Risks Worth Taking.

David and I have held onto a specific little secret for quite sometime. 

After losing Adalyn, we were certain we weren't going to have anymore children. Having Adalyn was the greatest gift in the world.....but watching her go through such hard things.....and having to say good-bye was something that I knew I couldn't bear to go through once more.

However, as it would be..... Adalyn must have had plans for another sibling. 

I am 22 weeks along, and we will be welcoming him into our lives this November! 

Becoming pregnant once again has been an emotional whirlwind in and of itself. The pieces of my fragile heart feel like they are barely held together. 

I have had so many fears....and it is still difficult for me to articulate those feelings into words. The news of a baby.... I have always felt is worthy of being shouted from rooftops. Babies are the most incredible miracles.

But how do you let your heart be excited....when it is so afraid of what could go wrong? When it is so afraid of worst case scenario...because...well....the worst case scenario happened? 

So it became our secret. With each ultrasound I have had....David has held my hand as we have cried through each one. Seeing this sweet little baby move...has made our hearts burst with gratitude, and long for our little Adalyn. Somehow, what may be a simple ultrasound to most.....is something that reminds us each and every time that miracles are real. That love is so powerful. Yet....the most vulnerable thing in the world.

As we anticipated the ultrasound that would tell us if our little boy had similar issues as Adalyn....or possible heart defects....I felt like a basket of emotions. We found out just over a week ago, that both his brain...and his little heart are looking perfect. I still don't have words for my gratitude!

Yet....my heart still has a whole other realm of emotions.

When we found out we were pregnant with Adalyn, with a sweet little girl....I couldn't wait to prepare for her sweet arrival! All too soon...we were told that the changes were slim of her surviving birth... So we never did the typical things to "prepare" for a baby. We never shopped for clothes. Picked out cribs. Decorated a nursery. We didn't know what to plan for. So instead, we put all our focus on praying for her each and every day.

I know that is a silly thing to confess..but I say that because my heart is still afraid to prepare for a baby. As if the moment I let myself....something will go wrong...

The other part of my heart still longs  for Adalyn. I think it always will. To long for her to be here as we prepare for her little brother. To see how loving she would be with him...to watch the two of them bounce around together is a site I long to see.

The thing is.....I could go on and on about the things that scare me. About all of my fears and worries...and thoughts that run across my mind... But I'm not going to do that.

Love is a risk. To love someone....to place a part of your heart and soul into their hands...is the greatest risk. It leaves you vulnerable and susceptible to heart break. 

Loving another person means there will be nights and days of worry. It means there will be tears. It means you will forever sacrifice all of yourself for someone else.

But is also means you will experience something that is far greater and more beautiful than anything the world can offer. Love is a piece of heaven....that you get to feel every day... It is being able to feel just a small piece of the presence of God I think. Loving David...and Adalyn has changed my world. Each and every day I am so grateful for them...for the person they have helped me to become. For the piece of their heart I carry with me.

So in the moments that my mind becomes crippled with my fears...I think of that.

Love is a risk, but it is worth taking every single time. Love is the squeeze of David's hand in mine, reminding me we can do this. Love is the light in Adalyn's smile. And love is what we feel for our little boy.

July 20th. The day I finally caught a picture of that brilliant smile.

And I wouldn't change any of those things for the world. Without love, life loses it's beauty. It's vibrancy..  Love is the good that is intertwined in all the little moments in our lives. Adalyn's entire life will forever be a testament to that truth. Her love is  one of the most beautiful things I have ever held.

We know that pregnancy....and bringing this little boy into our world will be emotionally hard.  But we also have felt so strongly of the love that Adalyn has for her little brother. I know she is going to be so very close to us.....and I look forward to seeing all of the ways that she is there for her sweet little brother.

As always, my sweet girl. I'll end with a note to you. Each time I feel your brother move, I feel so blessed...it is like a constant reminder of what a miracle life is. It also makes me so grateful that I was able to feel those same things with you. I promise that Daddy and I will learn to open our hearts completely again. We will be certain to give your little brother all of the love we have! I have no doubt that he is pretty special, he is your brother after all. My thoughts are with you always my darling. We love you so very much!

With Pioneer day tomorrow, I felt it very fitting to share this picture from last Pioneer day. Cutest little Pioneer I've ever seen!