April 22, 2017

A Broken Hallelujah..

Our sweet Camon is 5 whole months old today.

He loves to move, and especially loves to jump in his jumper. I think he wishes he could just be crawling already. He loves to look at himself in the mirror (with his looks, of course he would!) He loves being outside and going on walks. His big blue eyes still soak up every little detail in his world.


He is enjoying eating solids these days...he loves carrots, green beans, bananas and apples. He refuses anything to do with sweet potatoes. He is still hooked on his binkie. Chomps on everything in site and could fill a small pond with his drool. He is a champion at rolling over onto his tummy, but still can't quite figure out how to roll back. He has so very much curly hair...with a mind of it's own  (I may never cut it)...He also has a newfound love of holding his left foot....



He is rather particular and strong willed. And though he still hasn't quite figured out the whole sleeping business, he has captured our hearts. He absolutely radiates joy. When he is happy, his entire face  lights up!


It has been a while since I have last written anything. It has been just over a month since David's last surgery. His surgery went really well. He is getting much better blood flow than he was before. His surgeons were thrilled, because no one has ever done a valve replacement on a heart quite like David's. He is feeling much better than he was at the beginning of this year. We are definitely hopeful that he will continue to feel better!
Just pondering the meaning of Dumbo..

That time around, he had to stay in the Cardiac ICU. Right next to the Pediatric ICU.. Walking in the waiting room....the sites, the sounds, the smells...transported me back in time. Part of me half expected to walk through the doors and find Adalyn there...

Sometimes it is amazing what the heart yearns for the mind to believe. In some ways, it was a hard, but needed reminder that she is no longer confined to such struggles. She dwells with the angels in a place far better.

In the weeks since, I've been rather reflective. Especially as the month of May draws closer....and we celebrate our sweet girl's 2nd birthday.

A line from the song "Hallelujah" has gone through my mind a long lately. To take it out of context... the line says "It's not a cry that you hear and night...and it's not somebody whose seen the light, it's a cold and broken Hallelujah"


Hallelujah, meaning, "praise ye the Lord"

Many days I still feel as if I'm walking on uneven ground, Many parts of my heart still feel so very broken. I have such a longing for our sweet babe. I have such fears from watching what both she and David have battled. I feel like the past couple years have been like going through the spin cycle of a washing machine....


Yet, as I watch Camon drift off to sleep.....or hear his giggle....or listen to David play with him, I thank God for giving me two of the most special babies. I feel so grateful to have the love of David, and for the countless miracles that have kept him here.

I feel so grateful for Adalyn's brave and beautiful soul that forever opened my heart to the deepest kind of love. I feel grateful for time...though in some ways I feel time holds me hostage....I am truly grateful for the time I get to spend watching Camon figure out his little world.

Oh the many faces of Camon!


Maybe the line from that song is right. Maybe Hallelujah isn't always the shout made when life is going well. Maybe it's not always a tender cry when a prayer is answered. Maybe it's more like a quiet whisper....uttered from a broken, devastated heart. A heart that has endured sorrow, tragedy or sorrow. 

A whisper, though shaky and unsteady, that still believes that there is light to be found when darkness seems to prevail. A whisper that is continuing to try, even when discouraged or disappointed or lost. A whisper that believes in and praises a God that is aware of those dark, tear-filled, and uncertain moments when faith seems too hard. A whisper that isn't quite a full shout yet...but still can be heard in the quiet.






















Maybe that "broken Hallelujah" is part of learning to live a life with both sorrow and joy. 

Though I still haven't quite figured out how to live with both sorrow and joy, and though I'm still rather prone to tear-filled nights, I am trying to cling to the light that I do have.

The light that comes from Camon. The light that David shines. The light I find from our sweet Adalyn.  The light that comes from our wonderful family and friends. 


To you my sweet Adalyn, goodness how I have been missing your softness lately. How are we already so close to celebrating your birthday already?? I'm trying to focus on being present in the moment I am in. To let myself feel, both the hard and the beautiful feelings I have. I've been too good at putting my heart on a numb setting for the past while. Spring time reminds me so very much of you...Spring, to me, is a reminder of your beautiful life, hope, warmth, and goodness. 

As I watch Camon sleep sometimes, I hope that he gets to dream of you my darling. He definitely is our little link to heaven. 

I love you Addie baby, always and forever.

XO,

Mommy

P.S. Sometimes when Daddy naps with Camon, it takes me right back to him napping with you!





1 comment:

  1. Beautiful! Thank you for continuing sharing the amazing love of family. Camon has so much personality and I can't get over his love for his left foot. I too am so thankful for Adalyns brave and beautiful soul. Her love changed and continues to grow and change our family. Her bright light for Christ continues to shine through your words and through all the lives that she affected. Sending SO MUCH LOVE for each of you. Praying for you always.

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