Jump.

"Are you scared?"

I was recently asked this question at church by a wonderful woman who has a son and daughter in law facing a similar situation to our own.

Honestly....yes. 

This is it. This is the week that we have anticipated for the past 9 months. We have felt every emotion possible a thousand different times it feels like....especially these past few months.

I remember back in August....back when I first thought I was pregnant. I had decided to wait until the morning to take the test. I hadn't told David what I was doing....I wanted it to be a surprise. All night long I waited excitedly. By 4:30am.....I couldn't wait any longer....and took the test. Little could I ever fathom how a little positive plus sign could change our entire lives in the course of 9 months. 

I look back at myself in that moment.... Bursting with excitement. Thinking of how I was going to tell David....bursting with more excitement at the thought of telling him....at the thought of him being a dad!

I wish I could tell myself in that moment to buckle up. That this was going to be the ride of a lifetime.

I would tell myself that it was going to be a beautiful ride. We would learn to pray with our whole soul for a little girl that we hadn't met yet. We would find an overpowering love our little baby who had found a permanent spot in our hearts. We would feel humbled. We would at times feel helpless.... but we would never have to face this ride alone. 

Our little girl is already loved so much by so many people......especially David and I. 

Yes.....we are at times scared. Scared at what could happen. Scared at what our little girl may face. Scared to think of the road ahead.

But love and hope help to silence those scared feelings. We are going to be parents. We will get to see our little girl's beautiful face and finally hold her in our arms. She has been our miracle. She has been our light.

So....with that...I try to take a deep breath....(or a hundred)...and jump into this week.

David will be taking his board exams (to top everything off).

We will have to be deciding on  he job offers we have received.

And we have an induction date for this week. No pressure right?? It definitely makes me tempted to stay hidden under a pile of blankets...

I am amazed at David every day. I know he has felt the burdens and weight piling on his shoulders. Yet no matter how hard things have been.... or how emotional some days feel...he keeps walking forward. That, I  am certain, is true strength.

It is okay to be afraid. It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel helpless. But don't let those feelings control you. Christ will carry you. He has felt the sorrows of your heart. He knows the times when you are uncertain of yourself or uncertain of your faith.  He also knows something we forget....that you are enough. No matter if your faith is that of a giant....or feeling like a little seed.....He will take that and turn it into something beautiful if we let Him. He will be the strength that we need to keep walking forward.

The doctors here have been wonderful. Our little girl will definitely been well taken care of. We will try to be posting updates to our blog.....that way it is easier to update everyone at once.

I have no doubt that our lives will definitely never be the same again after this week. 

I cannot thank you enough for your continued prayers. For believing in our little girl.
We can never thank our family (and friends) enough for all they have done. They have truly helped to carry us when we have needed it most. Not to mention....have housed us (remember how we're still slightly nomads?)....have fed us....prayed for us..and so much more.

Here we go!!

Finding Strength.

I sit here staring at the calendar in anxious disbelief (if that combination of feelings even makes sense). Some days tick by slowly....and it still feels  unreal that within a month, we will have our little girl. Other days...I realize how much we have going on this month in addition to our little girl arriving, all of the decisions that lie ahead....and I feel like time is moving on turbo speed.

I am 37 weeks along....which technically means...I'm considered full term. I think of that with amazement.

There were times during these past nine months where I was certain time was reversing itself. Times when the months of April and May seemed eons away.  We had all the time in the world to prepare.

Or so I thought.

Now it's the second week in April....and part of me feels a slight panic. Am I ready for all that lies ahead?? Are we  ready for all that lies ahead?? I think of those questions almost every night.  I stare at the things we have packed and ready for our little girl. I replay a zillion different scenarios over in my mind of possible outcomes.

I feel like I still cycle through so many emotions. There are moments when I am on a high of hope....and certain that all will work out....that we will have our little girl. Sometimes....I even forget that she has so many anomalies.. Then there are days like yesterday...

Our doctor told us she would be presenting our baby's case in front of a team of doctors. Any doctor that may even remotely be involved with her care will be in this meeting. They have to prepare for worst case scenarios.  After that...they will want us to meet with the neonatologist.....to discuss with us those possible worst case scenarios. They will need to know what David and I want to do....should things go wrong...How much intervention do we want? Endless other questions that I (we) don't even want to think about. It brought all of my emotions and fears rushing to the surface.

