That's how long she lived.
Tomorrow....Camon will be 6 months and 12 days old.
I told myself I wouldn't look at what day it would be on the calendar. I told myself I wasn't going to let myself notice...But it was too late. I already knew....and all week long it has felt like a wall I was going to smack into...
In the end, I wasn't prepared for the emotions it stirred up in my heart....or for all the different reasons today would be hard.
Our beautiful friend Donalee gave this picture to us....We love it so very much! It is everything I would imagine!
As I placed Camon down for his nap today.....I figuratively attempted to put on my floaties..and open the flood gates...And because I find out my emotions best by writing....I ended up here.
So far today, I watched Camon try to chomp on everything. Watched him try so very hard to crawl. Changed both our outfits twice due to heavy amounts of spit up. Took little walks. Sat in the shade. Cleaned. Changed diapers. Played half a dozen rounds of peek-a-boo.. And made lots of ridiculous noises to make Camon laugh...
Yet...at this time with Adalyn, she was dying. We were holding on to her desperately....knowing angels were surrounding her, waiting to sweep her up into her heavenly home. That thought still haunts me in some ways. And so often these days, I find myself in Camon's room in the middle of the night....having to just feel that he is breathing. I have to physically feel that he is still here.
Maybe I'm afraid that if I'm not on guard constantly, he too will be swept back home. As I type that out...I know it sounds rather silly, I know I can't control those things. That past couple of years have shown me all too well that there is so much in life that we can't control.... But clearly, that doesn't stop me from trying...
I guess I always thought, during the time we had Adalyn, that if I just fought hard enough. If I believed enough. If I prayed enough....I would never have to say goodbye... That November morning of watching her take her last breath....everything I thought I knew....everything I thought I was....shattered.
Camon has helped some of those shattered pieces come together again.... But those pieces are now changed. They don't fit where they used to. They are forming a new shape. The new version of who I am now...
In many ways, today was that reminder. A reminder of so many things.
It is painful to think that Camon has now physically out lived his sister..
I wish memories were tangible. I wish I could pick one up...and just for that moment...re-live it. To smell it...to feel exactly what that moment felt. I wish I could smell exactly what my clothes smelt like after giving Adalyn a bath...and holding her wet little self close before we got her all ready for bed. I wish my arms could instantly feel they way they cradled her. I wish I could feel exactly how it felt to have her hair rub my cheek...
Yesterday, Camon was so very fussy and so very tired. Normally, I just place him in his crib for naps...but he wouldn't have it. Nothing was working. My mind wanted to just say..."Sleep child! You're tired!"
Finally...I snuggled him close and bounced and bounced. Amazingly, he fell asleep. It has been quite some time since he has let me snuggle him close while he sleeps. As I watched him, my anxiety was washed to the side. I think he know how much I needed those snuggles. How much I have been missing them with Adalyn. I wanted that moment with him to become one of those tangible memories that I could replay over and over... I want to remember how his little red nose looked...and the way his fingers kept rubbing my shirt. I wanted to soak how his hair smelled like sunscreen and fruit. I wanted to memorize the flutter of his eyelashes...
I'm not sure of much these days. I still tend to question myself. I wonder if I am enough. I wonder if I have enough faith. I wonder if both our sweet babies know how very much I love them....
One thing I do know....one of many things Adalyn's life has taught me in her 6 months and 11 days...is that I will never take for granted those quiet...small...simply beautiful moments.
Her 6 months and 11 days taught me gratitude. To be grateful for time.
In 6 months and 11 days she taught me how to be a mother. To focus on what matters most...and let everything else wash away.
In 6 months and 11 days...I learned hard things happen. I learned what it feels like to be completely and utterly devastated. I learned that having faith doesn't mean bad things won't happen.... And when they do happen....it doesn't mean that your faith wasn't enough. I learned to honestly pray to my Heavenly Father...in anger, in humility, in love, in gratitude...and in defeat. I learned that no matter how hard I try, I am not in control of this life.
I learned that one little, pure, noble life....can change countless other lives forever.
And now?
In Camon's 6 months and 11 days....he has taught me to laugh again...and really mean it.
In his 6 months and 11 days, he has taught my heart that it is still capable of loving so deeply. He has brought us so much joy!
During his 6 months and 11 days, I have once again faced my fears of losing David....and was again...given so many physical angels, (especially family) to carry me through.
For 6 months and 11 days, I have proudly worn the constant smell of spit up. I have been frazzled over sleepless nights.... And quiet often, I have been an anxious....worried mess...
But for 6 months and 11 days... I have be so completely grateful for a little boy named Camon, who loves me without restraint.
I am realizing more and more....that we never know what life will hold. So it is up to us to hold to what matters most to our hearts. I never imagined living life after losing Adalyn. Much less...having another child...
If you have made it this far in reading, I apologize if none of this has made sense.... I guess, as emotional as I have been today...I have realized I would do it all again. A part of me will always wish it were different...I will always wish she were still here.... But even if it couldn't be different, I wouldn't give back one day.
Marrying and loving David has changed me. Adalyn changed me. Our friends and family changed me. The kindness that has been poured into our lives has changed me. Camon has changed me...
I hope....that someday...my life can reflect my utter gratitude for those changes.
To you, my sweet Addie baby, I've been finding so many pennies these days. I like to believe they are your reminders that you are near. We have been taking Camon swimming lately, he sure loves it sweet girl! I think you would have enjoyed the water too. Especially with your love of baths.You are carried, my darling, each and every day in my heart.
I love you always!
XO,
Mommy
