The month of May still came.
David and I both have so many emotions that we're still learning to work through. There are so many things that changed last May. Everything I held dear in my world suddenly was dangling by a thread last May. There were many moments that broke me. So many moments that changed me...And moments where I felt so full of love and gratitude that we were given such a beautiful little angel....Moments I felt so grateful to have my husband for another day.
But I'm not going to write that post yet. Maybe next week.
(These two pictures make my heart smile...taken last May...when She had SO much tape. First picture...is her frustrated face at just finishing "cares" and getting touched by cold stethoscopes...the second is moments later...when she happily realized David was holding her.)
Last weekend we made the drive up to Primary Children's. They were having a tribute to honor the children that passed away last year.
I didn't think we could go. We have avoided the drive up the I-15 ever since losing Adalyn. We have avoided downtown Salt Lake. We have avoided many things.
I'll be honest here....the past weekend was incredibly hard. I had a hard time simply keeping myself together. All of my emotions felt so raw...vulnerable...and right on the surface.
We would stay with David's sweet sister Aimee each time Adalyn had doctor appointments in Salt Lake.... As we took our things down to their basement.....memories flooded my mind. My heart utterly longed for our Adalyn. Yet...that night...as we went to bed....I realized I was so thankful to stay in a comforting place that we had stayed with Adalyn. To have sweet memories of her there.
The next day, we went to the tribute ceremony.
I don't have the words to describe my feelings. To describe how much my heart ached. To describe how easily I fell apart and the emotions that flooded my heart. I can't fully describe how much we ached to see pictures of other sweet little angels... And know of the decisions and heart breaks their parents went through too..
Instead...I want to share bits and pieces of things that touched my heart...
First of all....Absence does NOT have the ability to take away love.
Second....often times...when things become broken...people try to hide those very breaks. If a picture frame is broken on a corner...or a seam is coming out of a shirt...we each do what we can to hide those flaws. Japanese potters have a different philosophy. If a pot they are making breaks...they don't throw it away...or try to paint over the cracks...Instead, they fill the cracks with gold. Making the break visible for all to see. Visible.....yet valuable. The breaks in the bowl become an aspect of beauty. Creating something even better.
Third.... It is easy to wonder where God is in all of this. To wonder where He is in the middle of tragedy. One speaker began quoting another woman...who said she has come to realize...God is not the tragedy. God isn't the accident. God is love. He is the love in the person that showed up at our door with food. The love in the people who have cried with us. The love of the stranger who asked to see all of my pictures on my phone of Adalyn. He is in the love of the people who felt like sending us a tender card. His is the love that comforts, that carries....that brings hope in the midst of darkness.
As the slide show of all the children popped up....I sobbed when I saw Adalyn's beautiful picture on the screen. I felt so honored to be her mom. So honored to have been given the chance to know first hand of pure and perfect love. So honored to be wearing a name tag that had her name on it... And still so desperate for time to pass quickly to hold our perfect angel in my arms once more.
At the end of the ceremony....they released 100 live doves. It was beautiful.
I realize each day that this is lifelong journey of heart ache. Yet I am slowly realizing it is also journey with the deepest of beauty, love and learning. Though, that doesn't mean it will be easy. I still feel like I'm doing my best just to tread water. This life is a gift. A beautiful gift. And if we keep our eyes open....if we look..... I like to think that we might just have the chance to be a part of something that is greater than ourselves.
So thank you, my darling Adalyn,....for helping me have the courage to walk through the doors of Primary Children's once more. I wanted to avoid it forever. You change lives each day sweet girl. Especially mine and Daddy's. You remind me of who I want to be. Some moments, I feel so desperate in my longing for you....and my heart feels lost. I wonder who I am...and if I am strong enough to face another day. I was reminded over the weekend....that I will never be too lost. For I have your love as my brightest guide. You are loved Addie baby. You are remembered. You are always missed...
Uncle Hyram drew this picture on scratch board for my birthday. We love it so very much!
.When they said this song at the tribute Adalyn, I swore the lyrics were written just for you... Here are parts of it...
"The wisdom in your eyes
The joy that was your smile
You felt like home, and I
will remember."
"The song that was your voice
Gave a spirit of such peace.
You changed my world,
And I will remember."
"As the rivers will run to join the ocean
My love will keep rushing to you
Though the seasons may change....
Your memory remains"
"We remember.."
"Forever you will stay,
Cause time can't take away
What we remember"
I miss you so deeply sweet girl. In every moment, of every day, you are the one dancing around in my mind...The one my heart is waiting to hold. Daddy and I celebrated our birthdays this past week. I couldn't help but think of our birthdays last year. In the midst of the hard days we faced.... I think that birthday will forever be my favorite...because I got to spend the whole day holding you.
Love you Addie Grace!
Last year on my birthday!
A year ago today....Sure miss you sweet girl!
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