Leaving our appointment yesterday, I felt like the thin thread that was holding my emotions together was threatening to break.  

Once again...as we got into the car, I sobbed. I felt my frustrated, hot tears continuously roll down my face. How come we have to face this...I kept asking David....How come our little girl has to face this....Why does absolutely everything surrounding her birth and life have to be so unknown...Why does it have to be so hard.....How can Heavenly Father think we are strong enough for this?? Feeling helpless and defeated.....I squeaked out...I just want to be a mom. I want to see you be a dad.

David....as always my anchor....held my hand, comforted me and let me cry it out. We have both gone through these same emotions numerous times.

A few hours later....I read a talk about fear. About turning our fears to Christ. It hit me like a train...and brought me to my knees. There is One who knows the unknown that we are facing (something that I have to remind myself of often). Christ has promised to walk with us through our darkest unknowns. He never fails to send us His comfort. Even during my moments of frustration. Even when I feel myself wavering. Even when I am afraid.

He brings peace. He brings hope. He can hush our fears when nothing else in the world can. I know I am not strong enough to face what lies ahead for us. But I know that Christ is. In His strength, we are capable of facing any trial and overcoming any doubt or fear. I know that God has a plan for us....and a plan for our baby....because we are His children.

And He loves us with a greater love then we can comprehend. 

Our little girl has brought us so much happiness already. She has taught us so much about pressing forward with faith, even when the path is hard and our steps are unsteady. She is continually growing and developing. Every other part of her is doing great. The main worry is her brain.

When she is born....the biggest concern is if she will be born breathing.

Her brainstem isn't affected....so there is a high chance that she will be able to breathe on her own. However....because of the other areas of her brain that are affected...they have no way to be certain. With any one of the areas affected, she could be born with normal neurological functioning....they are just uncertain with her specific combination of anomalies.

So....we pray. And ask for your prayers as well. We pray that she will be born with the ability to breathe on her own. That she will have the neurological functioning she needs to survive and defy the odds that are placed upon her. We pray that she will have sight and mobility. And that when the time comes....they will be able to fix her palate to enable her to eat.

Most importantly.....we pray for His will to be done. Whatever that may be.

We believe in miracles.

We believe in our beautiful little girl. 

I know I frequently sound like a broken record...but we are continually thankful for so many prayers. I have never had my testimony in something so certain. Prayer is powerful.

It has helped me hold to hope. It has helped me continue to believe in our little girl....to believe in her own fighting spirit. To believe that she can overcome the trials she will face. It has gotten me through a number of sleepless nights. It has helped me face the normal pregnancy joys of heartburn, back pain, and nausea. It has give both David and I the courage to face the unknown.

Together, with the strength of the Lord, we can face all that lies ahead. He takes each of us....imperfect as we may be.....and shapes us into something even greater. He sees all that we cannot. No matter the outcome...Our little girl, David and I....we are a family.

That type of love is eternal. 

Lifted.

My heart is so full. 

I'm 8 months pregnant....and healthy. 

We have felt the prayers of so many people on our behalf and for our little girl. I wish I could adequately express how thankful I am for the support of so many people. Between the cards, little notes, baby showers, texts and phone calls....I don't even know where to begin to express my gratitude.

Trials come in all shapes and sizes. And I have come to realize how grateful I am for our situation. (Thankful for a trial? I know....I must be crazy...). But we have felt such an outpouring of love...and we have come to love our little girl even more as a result.

After this week, we begin to jump into the sea of unknown that awaits us.  It is crazy to think that within the next two months....all of our questions...all of the unknown we are facing....will have an answer. David finishes his last rotation here...and then we will head to Salt Lake for the last month of our pregnancy to be closer to the doctors working with us. During this time, David will continue interviewing for potential jobs.....preparing to take his board exams....and preparing to graduate.

We know the outcome of our little girl's life is uncertain. We know this could possibly be a long road for her. However....the past few weeks especially....David and I have felt a powerful sense of hope. 

I know some people are afraid of us getting our hopes up too high....afraid that we will be disappointed or heartbroken....

But I have come to realize something. That doesn't matter. What matters is where David and I stand.

Christ's miracles are real. Both David and I have seen far too many in our lives to doubt that. In fact, David's whole life is a miracle....that he is here and healthy and graduating with his doctorate. 

