Choices.

The year 2015 was going to be our year.

David was graduating. We would be moving to a new, permanent place. We would have a new baby. David would start a new job. Everything we had been aiming for was finally going to be happening! We had a plan. Things would all happen in steps. It was all going to be incredibly exciting. It was going to be easy!

Now as I sit here and reflect..... Nothing seemed to go according to plan. David did graduate. We did move. We did have a beautiful new baby. But none of it happened as I had imagined. It has been hard. It has been the most soul-stretching few months on my life.

The first few weeks we were home from the hospital were the hardest for me. I felt like I was trying to run a marathon with my shoes glued to the ground. I was grieving. I was afraid. I felt so unprepared for our future. Some days it seemed that my eyes had sprung a permanent leak. I wanted.....I ached to find peace.

In the past two weeks I have realized, in part, why everything was feeling overwhelmingly hard for me.

My mind was in this negative cycle. I was so hard on myself. I kept questioning everything. I saw so frequently the hard aspects of our life.

I was choosing to feel that way.

So. I have been trying with all my heart to change. We have a choice when we face trials. We can choose to find gratitude. We can choose to face our seemingly insurmountable giants saying...."Today I can try."

We can choose joy. 

This girl loves her daddy so much! Finally able to catch a smile!

In the hard moments......I repeat that in my head a hundred times. Choose joy. Choose joy. Choose joy. 

And you know what? It has helped me so much. I feel my Savior holding me up. I feel that I can bear my burdens. I feel more patience. I feel hope. I feel that I can continue working to be the best mom for our sweet girl.

Bath time!

As I stare at her....I am in such awe of her. She is officially 3 months old today! How did that happen?? This perfect little soul has taught me so much. I am so blessed to get to be her mom. Not many people can say they get to hold a little angel each day. To hold a little girl who will remain perfect and sinless her entire life.

Last week was a big week for her. She had 6 appointments at Primary Children's. Audiology. Ear Nose and Throat. A swallow study. Neurology. Surgery follow up. And the comprehensive care clinic. David and I had been so nervous on the drive up there. Especially for the swallow study and the ENT doctor.

We had been told that Adalyn is at risk for loosing her ability to swallow around 4 months. If she was starting to loose that ability, we would see it during the swallow study.... she would be aspirating everything. We had decided that if her swallowing was worsening, we wouldn't proceed with the plans of fixing her lip and palate.

As the swallow study came, we received relatively positive results! Adalyn's swallowing is slightly stronger than it was during her first study. Meaning that her slight aspirating is likely because of her palate and not neurological.

We were so happy! Also....we found the humor in Adalyn falling asleep right in the middle of the study in the X-ray chair. Our sweet girl was so exhausted. She hit her wall....and there was no arousing her.

We were also pretty nervous for the ENT visit, (ear, nose and throat). Here....they were going to scope her respiratory tract and check to see if proceeding with the surgeries would make it harder for her to breathe.....and to check her muscle tone. The doctor, who we loved, told us he feels it would benefit her more to proceed with fixing it.

Celebrating on the 24th! I don't think anyone ever wore a bonnet better. 

Another wave of relief! Yet...I've also found myself feeling nervous. In my mind.....I had ruled out these surgeries. Already, imagining her having to go through surgery again makes my heart ache. But I know these surgeries will help her so much. Especially the palate. It is hard to watch her struggle with so much mucus on some days. And to swallow without a palate? Seriously. Hard. Try swallowing....and then be grateful for your palate!

The rest of her visits flew by. So much information.

We visited with her neurologist....who we also love. She reminded us how unique Adalyn is. There is no other baby with her set of neurological anomalies. We made a plan for trying to get her seizures and spasms under control. We will be starting a round of steroids next week.

Every part of me had originally wanted to avoid the steroids. We didn't want to put her through it. However.....because of the past week...I am so eager and prayerful for this round of steroids.

Adalyn's seizures and spasms have increased significantly. Likely because she has a cold again. She has been having over 30 a day.... It makes us feel so helpless to be holding her...and watch her little body go limp. And just wait for her to start breathing again. Or to watch her go into spasms over and over and the pained expression on her face.

Because she has been having so many.....she has again become very sleepy. Our beautiful awake moments with our sweet girl being alert and happy are less frequent. Her squeals and smiles have also lessened.

So....we are praying so much for this steroid course! She will be on the steroids for three weeks. The steroids will suppress her immune system....so that means we will be even more hermit-like for the next couple months! To get even a cold while her immune system is suppressed would be very hard for her. In preparing us for the winter months....we were reminded how important it is for us to keep her out of crowded places.....to avoid being around lots of other even slightly sick kids....and stay up with all of her vaccines and our own. No pressure, right? It makes me feel like carrying a lysol bottle around with microscope goggles and attacking every germ I see. Too bad those don't exist!

Phew. Hopefully you made it this far in reading.

Overall.....we are continually carried. There is no way David and I could do this without the support and prayers of so many. Thank you again for your prayers, messages, comments, texts and phone calls. We truly are SO blessed each day with so much good.

The past week, we met with an amazing couple we had met in the NICU. They have recently lost their beautiful daughter. She said somethifng that has stuck with me.

We won't just survive through hard trials. We will thrive again. 

And so that is what I am ending with.

We will thrive. We will keep choosing joy. We will seek for it.....even during the days when the clouds seem dark.

Happy 3 months Addie Grace.

Thank you for choosing us to be your parents. To let me be your mom.

Thank you for bringing more love into my heart than I ever thought possible.

Thank you for being our strength.

Thank you for still loving me....even though I can never seem to get the lyrics right for the songs I sing you. Good thing you have Dad!

We love you more than words could ever convey!

Oh how I adore this hairy little back!