Welcoming Your Brother.

Hello my sweet Adalyn,

November was sure a whirlwind my darling. With the year mark of your return to heaven, decorating for the Jubilee, Daddy's heart surgery, and the arrival of your brother....I still feel like I'm slightly spinning.

It's been just two weeks and two days since your brother came into our world.

On the night before your brother was born, I thought so much about how it would be the last night of you as an only child. I thought of how if you were here....I would have made the day special. Reminding you that you were so very loved, and a new sibling wouldn't change that one bit. That it would just bring even more love for all of us.

That night, we were able to deliver the tree we had decorated for you to the family who had bought it, and set it up in their home. It was such a special experience... As I drove home that night, I was in tears....realizing I did get to spend the day with you.

On Novemeber 22nd, at 2:50 in the afternoon....your brother made his big debut! He weighed a big 8 lbs 12 oz! Our doctor and nurses knew all about our experience with you. It felt as if everyone was holding their breath for that first moment he would take his.

They handed your brother to me right away. I couldn't see him hardly for the first ten minutes...due to all the tears in my eyes. You were whisked away before we ever got that moment with you. So being able to be the first to hold him was an absolute wonder to me. My tattered heart overflowed with instant love for him.

Hello Sweet Boy.

When he came out.....they realized that he had a big figure-eight knot it his umbilical cord. Our doctor told us knots like that can often be pretty dangerous...and lead to many other complications or stillbirth. Yet..his knot didn't get pulled tight. I have no doubt that you were his angel... keeping him safe.

We named him Camon Oliver. The name Camon means "from the heart." You taught us that the greatest gifts we can ever give...and the most power we can hold always comes from the heart...so it seemed perfectly fitting for your brother. His middle name, Oliver, means "peace." Something that Daddy and I have desperately needed since you went back to heaven.

He has a stork mark on his nose and forehead....I like to think they came because you gave him two last kisses before he arrived in our arms. 

I have to be honest here Addie baby....bringing your brother home has stirred so many emotions in my heart. Many good...and many hard. Bringing him home simply one day after being born was absolutely wonderful. We simply just sat and gazed at his perfect little features.

Love those sleepy smiles!

Each day...I have shed tears. Having Camon in our home has been such a ray of light. Yet....it has also made me mourn for you in many ways too. I ache to see you with him. As I watch him do things like stretch on the floor...or lift his sweet head...I fill with such awe...and at the same time...sadness that you didn't get to do such simple things. I wish that all you had to worry about was sleeping, burping, pooping and being snuggled. My heart has a renewed ache when I think of all you had to endure. I long for you to be here with us this Christmas season. The holidays feel so foreign without you.

He has the most expressive faces! 

In the midst of those tears.... I have tears of such absolute gratitude...wonder and amazement. How amazing it is to just pick him up and walk into the next room! Without having to pack three separate pieces of equipment. Being able to simply change his clothes without moving tubes and wires....or carry just him in the carseat is amazing. I cried the first time I did his laundry... how beautiful it felt to have tiny little socks and clothes to fold once again.

As I watch your Daddy with Camon....my heart feels like bursting. He was meant to be a "Daddy." Seeing his love for Camon melts my soul just like it did to see his love for you. I sure missed hearing him sing songs and make up stories.

He really is the best Daddy

And, as tiring as the nights may be...I shed tears of gratitude that it gets to be Daddy and I that cares for your brother at night, instead of the hospital staff. I feel so absolutely proud when I watch him root for food...and be able to suck and swallow effortlessly. Everything is so different with him my darling....down to all of the little details like burping and crying. We burped you through your G-tube by opening your little button... and you rarely cried...but when you did...we had to make sure your oxygen didn't drop.

So much hair!! He has the same curly hair as you and your Daddy!

Little Camon has such strong lungs....and such a huge desire to eat everything all the time. I think you whispered to him that eating is one of life's pleasures...and to do it as often as possible!

He has the widest eyes when he is awake. It is like he is trying to soak up everything in his little world. He especially is captivated by your pictures on the wall. He's expressive face gets Daddy and I laughing so often.

Sometimes, I find myself staring into his milk dazed eyes after he eats....as he slowly begins drifting off to sleep....with a little milk drool coming out of his mouth....And I wonder if, in heaven, we will get to spend years and years reliving certain moments. I would spend my years in simple moments like that, of sleepy-eyed, milk drool Camon. There are so many moments I would relive with you. And in just two weeks, there are countless I would spend with your brother.

All of that hair!

As I star at him in the late nights, I find myself wondering if you miss him. I am sure you do. I'm certain you stay close and I'm sure it is different with him here...but I feel you are so excited for him to experience this life.

Sometimes, as I feed him, I tell him pieces of life advice. Sometimes silly. Sometimes serious. This morning, I told him a few things. I told him to always search for you...to find you in the beautiful things of this world and that you would always be his guide.. I told him to always wear his seat belt..and to let me give him tight hugs. I told him to always save a little room for ice cream. To always be kind, no matter the person. I told him it's okay to cry. And that some days are best spent in pj's with hot chocolate and good movies. I told him to pray....even in the times he doesn't want to...during the times he might be mad at God. 

Some moments....I feel so crippled by my fears. Fears of what "could" happen. Fears of what "has" happened. I feel afraid of so many things sweet girl. Especially since it is cold season....I feel like carrying lysol with me everywhere...and hibernating for the winter to keep the germs and sniffles at bay.

Waking up is hard. 

Oh Adalyn....I am so eternally grateful for your brother...and yet...I miss you so fiercely. I want you to know I'm trying my hardest to be the mom your brother deserves. I'm trying to let my heart love again. I keep thinking of the a line from the song Lullaby by Eclipse "Heaven's been kind to bless me with you...and trust me with your keep."

That line is perfect for how I feel for the two of you.

So Addie baby...even though I feel rather tired these days, I forget to put deodorant on some days...and sometimes I smell like a mixture of sour milk and baby poop... I feel so blessed that I get to be a mommy to both of you. As imperfect as I am.

I imagine heaven is absolutely beautiful this time of year. I hope you got to help decorate a big Christmas tree! I also hope you like your sweet tree...people have given us such sweet ornaments for you. It has been a gift for my heart to see them.

I hope you will continue to stay extra close this Christmas season my darling! I will look for you in all I see....but especially in the wide, captivating eyes of your little brother. I sure wish I could know all of the things he does!

 I love you always and completely!


XOXO

Mommy