Saving a Life.

Last Friday morning I was feeling pretty good. I've been working hard lately to not let anxiety get the better of me. That morning, Camon had been such a smiley boy!  We were both all ready for the day, and jamming out to some nursery rhymes....when I thought I would check the time on my phone.

I had 3 missed calls from David...and a voicemail that wasn't from him. It was his co-worker. Asking me to call them back ASAP.

Instantly my breath caught in my chest. Something was wrong. Why hadn't I turned the ringer on that morning?!

With shaky hands I hit the call back button.... David answered...sounding shaky and rather out of it..His first words were "I'm okay.." Those words are never comforting for me. I know him too well. "I passed out at work and they are transporting me to the emergency department." I hung up without even asking details. I simply told him I would be there right away.

I hung up telling myself not to panic. Not to cry. Sure, in normal situations, passing out might mean a simple problem. For David though? It points to something being wrong with his heart. It had been years and years since he last blacked out..

My next call was to my in-laws. They are absolutely wonderful, and were already on their way to pick up Camon and I. David had taken our car to work that morning.

On the drive over....I kept repeating in my mind. Don't cry. Don't panic. Breathe. I wanted to despise hospitals...and how they seem to be such a huge part of our lives.  I wanted to hate the way that my fear of losing David rises so quickly to the surface in the days since we lost Adalyn.

Just walking back to the room he was in and hearing everyone's beeping monitors made all my anxiety bubble to the surface...Beeps to me mean seizures. It means not breathing. It means hospital stays and life flight. It means being afraid.

Before long, we were with David... seeing his battle wounds from his fall. Holding his hand as he as he recounted what he could remember and what he had been told.

David was working when he felt his heart begin racing. He stepped out of the room with his patient and sat down. He knew something was going to happen, He attempted to call out to a co-worker...and then completely blacked out.

A short time later, an amazing nurse came around corner and saw him laying face down on the floor. She rolled him over. He was pale/ashen with a bloody face. She felt for a pulse, but couldn't find one. She called for help and began chest compressions. 

When David came to, he was surrounded by his co-workers and the rapid response team. It is the absolute greatest tender mercy that David works at a hospital here. The doctor, nurses and other therapists knew instantly what to do.

In the emergency room, they were able to read his pacemaker and see what happened. His heart began to go about 200 beats per minutes. He went into atrial flutter...which began to speed up his ventricles at an equal rate.

If you don't know much about the heart, here is the basics. When the heart begins to beat that fast, it basically isn't pumping any good, oxygenated blood to the body. It's too fast to even feel a pulse. Which is why he blacked out. 

The thing is, his device is supposed to be able to pace him out of situations like that before it turns scary. This time it didn't. Why? Well...as it would have it.....after his surgery in November..they left that setting of his device off. 

If you're surprised and shocked right now, so were we.

After several hours, of back and forth contact with Primary Children's in trying to reach David's cardiologist, we were able to go home...with promises of following up with his doctor as soon as possible to fix the settings on his device. Having a special condition means no one but your main doctor dares to make any medical changes.

The thing is, once David is back into a normal heart rhythm..hedoes perfectly fine. So after a couple days of rest, he is doing great!

Meeting cousin Corban, just a week older then Camon!

That night, and many since...I have laid awake thinking of the haunting image of David laying on the floor...gray and unresponsive. It makes my stomach churn and my heart ache.e

I think of the nurse who very likely saved David's life by doing chest compressions and helping his heart get back into a normal rhythm.

I don't know if she can ever know how utterly grateful I am for her. How do you begin to thank the people who saved the life of your other half? Your best friend? Your world?

Tears fill my eyes each time I think of it.

Those thoughts have led me to thinking of the past year and a half of our lives. I've thought of all the times that people who have saved my life in a different sense.

There have been countless times when I needed saving...Emotionally...mentally...and spiritually. Times when the darkness felt like it had won, and numbness crept in.

As we laid in  bed that night, I told David I was so amazed at his attitude...that with everything the day brought...he didn't complain. He tried to make the people around him feel better about what was happening.

His response has become my motto for this upcoming year. He said.."I think I'm learning that you can't always control how you feel. You can't always control what happens to you....but you can control how you treat people." 

Pretty profound, right? Little does he know how amazing he is.

There have been so many people the past two years of our life that have carried us. People who reached out in seemingly simple ways...that were life-changing for us. In the middle of the darkness we have waded through, so many people were there to remind us that there is good. There is hope. There is love.

People who helped remind us that God is there...that He is real...And present even amidst fierce storms. 

They were people who saved our lives.

Going into a new year, part of me feels afraid of all of the unknowns that I can't control. But I know one thing is certain, I want to be a life-saver. I want to hold to the good in this life. As hard as it is some days to feel...and to live...I want to take each day for the time it gives me. I want to make those around me feel loved and comforted in the same manner that has been showed to us.

I want to be the same "life-saver" that countless people have been for us. 

I can't always control my fears. I can't control the absolute ache I have for our little girl. I can't change David's heart problems. I can't control the storms that seem to find us..but I can hold to my ship and sail another day. 

I have watched as both Adalyn and David have fought to live this life. It has been the most painful thing I have ever gone through. Yet...this life, being married to David...having Adalyn...and now little Camon...has given me the greatest beauty and the deepest love. It has taught me what faith is...and given me true hope in God's plan for us.

I guess we never truly know when our life will need saving. Some days, it may be in the literal sense. I think even more often though, we all need saving in other ways. It's easy to be frustrated. It's easy to want to soak in the unfairness of it all. 

It is harder to seek God in the middle of it all. It's harder to hold to hope...but those are the very things that will save our lives.

To my sweet Adalyn....goodness what a life we live sweet girl! I feel so humbled and grateful to know that you are ever our guardian angel. Thank you for keeping watch over your Daddy. I can't believe that 2016 is over. It was a pretty hard year Addie baby..so much change. Daddy got a new job. We moved. Daddy had two separate surgeries...and we welcomed your little brother. The hardest thing though was living through a whole year without you. Thinking of living through another whole year without you hurts my heart. I want you to know that I will continue to strive to live this life for you. I want the light people may see in us to be a reflection of your light. I will seek to have our home be a place where heaven can be felt...a place where all who enter feel of you...and feel love. We will strive this year to make beautiful memories with your sweet brother and always look to see you close.

I love you always my darling!

XO

Mommy

P.S...Your Aunt Aimee's family gave us the sweetest hat. We definitely feel like it was meant for your little brother. It is almost exactly the boy version of your little owl hat. We love it so much!