We have now passed 9 whole months since you returned back to heaven. My heart still has a hard time comprehending how days....weeks...and months continue to pass.
Lately I've been struggling. I feel so lost Addie baby. My heart feels so very fragile. The pieces feel like they are barely being held together with a mixture of old tape and elmers glue... ready to fall apart with the slightest of impact.
I think the past couple months have been hard for me....I have slowly began to work through some of those emotions that I've worked to avoid...or numb. Sleep has still been my nemesis. The nights I sleep best...usually means I got a couple stretches of 2-2 1/2 hours of sleep.
We made you a new wreath! I think it's perfectly fitting for you.
I still have panic attacks. More often in the evenings....especially when I'm tired. It feels like I'm in the ocean....just a few inches away from where my feet would touch the bottom. It's like I'm bobbing up and down in the water. Popping back up to gasp for air......yet I still can't fully breathe...because waves are crashing down on me. I desperately want to bridge the gap of those few inches....to be at a place where I can stand fully...and just breathe.
I think of you in each and every moment. I wonder what bright and beautiful things you see each and every day. I wonder about the people you see.....and the good you are doing. I think of how utterly blessed I feel to get to call you mine.... I think of what you would look like now....as your dark curly hair grew longer. I think of you perfect and healthy...with your bright blue eyes and beautiful smile.
I'm scared Adalyn. Still scared of life without you here.
You opened my heart to a whole new level of loving. You infused our lives with such powerful, tangible, and tender love. Holding you was like holding a piece of heaven. As hard as the days were, I was so much stronger with you in my arms.
Often I hear people or strangers say, "Now you are pregnant again, you can finally move on." I know they mean well...but I disagree.
Moving on means leaving something behind. Left in the past. No longer a part of the day to day. There are moments in each of our lives.....moments that are life-changing...moments that change hearts. Those moments become a part of you. Forever entwined with your soul.
That is exactly what you are...You are forever a part of me my darling. Carrying you in my heart every day is what makes me a better person.
There have been days this past month, when I desperately needed to feel you close. The 13th was one of those days. I dislike the 13th of each month... Do you remember how I lost the stamped footprint of your little feet? I was so broken about it. I had all but given up hope that I would find them again...
That day, I was going through the box of cards we have that we received all through last year. As I read through some of those words again, tears pour out of my eyes in a steady stream. I don't know if people will ever know how much their words have touched my aching heart....and gave me comfort....even still today. You became a light to so many sweet girl.
I opened an older envelope...and your cute little stamped feet fell into my lap. I felt you so strongly in that moment. Your own beautiful way of wrapping your arms around me....reminding me that your are still very much with me. Loving me....strengthening me. I still don't know how they got into that envelope...or into that box.
Your little brother, I think, has been practicing baby Olympics in the womb these days. Honestly, feeling him move so frequently is a comfort my fragile heart has needed. I have so many fears with this pregnancy....feeling him is almost like his sweet way of letting me know he's doing okay.
Clearly he takes after you. Already being one to give me comfort.
Daddy carries this picture with him in his pocket on days that are hard...Clearly it is well loved. Looking at your sweet picture gives him strength and comfort I think...And reminds him he can do hard things. He loves you deeply sweet girl!
There is another thing I want to thank you for.....and let you know I'm still working on. Each and every day of your life was a reminder of how important each moment is...Of how lucky we each are to be given each day with those we love.
Your life was a reminder of the beauty in simplicity. I think we are each so often spending our time looking forward...to the next holiday...next weekend...next appointment....that we lose sight of the here and now. We take for granted the day we are given.
This picture captures exactly when I mean. The perfect in the simple.
You gave us perspective on that...each day with you....everything else of less importance drifted away.
With you gone....I have to remind myself each day to be here. To be here in this moment. The here and now.
While I work during the week...I listen to a radio show...at the end of each show he says..."And remember, when you get home tonight, hug the ones you love."
We never know how many little moments we are given. I long for the day with my moments are once again filled with seeing you....with your Daddy....and your little brother.
I love you Addie Grace. Always and completely. Your life reminds me that sometimes....that which is most fragile and delicate...is also capable of magnificent strength and love.
Stay close my darling.
XOXO
Mommy
