is not the end. Because and through Christ..everyone of us will be resurrected. My broken heart...will be healed as I once again get to hold our beautiful little girl...perfect and without pain. 

3.) Miracles are real. They happen every day. They happen even if our eyes are closed to noticing them. As much as it may feel at times, we have not been left alone. We have such love in our lives because of Adalyn. Because of our family and friends. On the darkest of our days...we have still felt rays of light.

I don't know how to do this. How to find all the good....purpose...and hope again without our sweet Adalyn.. I don't know how to fully hope for good things to come in this life without my own fears creeping in... I don't know how to face all of the "year marks" that are to come this year...

But I will continue to try.

I feel like the past year of our life....and even the accident we had last week....remind me constantly that life doesn't always turn out the way we plan...As of late...it seems to always be much harder. I don't have all the answers. I don't always understand the "whys".... I have to believe one day I will.. Even in the "unplanned" God is with us. He surrounds us with angels to protect and comfort us..even as everything seems to go wrong,


Though not as planned, Kaycee still got home! We're so proud of him!


For now....I have another day. ...Another day to be a wife. Another day to be a sister. Another day to be a friend.

Another day to be a mother to a perfect angel. 

To those who have continued to reach out to us.....you may never know how truly grateful we are for your comfort. For the messages, cards, phone calls and thoughtful gifts we have received. You carry us in so may ways.... From our family, friends...and even strangers, I am learning what it truly means to comfort those in need of comfort.

To you, Addie Grace, I know you're never far. In the moments I am scared....I try to imagine your face...Smiling, laughing, singing. I imagine you being the one to comfort me.. Guiding me to become something better then I can see in myself now. I feel so lost without you....My arms feel so empty. I still sleep with a pair of your jammies each night....as if in some way holding them will make me feel I am holding you. I still buy the same lavender lotion and soap we used for you. I probably will the rest of my life. When I use it...I remember the way your soft hair smelled. And the smell your face.. A mix of lavender...and milky formula. I have no doubt you were with me the day of our accident...I feel lucky to know first hand who my strong guardian angel is! You still teach me so much each and every day. I love you, my darling, more than my words could ever convey. You're perfect, in every way sweet girl.....I am grateful always for the bright light of your life. 
I am so excited to share this picture with you! A dear friend of ours painted this canvas of Adalyn for us. It is absolutely captivating! It feels so real. To see those beautiful blue eyes means the world to us! This painting conveys so much of her beautiful, strong and loving spirit. 

Beca is an amazing artist...to check out more of her work...click here

March 10, 2016

Learning to Stand

Several nights ago, I was standing in the kitchen. As I stood by the counter, my mind flashed back to all of the times I stood in that very same spot....during that same late hour....getting Adalyn's food all ready. I would stand on my toes to peer over the couch as I was making it....so I could watch her sweet face and see the monitor..

It all felt so real....that I found myself standing on my toes...peering over the couch expecting to see her sweet face. Expecting to realize that I was just having an awful day dream....

But she wasn't there.

It felt like another cold reality slam in the face. My legs buckled....and I sat sobbing on the floor.

On Monday....I finally took her car seat out of the car and brought it back inside. I just haven't had the heart to do it...but our car decided to take a vacation from working...and I didn't want it left in there. I wish I would have known the last time I buckled her into it....that it would be the last time.  I would have ingrained every moment of it into my mind.


I take so long between posts these days because I don't know always know how to convey how I feel. I just don't want to do this. I don't want to face each day without our beautiful little girl.

March 2nd she would have been 10 months old.

March 13 will mark 4 months of her being gone. I hate when the 13th of every month comes around...The reminder of another month passing away.

Each day, I wish things were different. I wish that we had been able to celebrate that 10 months with her.

I just miss being a mom.


I feel like my sense of purpose was ripped away like a stuck on band-aid...and I'm left feeling disorientated trying to re-gain my sense of vision. I have been feeling defeated as of late. I feel like just laying down and saying "Okay life, you win!


I finished my first "Adalyn Journal" David and I both write to her each night

However...through it all...I'm slowly learning things about sorrow. I think there is something incredibly important about sorrow. There is importance is tears. There is importance in grief...

