The Undercurrent.

So often my heart reflects back to the days, nights, and weeks this time of year last year...

We had been home for a whole month with Adalyn the beginning of last July. We were learning, along with Adalyn, the best way to handle her feeding tube, oxygen machine, pulse oximeter, suction machine...and medicines.

Her blessing day....July 5th. So perfect.

There were so many many moments when I thought this couldn't all be real. That one day we would wake up, and Adalyn would be seizure free...that all of the other concerns would fade away. David and I rotated the night in 3 hour blocks at that time..That way, we would both get times of sleeping for three hours straight. One of us would get up, begin her feeds....and often simply hold her. Seizures made it hard for long stretches of sleep... At the time, she was seizing about once every 3-4 hours...which seemed like so much. Little could we know how much those awful things would progress.

I can't quite describe the feeling of waking up to hearing her monitor alarming....she would stop breathing for a short time during her seizures..causing her oxygen to dip down low...and then bounce back.

We had her sleeping in the same room as us. So many nights...I found myself simply just staring at her... Watching the color changing night light dance across her sweet face. So often I just rubbed her sweet head...trying to figure out what her plans were for us. Some of those nights are ones too close to my heart to share publicly...

So many times, even in those early months with her...I found myself breaking down....fearing so deeply that our time with her was going to be limited. Sometimes I thought that if I just starred at her long enough....watching her drift back to sleep in my arms...that I could freeze that moment and live in it forever. That I could just forever soak up the peace of watching her eyes flutter closed...feeling the comforting squeeze of her finger..and her breath on my chest..knowing she was safe in my arms... Knowing that my husband was sleeping peacefully on the other side of the room.  There was nothing in the world that my heart wanted more.

Views my heart misses. 

I've  felt myself really struggling as time continues. So many things send me into a panic these days. Never had I known what true anxiety was until the past year.. Now...I know well the creeping feeling of my chest tightening... my heart racing...my thoughts bursting....and my fears completely engulfing me.

I feel afraid of so many things these days. Some of them silly. For example,  I feel like I give myself a pep talk to go out to get groceries. Large social gatherings are hard for me....Something that never used to be. To meet with people, or strangers...and just have small talk seems so foreign to me. It is hard for me to have normal small talk...when everything in my heart doesn't feel normal anymore.

And then there other fears...deeper fears that always seems so close to the surface. The ones that like to play out in my nightmares. One of them hit close to home recently. We learned last month that David's pacemaker battery would need to be changed. For David, this is a pretty routine surgery that he has to have about every 5 years. His heart has to be paced all the time...and unfortunately...batteries don't last forever.

When the lab called to schedule the surgery...for the second week in July (this coming week..)I felt those fearful tears once more burn the surface of my eyes. Of course it would be on the 13th...a day I dread each passing month. My mind wanted to scream...."Why does everything have to feel so hard!" Imagining going back up to Primary's....sitting in a surgery waiting room once more....just felt like one more brick added to my backpack that already was too heavy. 

( As you may have realized, I process things the best through analogies....so bear with me on this one.)

Right now, we are in Spokane, Washington. David has a conference for work for a few days, and I tagged along. I was walking next to the Spokane River yesterday. It looked so peaceful. So calm. Yet...there were signs everywhere that said "Stay out, stay alive." Signifying there was a strong undercurrent...and up ahead, there were falls. 

When I got to the falls..I stood there simply watching for almost an hour. So many thoughts running through my mind. It was enchanting almost...seeing the power, intensity and current of the water. Something that appeared so calm on the surface just minutes before, was actually anything but calm. I felt so similar to the river in that moment. How..often on the surface I seem calm.... But deep in my heart is a intense current of emotions. Fear, grief, longing,worry, anxiety, frustration, distrust, emptiness. All of these feelings swirling around together. Creating a powerful current of their own.

This picture doesn't even do it justice. So beautiful. 

I think, at times, we all have an "undercurrent." Our deepest emotions that lie right beneath the facade of calm we place. I think so often we feel that to show or have these deep emotions isn't okay....or that we shouldn't show them. Yet, as I looked at those falls...there was something so beautiful about the way the water simply flowed...force and all..and just kept going.

As of late my own "undercurrent" has felt like it is pulling me under. Making me feel that I don't have the strength left to swim anymore.

In so many of these moments...I pull up a picture of Adalyn. I see the strength in her little eye. Her bravery. Her courage. Her faith. Her love. And I take one more step.

Of her many gifts....she has always been able to bring hope and strength into our lives.

I am realizing that there are many things that will take time to work through. I hold to the hope that there will come a time when I don't panic so often. When I don't awake at night from another nightmare. When my fears will be hushed. I am realizing I have the greatest force swirling around in my "undercurrent".......Adalyn's love. I know that her love will slowly help to change my "undercurrent." It will change those dark emotions to hope, light, love and trust.

Sometimes, in listening to some people...I have felt like I must not have enough faith. If I had faith, I would be happy. I would be fine with the trials we are going through. I wouldn't feel like such a mess inside. But I am realizing that having faith doesn't mean you are "okay" with what you are going through. Having faith doesn't mean that you have to be happy with what you have lost. Having faith doesn't mean you are never worried, or afraid, or feel lost.... I think faith means that you find the courage to keep taking one more step. No matter how broken or clumsy that step may be...holding to the hope that Christ never breaks His promises.

I think I am learning that it is okay to let myself feel...that I can't listen to what others may say I should be feeling. This is our journey. Our walk. Our road. And though it has been filled with many bumps, steep climbs...and sheer drops....it has also been one filled with the deepest of love. Guided by graceful hands.

I am slowly learning to trust God again with the pieces of my heart. This has been one of the hardest parts for me to learn again. Trust is one I struggle with. I am learning still....that He loves me individually. That somehow....He will help me to carry my backpack of bricks.

I've shared this before....but it has been one I am continually reminding myself of:

2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Each and every day of my life I will be grateful for the gift of time. I will be grateful for the nights of little to no sleep...For they gave me the chance to watch Adalyn drift off to sleep...and as things became harder...they gave me time to give her comfort and love. I will be grateful for summer evenings...For they gave us time to spend laying on the grass with her. I will be grateful for explosive diapers...for they brought laughter....and gave me a chance to change the cutest little bum. I will be grateful days spent at home, not always showered, with my hair often a mess...and in my pj's....for those were days I got to spend playing with our little Angel. Singing her nursery rhymes, reading books, helping her learn to grasp toys..and simply swaying in the living room. I will be grateful that David wasn't working then....for I got to witness the absolute pure love he has for Adalyn. Time to see the care and love he took in every moment with her.

Slowly I will learn to become encompassed by the good I have. To be encompassed by the love, hope and light that Adalyn knew so very well.

Fourth of July last year

I love you my sweet darling. Oh how my heart utterly longs for you! How I wish I had got to dress you all up for the 4th....and watch your face as you saw all the bright fireworks. So often I feel you near....I know Daddy does too. I had a hard time walking past the giant red wagon slide here...and the little carousal..My heart still longs to do so many of those little things. As I walked around...I looked for you in the beautiful purple flowers. In the silly ducks swimming on the water...In the cool, beautiful air...and the bright green trees. I often find myself talking out loud to you. We pray for you each day...that you always know how special and loved you are.....Part of me feels that you are praying for us too Addie Grace.

I love you always!

You are so very loved by so many! 

We lit fireworks off with you, of course mine had gone out in this picture. I think you would absolutely love sparklers my darling!