I am sure that when Christ said He could heal the blind.....cause the deaf to see.....or the lame to walk..there were plenty of people who thought it couldn't be done. Not because they were bad or because they didn't want those things to happen....but because it seemed far to great. Impossible even.

Regardless of doubt....He did perform each of those miracles. And because He is the same yesterday, today and forever....I have no doubt that He can perform a miracle for our little girl.

Because He already has. Being pregnant....feeling her move....seeing her (and myself!) grow....is a miracle. Our little girl has a purpose, we know that beyond a shadow of doubt. As her parents.....we will continue to believe in her with our entire hearts.  I am learning more every day what that truly means.

We will also continue to believe that we will be guided to where we need to be. That David will get a job that will be the perfect fit for our family. That he will be able to do all that is required of him the next month and a half.

We will continue to wait in faith. Knowing that we are carried, and lifted. 

So....to all of you who have been there for us...

To our family....who have let us pour out all of our emotions, housed us, fed us, supported us, or laughed with us. To our friends.....who have showed us such unbiased love and kindness. To our ward families, both old and current.....who have kept track of us.....and kept us afloat with their words of support. To both of our bosses.....who have put up with the roller coaster of our emotions....and have continued to believe in us.....To those who have stumbled across our blog and sent words of comfort...

I thank you. I thank you with everything in my heart. You may never read this.... But it is because of each of you that we have also been continually lifted. You may never know the impact your sweet words, prayers and actions have had on us.

Please continue it. It is powerful. And we have needed it. Never underestimate the power of your prayers for others. Prayer never falls on empty ears. There is One who hears and strengthens. 

This video is incredibly powerful! If you have ever had a moment...small or great of struggle..watch this. It is beautiful. 

It was so much fun taking these. Thanks to the lovely Shauna Brown for taking our photos. And for feeding us. And housing us....

The list could go on and on! 

I am one lucky girl!

Remember how we think we're funny? David's face kills me....with that much excitement....our little girl couldn't be loved more!

The best thing about this next month will be in seeing David be a daddy. He will be the worlds best. Hands down. He already does so much for us!

Learning Trust.

Pregnancy for me has been a beautiful thing....but it has also been hard.

In almost every aspect....emotionally, physically and spiritually. The past week was one of those hard weeks.

It all started around last Saturday night. It was about my second sleepless night in a row. At about 3 am...staring at the clock....trying to get comfortable for the zillionth time...I lost it. I cried and cried. In my frustration....I started praying. All I kept thinking was.... "Heavenly Father....how is this fair? I am trying so hard to have faith.....to be what you want me to be.......but everything seems so hard.... here we are facing the unknown in almost every aspect of our lives and now I can't even seem to sleep. I am exhausted....this is too much for me. This is too hard for me to do. Where are you?? Can you see that I am struggling here??"

Sometime in the wee hours of the dawn,  I finally fell asleep. The next morning...as I was getting ready for church...I still felt those feelings of frustration. I was feeling....in some ways...alone.

This is where one of those "WHAM" moments comes in. As I sat in the last hour of church....the woman began giving her lesson on Jesus Christ. She talked about Him....His attributes. How He came into this world having a foreknowledge of what He was to do. She talked about how willing He was to take upon Himself the pains, suffering and sins of this world.

She did this in making a specific point. We first have to remember the significance of Christ...which leads to our firm testimony of Him.

Which leads to having faith.....understanding that He has power over all things.... and trusting Him with our whole heart.

There it was my friends. The big "T" word. Trust. There was my problem. Up until that moment...I didn't realize I was struggling with it. I thought I had complete trust in my Savior...but I realized part of me was afraid of trusting Him completely.

I had kept some of the deepest parts of my heart....my fears and desires....and hopes for our little girl and our future locked away. I guess a part of me felt that putting my whole trust in someone else was far too scary. What if that trust lead to my heart breaking?

I had to realize that what David and I are facing, we have no control over. We have to have our complete trust in our Heavenly Father to know He will guide our hearts and our situation. Most of all...we have to trust in His will for us. In this trust....we can find the courage, hope and optimism to keep moving forward. Even if it still seems scary or overwhelming.

My learning this past week didn't stop there.

As the week rolled on....I caught a nasty cold. Which further lead to more sleepless nights. Which again...lead to another 3 am crying spell. This time....my flustered tears woke up David.