I think one of the most beautiful scriptures to read is John 11:35 "Jesus wept." 

He wept because His friend had died. He wept, knowing that in a matter of minutes...He would raise His friend from the dead and all would be well.

I think He wept because...in that moment...everything wasn't okay...His heart broke over His friend passing...and His heart broke for the family of His friend.

There are so many times that it is written of Christ that he wept....and that He was full of sorrow.

When Chirst visited the Nephites.. "And when he had said these words, He wept, and the multitude bare record of it.." 3 Nephi 17:21

"My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even unto death." Matthew 26:38

"And it came to pass that the God of Heaven looked upon the residue of the people...and He wept." Moses 7:28

Christ himself was described as "A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.." Isaiah 53:3

There are times in our lives when we are not "okay." When our hearts feel broken. When we don't feel like facing a whole new day because it hurts too much. That level of sorrow...the depth of that type of heart break....changes you. And the process of that change, in itself is hard....and hurts....and is quite frankly rather sucky. That change may be beautiful in time....but I think that in the in-between...It's okay to struggle. It's okay to cry. It's okay, to not be okay.
We had a picnic for Valentine's Day...and brought her along!

Because it is in the depths of those sorrows that we change. I see so many changes in myself.. I see everything so differently... I think differently.... I am learning that I shouldn't be ashamed of my own sorrow or grief. It is a process. It is unique to every person. It is sacred. It is hard.

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalms 30:5

"And weeping they shall go, and seek their God," Jeremiah 50:4

"Turn ye even to me with all your heart, and with fasting and weeping and mourning...and turn to the Lord your God, For he is gracious and merciful." Joel 2:12-13

"Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh." Luke 6:21

There will come a day when I am stronger. When I don't feel like only a thread is holding me together. Maybe there will come a day when I don't feel like I have to be on auto pilot to get through the day. Maybe there will come a night when I can actually sleep...instead of replaying nightmares. There will come a day when I don't feel frustrated...or angry...or scared...or depressed.

There will come a day when my legs don't feel like a bowl of jello. When I will learn to stand again...



For now, we are just taking things a day at a time. A huge tender mercy as of late is that David got a job! He is now working at the Neuro Rehab Unit at the hospital. At first...I was secretly praying that he wouldn't get that specific job. It is at the hospital where Adalyn first coded...and where we were subsequently life flighted... However....it has been a good thing. He works with some amazing people. And....as David has helped me to learn.... We can't let dark memories take over the good. 

We loved the Valentine's cards we received for Adalyn from our family. Our sweet neighbors and their adorable little boys made a card and took it to her grave. It was the sweetest Valentine gift for us to receive!

I read an article about grief last week. And because I can't seem to find the article again...you get to read my summed up version of it.

This article compared grief to a large grand piano. There is a director...getting ready to put on a play. His actors have all their lines memorized. The set is completed....when suddenly a large grand piano is placed smack in the center of the stage. It cannot be removed. The actors try to go about performing this play, but everyone keeps bumping into the piano. This play wasn't scripted for a piano. It is awkward...and throws everything off balance.

In time, the director begins to learn more about the piano. He learns how to incorporate it into every scene. Most importantly....he learns how to play the piano. Instead of ruining his play, the piano plays a central role. Bringing tones of beauty, hope and light.

Right now, I still feel like I'm tripping and bumping into the piano....This isn't the play I wanted.

But maybe someday.... Someday I'll learn to play the piano. 

And I'll weave Adalyn into every note I play.



I miss you Adalyn. I miss you so much sweet girl. My heart is aching for you in every moment. Many nights I replay your videos over and over...especially the one where you sneeze...and get so surprised. I love it..it makes me smile each time. I'm trying really hard find myself again in all of this. I want to always be the mom you deserve. I pray for you always. I pray that you will be filled with love in each moment. I pray that your bright light will spread to all who know you. I pray that you are so very happy. I know you're never far from me my darling.....but my....how I long to physically hold you! I long to blow little raspberries on your sweet belly...to feel your hand in mine. I hope when I kiss your pictures....you feel a warm spot on your cheek. I'm so proud of you Addie baby....I hope I can be as brave as you are someday. I love you, sweet girl, always and completely.




"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain" Revelation 21:4