A Letter to You

Hello my darling,

This past week you are nine whole months.

I know there will come a day when I no longer live by counting in month increments.... but I'm not there yet. 

I miss you in every breath.

A few nights ago, I went running again for the first time in a year. I didn't even make it a few blocks before all of my muscles were screaming. Before the chill of the evening air burned my lungs. But I didn't want to stop. I wanted to feel the burn. I wanted to feel my aching muscles.

I wanted to feel.

I wanted to feel you in the air. In the breeze that hit my face. I wanted to wrap myself in my memories of you as I played your song over and over.

I want to tell you how proud I am of you. I see your soft, penetrating spirit in the deep glow of the sunsets. I feel your noble strength when I look at your pictures. I feel the grace you carry yourself with when I think of all you endured. I know what a loving, happy girl you are. I am amazed at the beautiful light you are in so many lives....into my own. I am so amazed at all you have triumphed over.

We found pictures of you on Grandma's iPad. Daddy liked to call you his little Ewok in this one.

Being pregnant with you....and watching your life I always knew you were our miracle. And you know what I have realized? You still are. In every way. You have brought so many incredible people into my life sweet girl. You have taught me so many things.

Your calm, beautiful, happy and loving spirit has hit me so frequently. Each moment I feel it...I don't want to let go. I want to freeze time.

No one could have ever prepared me for life without you here. For the nights of endless tears...for the depth of my heart break.

Yet...no one could have described the depth of love that we have felt. No one could have told me how I would be changed in absolutely every way because of you.


Adalyn, you were sent here for us. And I will forever hold to each and every moment we had with you. Your purpose was so great that our Heavenly Father needed to you back home. I know one of your biggest roles is to be here with Daddy and I. To stay close by and help carry us through each moment.

I've been really struggling Addie baby....But I want you to know I am trying.

I will live every moment for you.

Oh how you loved to talk. I'm certain you spend so much of your time now talking and singing the days away!

I'm frequently wiping my lips smudges off the screen of my phone and your picture next to the bed from kissing them so much.

We recently went to see Uncle Kaycee graduate from basic training for the army...it was hard for me sweet girl. I ached to be surrounded by all of your pictures. There were many moments I felt your courage taking over when I felt my own was gone. I know you are proud too of how brave Uncle Kaycee has been.

I see so much joy....goodness...and beautiful moments happening in so many lives around us. Sometimes...I'm surprised at that. The moment you went back home to heaven....my world stopped. I guess a part of me still feels like the rest of the world should have stopped too. How does the world keep turning....and time keep moving...when I feel it should be frozen?


I haven't yet figured out how to keep moving. I haven't yet figured out the new "me..."

Caleb's sweet aunt sent us a "Caleb Lion" to help remind us to have courage...we love it so much. We thought he makes a good friend to your favorite Mr. Ja-graff.

Loosing you has been like putting on a new pair of glasses. I see everything so differently. But you know what my sweet girl? I think this is where I need to be. It is the hardest place imaginable to be. Grief is so many things...It is scary....it is devouring. It is beautiful. It is captivating. It is heart wrenching. It is sacred. It is lifelong.

I'm still here my sweet Adalyn. My purpose is you. Somehow....I will find "me" along this new journey. I love you with all I have. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy. Thank you for believing in me. You will always be the center of our world. The strength in every step. The hope in every sunrise.

I remember so many of our late nights Addie baby. The nights when you were having a hard time....and those terrible seizures....I would pull you over onto the mat with me. I would rub your sweet head....wipe away any tears and tell you how much I loved you until you fell back asleep. I would tell you to hold on....that it would be okay.

Many nights...I now picture you doing the same thing for me. Crawling next to me as I lay in bed....rubbing my head...wiping away my tears..whispering to me that it will be okay...that I made it through the day...That you love me....

Stay close Adalyn....I'll be looking for you.

XOXO

Mommy

P.S.....We finally got one of your pictures framed that our sweet cousins had drawn for you!