I was frustrated. Again. I was exhausted. Again. Uncomfortable. Again. And to top it off...my nose was running like a faucet. My throat was on fire. And I my legs felt like they needed to be stretched out by a steam roller. (Sorry folks....I'm not writing this for you to feel sorry for me...promise).

David is my hero. For so many reasons. That night....was yet another of many nights he has saved me. He rubbed my back and tried to comfort me. He gave me an incredibly beautiful blessing for me and our little girl. But in my stubbornness, I was still holding to that frustration.

After a little while, David had gone quite...and I assumed he had fallen back asleep. Slightly jealous, I stumbled in the dark to go try laying on the couch. That's when I saw David....not in bed....but kneeling and praying. Praying for me. Praying with his whole heart.

WHAM.

Again....I realized....I still wasn't letting go of my trust issue. Yet....watching David... I knew he had. David had that complete trust in our Savior to help me get through these difficult moments. And he loved me enough to sacrifice his own sleep to pray for me unceasingly.

That night, I was finally able to find peace in falling asleep. There have still been sleepless nights since....and my cold and I are still booger-y companions....but through my husband....and some divine intervention from our Heavenly Father....I have come to realize something.

This life isn't always fair. It knocks us down. We stumble. Our hearts can get pulled with sorrow or grief. However, because of Christ's sacrifice for us, the struggles of this life are not forever. In the end, He promises deliverance. He promises that all will be made fair and beautiful if we trust in Him.

Sometimes, He doesn't immediately take our burdens or trials away. But He will ease them. He will be there through every moment. Even if you, like me, can't see or become frustrated. He understands the pains of an aching heart.

The past few months, as David and I have walked this path of becoming parents....in learning of the struggles that we, and our little girl may face.....I have been humbled more times then I can count. I have also felt my heart grow with love in ways that I cannot even describe. I have an even greater love for my husband...who in every moment....walks in faith..and tries so hard to do everything he can to make me happy...comforted..and loved.  Even if that has meant listening to my complaints and giving me endless back-rubs. I have found such a love for our little girl...who...without even meeting her yet...has touched so many lives. We know she is special. She is pure and beautiful and alive. She has brought us closer to our Savior.

So...most of all....I found...it's okay to let it go. To give those deep emotions of my heart over to someone even greater.

And now? Well. I am still learning. I am continuing to believe. I am continuing to love.

Only about a month and a half left until our little girl arrives!

More Than Enough.

A little over a month ago, we were kneeling to pray in the evening with David's lovely aunt and cousins. His cousin began praying.....and something he said has stuck with me ever since. I think of it almost daily.

He said simply..."We are grateful that we have enough."

When he said this....I was struck so strongly by the spirit. Enough. That word seemed to replay in my mind over and over. At that point, we were just beginning to find out all of the news about our beautiful little baby...and feeling so many different emotions.

At the time, I was feeling like there was so much I wanted to be different. I wanted the doctors to find answers. I didn't want our baby to be facing such difficult trials. There were so many things I wished I could change. I think so many of my thoughts began with "I want..."

I was focusing so much on what I wanted to be different....that I was almost forgetting the wonderful abundance of good we have.

Sometimes, in life.....we might not having absolutely everything we want. We may not have the latest....coolest electronics. We may fall ill. We can break a bone. We might not have the perfect job, the perfect home.....all of the money we want.....or the ease of life we think we want.

But.....I know from my own personal reflection, when you take a step back....you realize that you have enough. 

Enough to get you through every day.  Enough to be happy. Enough to fill your whole soul with love and peace.

Heavenly Father has a beautiful plan for each one of us. At times, when we are struggling...it may not seem so perfect. However....if we continue moving forward....we eventually begin to see what He sees. We see the brilliant rays of happiness that enter our life. In the end...His path for us is much greater than anything we can plan for ourselves.

I am beyond blessed to have an amazing husband. (I know...I sound like a broken record.....but I can't ever fully express how much he means to me!) We have a place to live. Food to eat. Goals we are striving for. The strength of our Heavenly Father. We have received an outpouring of love and support from our family and friends.. And we are pregnant with a perfect little gift from God. We love her more than we could have ever imagined!

And for me....that is enough. My cup runneth over.

