Just Be Held.

For most of this year, I have worked to push the thoughts and events of last November to the back of my mind.

I thought time would stop....or freeze....and that certainly there was no way November would come again. (I'm not always the most rational). Yet here it is. And my heart....my heart is full to the brim of emotions. Almost to the point that some days, it simply hurts to feel.

There were so many days last November that shook my world to the core. Especially the first two weeks. I know it's time for me to face those feelings. And as always...I do that best through writing.

November 2, 2015:

Adalyn turned 6 months. "Monthies," as I referred to them, were a big deal for us. Each passing month was a tender mercy. We clung to the gift of time. David's amazing mom had the idea of having a small party for her. A "Half-Birthday" party. We thought it was brilliant.

She even baked the most perfect half-birthday cake. 

I loved it.

That day....Adalyn had some stretches of awake time. Which was incredible for her. We adored just getting to spend time with her. Nothing more was needed. Her seizures had progressed so severely by that point. Even now, there is nothing I hate more than seizures. They took so much from her...especially as they became more life threatening...and we were helpless to stopping them.

Her simple party was perfect. She slept through the whole thing! We sang her "Happy Half-Birthday" and ate her cake.

Little did we know....this would be one of the last days before everything would take a spiraling turn for the worst. How could we ever process that we would only have 11 more days with our beautiful girl?

I think of that now....and I was to run back in time and shout at myself to hold to every. single. second. To memorize the sounds...smells..feel of each moment. As if doing so would stop that day from coming.

How is it that we are here now....a year later...coming up on that heart-wrenching year mark? And in the same month....welcoming a new baby? 

As I was driving a few days ago....I turned on the Christian radio. I don't remember the song...or even the tune...but shortly after turning it on I heard the words "Stop holding on, and just be held"

That has rang in my head ever since. As I think of our lives...this month....my feelings...and all that is to come....I feel like I'm scrambling to hold on to everything. Thinking that somehow, if I can hold on to everything....I can control it. As if I can stop anything bad from happening.

Yet the more I try to hold on to everything....the more my feelings seem to spiral away from me. It's as if I'm trying with all my might to pick up the pieces of my fragile heart...to hold them close. The more I try, the more the pieces keep dropping out of my hands.

Thinking of that simple line has made me realize that I just want to be held. To be held in the love of our sweet Adalyn. Held in the constant love of my husband. Held in the tender comfort of our growing little boy... 

Held in the hands of God....who will never drop or lose those fragile pieces of my heart. 

So that is what I will try to do as we reflect on these days. I will try to just be held. Knowing that even in the hardest of moments, love was our constant. We were never left alone.

Happy 18 months Addie baby! To say I miss you is the most drastic understatement.
Stay extra close my darling. I'll be looking for you. 

XO

Mom


Here are some picture highlights of the end of October last year:

So perfect!

Also....thought I would share my ever-growing self!