It's still surreal to think at this point with Adalyn...we still hadn't even been able to bring her home. In fact...the day she turned a month old...we were sending her in for surgery. That day still breaks my heart...watching her silent cries...wanting to be held and have that awful breathing tube removed.
I feel grateful each day that Camon doesn't have to experience those things. He is slowly discovering more and more of his little world. It amazes me to see how much he changes from day to day. I love simply watching him wiggle and kick his legs as he is laying on the floor.
He often fixates at Adalyn's pictures on the wall. In those moments, I sometimes get chills...imagining that he likely sees her often still...and gets to hear her sweet whispers to him.
He makes us laugh, especially with his desire to eat anything and everything in sight. His toys..his blankets....my glasses....our faces... each have fallen victims to his sucking. He has thus far been unsuccessful in trying to swallow his binkie, but that doesn't stop him from trying! He loves to eat...and absolutely loathes to be burped. He thinks the best place to sleep...is in someones arms...snuggled close.
Point proven...end result was face eating!
I've learned that changing little boy diapers are much different than little girls. I call it the diaper version of Russian Roulette.
I've had a hard time with it being the Christmas season again. Much of my heart feels so thankful for sweet Camon and David. Yet a huge part of my heart aches for our sweet girl.
I've been thinking about peace lately. For so long....it has been one thing my heart has wanted. It has almost been two years since we began our journey with Adalyn....When we began to find out the struggles she would face. I think peace has had a hard time finding my heart since then...
If you would have asked my old self what peace was...I probably would have said something like "Peace is the feeling that simply comes when everything is going just right, when you can go to bed at night without a worry in the world."
I don't feel that way anymore. I think peace has to be sought out most of the time. It doesn't just arrive like a package on the doorstep.
A few nights ago...in my prayers I was telling Heavenly Father how frustrated I felt. Frustrated that my heart desperately wanted to feel peace and comfort...yet I couldn't. And the moments of peace I had felt...oddly enough....I pushed away. I pushed them away thinking "How can I ever feel peace after what we've been through? How could I possibly feel peace when we our little girl is in heaven...and we have to live apart from her? How can I let myself feel peace when I have so many worries?"
In my search for peace I think I've slowly been learning a few things. Peace isn't a feeling that comes at the end of the day when all is well.
Maybe peace is the assurance we have in knowing that this life isn't fair...but that this life is not the end. Maybe peace is the quiet comfort of knowing that there was a Savior that came....One who came to take away all of the unfairness of this life. Peace isn't "all is well.." but it is the assurance that one day... All will be well.
Maybe peace is like faith in many ways. It is the burning feeling I have in knowing I will get to hold our little Addie again.
Part of me has thought..."Well...If only I can feel peace...then I will finally be and comforted..and let my heart be open fully. Once I feel peace things will start being easier." Silly. I know. Because I'm realizing feeling peace doesn't mean that suddenly trials stop coming.
Maybe peace is knowing broken hearts can be healed, empty arms will be filled, broken bodies will be made whole....and tears will be wiped away. Maybe peace is knowing that sorrow doesn't win. Pain doesn't win. Heartbreak doesn't win. Light wins....Love wins.
Waiting for "What will be" is the hard part for me. It is what I struggle with. My breath feels taken away when I think of living this whole life without Adalyn. I cry in thinking of all the things in this life I long to experience with both her and her sweet brother.....Those feelings have made it hard for me to feel the Christmas spirit this year.
As I have continued to seek for peace to come into our home this Christmas... I am reminded why Christmas is so beautiful. Christmas is beautiful because there is an Easter.
If there were no Easter....there would be no reason to celebrate a little baby born in Bethlehem so long ago. Celebrating Christmas means Christ won. Death was conquered. He rose again. Celebrating Christmas to me....means celebrating that one day.....one day I will have my little girl again. One day I will get to watch her laugh and dance...and run. One day I will get to hold her in my arms....and watch her with her brother.
Tummy time is hard work.
So..if any of you out there are having the same struggles...know you aren't alone. It is so hard to trust yourself to feel peace, when worries plague your heart. My advice, is one moment at a time..and pray. Pray even when you don't want to. Pray even if it feels like no one is listening. Find the small comfort in knowing if your heart is breaking...if trials are building...that you are in the middle of a story that does end in the greatest happiness.
To you, my sweet Adalyn, I love you more then my words could ever convey, my darling! I am realizing that feeling peace.. feeling happiness with your brother...or even laughing again doesn't mean my longing for you is gone. There will always be an Adalyn size whole in my heart. That part of my heart is with you. In every laugh...every moment of happiness...it will also be laced with missing you. However....I'm also realizing that it doesn't mean I can't feel peace. It doesn't mean I can't love just as deeply. I hope you know how much you are cherished. A song I heard recently continues to play in my head these days... As deeply as I ache for you...I know that you get to spend Christmas with the Son of God. With the Prince of Peace. What a tender mercy to know where you are.....and that where you are is ever close to me.
I hope you will continue to help our home be filled with love, peace and your bright light! I hope you will also help my heart feel the Christmas spirit this year. I love you always!
XOXO
Mommy
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