Storms.

We had left for Missouri at 3am. My little brother had an army graduation from a base there. My sister, my niece and I were going to watch it....and then bring him back home. We left early...so we could make it to Missouri by night. By 6 am....we were on the I-70 going through Glenwood Canyon....(the mountain pass before Denver).

It was still dark. Faint hints of light gray were beginning to show. There had been snow flurries on and off. The roads were icy.

We were driving in the right hand lane....when someone attempted to pass us. Instead...he hit clipped the back end of the car we were driving. Immediately we were sent spinning across the road.

We hit, head  on, the cement wall on the left side....only to continue spinning across the lanes again.

It is an eerie feeling to have everything happening in an instant....yet feel like time is playing in slow motion. A million thoughts instantly flooded my mind.

I remember shouting to God to protect us. I remember my sister's calm, strong voice saying "We're going to be okay!" Almost as if trying to convince both herself....and us. I remember my niece screaming. 

For a brief moment...I felt a birds eye view of myself.  Our vehicle was out of control. I could see the oncoming cars and semi-trucks as we spun. I knew they wouldn't have time to stop. It would only be a matter of seconds before they hit...

I thought there was no way this could really be happening... I wanted to scream to life that I was supposed to get a break. Not continue to be kicked. Part of me wondered if we would make it. I silently asked Adalyn that to please help me be as brave as her. To help me not be afraid of pain.

We slammed sideways into the guard rail on the right...and came to a hard...sudden halt. Plumes of smoke came out of the engine. My head was screaming...my leg hurt...but I was okay. I looked over to see the wide-eyed astonishment of my sister, I could hear the teary sniffles from my niece.

We were okay. The car was totaled....but somehow....we were okay. 

The car was pinned into the guard rail. Right behind the guard rail was a 50 ft. drop into the icy Colorado River.

My sister calmly called 911...and my niece and I held hands and prayed. Praying in gratitude that we were okay. Praying for continued protection. Praying to feel of our Angel Adalyn close by...comforting and protecting us too.

A crew soon came and directed traffic...and we were towed away. Somehow....only receiving mild concussions...pulled muscles...and bruises.  

People often tell us that the storm clouds will lift...that good things are to come...yet....So often I still feel like I'm standing in the rain. Drowning in the flood waters. Banging off of floating debris....trying to see any signs of a break in the clouds...

I still find myself afraid to hold to hope. Afraid that this will be a life of steep, hard climbs. And quite honestly....that thought scares every part of me. I don't know how much one heart can take... 

Yet....that day....I felt reminded of a couple things.

1.) Adalyn spent her little life fighting for it. Fighting each day. In the middle of all the struggles she faced....she managed lifted up those around her. To know her...was to know of pure, innocent, powerful love. She fought for each day because I think she knew better than us all...that the good in this life...the love we have...is worth fighting for. Fighting for the good in this life is a choice. A choice that I know many days....I'm not very good at making...But because of Adalyn...I know I want to be.

2.) No matter what this life brings....no matter the storms that rage...the pains we feel....because of the very Easter holiday we celebrate this Sunday...we do have hope. Hope to know that one day....the storms will cease. The rain will stop. And the sun will come. The pain....and death in this life....is not the end. Because and through Christ..everyone of us will be resurrected. My broken heart...will be healed as I once again get to hold our beautiful little girl...perfect and without pain. 

3.) Miracles are real. They happen every day. They happen even if our eyes are closed to noticing them. As much as it may feel at times, we have not been left alone. We have such love in our lives because of Adalyn. Because of our family and friends. On the darkest of our days...we have still felt rays of light.

I don't know how to do this. How to find all the good....purpose...and hope again without our sweet Adalyn.. I don't know how to fully hope for good things to come in this life without my own fears creeping in... I don't know how to face all of the "year marks" that are to come this year...

But I will continue to try.

I feel like the past year of our life....and even the accident we had last week....remind me constantly that life doesn't always turn out the way we plan...As of late...it seems to always be much harder. I don't have all the answers. I don't always understand the "whys".... I have to believe one day I will.. Even in the "unplanned" God is with us. He surrounds us with angels to protect and comfort us..even as everything seems to go wrong,

Though not as planned, Kaycee still got home! We're so proud of him!

For now....I have another day. ...Another day to be a wife. Another day to be a sister. Another day to be a friend.

Another day to be a mother to a perfect angel. 

To those who have continued to reach out to us.....you may never know how truly grateful we are for your comfort. For the messages, cards, phone calls and thoughtful gifts we have received. You carry us in so may ways.... From our family, friends...and even strangers, I am learning what it truly means to comfort those in need of comfort.

To you, Addie Grace, I know you're never far. In the moments I am scared....I try to imagine your face...Smiling, laughing, singing. I imagine you being the one to comfort me.. Guiding me to become something better then I can see in myself now. I feel so lost without you....My arms feel so empty. I still sleep with a pair of your jammies each night....as if in some way holding them will make me feel I am holding you. I still buy the same lavender lotion and soap we used for you. I probably will the rest of my life. When I use it...I remember the way your soft hair smelled. And the smell your face.. A mix of lavender...and milky formula. I have no doubt you were with me the day of our accident...I feel lucky to know first hand who my strong guardian angel is! You still teach me so much each and every day. I love you, my darling, more than my words could ever convey. You're perfect, in every way sweet girl.....I am grateful always for the bright light of your life. 

I am so excited to share this picture with you! A dear friend of ours painted this canvas of Adalyn for us. It is absolutely captivating! It feels so real. To see those beautiful blue eyes means the world to us! This painting conveys so much of her beautiful, strong and loving spirit. 

Beca is an amazing artist...to check out more of her work...click here