For those of you who want an update on our baby...we don't have any 'new' news. We cannot completely know the outcome until our little girl is born. Our doctors have been wonderful in working with us. For now, David and I are continuing to trust in God. We are filled with hope. 

There is power is prayer. There is power in believing in miracles. We would ask that you keep our little girl in your prayers! She still has a couple months of growing to do....time for certain parts of her little brain to keep growing. Time for her to defy all kinds of odds.

We love happy, sunny days!

We got the best visit from my sister and her kids!! Oh, how we love them!

We decided to check out lots of books from the library. We want our little girl to know in advance how much she is loved. (Plus...who doesn't secretly love to read children's books?)

As you can tell....I am still growing! There are days when I can't imagine getting bigger than I am now... Things like exercise and sleep are at times a distant memory.

Our Lightning Bolt

Shortly after I posted my last blog....I got a phone call. The doctors wanted to meet with David and I the next morning to go over all of our results.

Every part of me wanted to be so optimistic about the visit....but I felt there was a reason they wanted to meet with us in person. 

The next morning....David and I both couldn't shake the anxious feeling. When we got to the doctors office....I went to the bathroom to pray for the strength to sustain me through the visit. I prayed that whatever was to come....that we could find a string of hope to hold to. Little did I know how much we would need it. 

When they called us back...the nurse let us know the doctor wanted to do one more ultrasound just to get yet another look. Dr. Hales (who has been so great with us) came in and for the next 45 minutes kept looking over her spine and facial features. 

In my mind I thought...."This is a great sign! He hasn't even mentioned her brain." 

After the ultrasound...he told us he wanted to meet with us in the conference room to go over the genetic results and the MRI report from the U. Once we were in the room...a genetic counselor from the U was their via skype....a neonatologist...and Dr. Hales. 

Dr. Hales began reading the MRI report. With every line he read....my heart sank. Her little brain is much worse than we could have ever even begun to imagine. 

Suddenly I felt like my world was spinning. Every part of me had somehow secretly hoped that we would go into the room and they would say..."Well actually...everything looks great! We just looked wrong." 

Instead....here we were. Being told our little girl might not survive for very long. 

We were being counseled about the decisions that lay ahead for us. They told us they wanted us to think about how aggressive or palliative we want to be with her care. 

I didn't even know how to process those words. What was that even supposed to mean? I grabbed David's arm....and tried to fight back the emotions and tears. We needed to hear all they had to tell us. 

The doctors gave us different scenarios of her birth. She may be born breathing....but the rest of her brain vegetative. Or she may be able to breathe....but not have the ability to eat...would we want to keep her on a feeding tube if she is suffering? Or if she isn't able to breath on her own....what would we want to do? On and on it continued....because of her condition....there is no way to be certain of the results....they continued to say. 

In all scenarios they went over...they feel there will likely come a point where David and I have to decide what is enough....and when to let her go. 

Even as I type those words....I can't fully grasp them.. How can we decide that?? I feel like I need a license or something to make that decision. How can we ever be strong enough to say good-bye to our little girl? 

It is so odd...they told us...that every other part of her is perfect. The genetic tests came back normal. There is no known condition that would cause this. They have never seen the brain become so affected the way hers is. Dr. Hayle said....it's spontaneous. Like getting struck by a lightning bolt. 

An hour a half later....We left the office....once again....unsure how to even begin processing. We sat in the car held each other.....and cried. And prayed. And tried to make an ounce of sense out of what we heard. 

In the days that have followed...I think we both have cycled through so many different emotions. At one point....I had reached a level where I was already feeling like I was having to say good-bye to our little girl. I felt like I couldn't wrap my mind around it.

However....because our Heavenly Father is so merciful...He sent me help....through my incredible husband. As we prayed together one evening...David began praying for our little girl. Praying that she would have a fighting spirit. That she would be able to defy the odds that are placed upon her. Praying that as her parents...we would also be able to fight for her. That we could keep believing in miracles.

That hit me like a train. It was possibly the sweetest, most sincere prayer I have ever heard. How could I ever be giving up on our little girl? Of course we would fight for her. Pray for her. Hope. And know that God has power over all things. It is our time to continue to actively trust in Him.

We move forward. We believe in the power of miracles. If the time comes that we need to make those decisions... God will give us the strength to make those.

For now...that gives me hope. Yes....our little girl may be like a lightning bolt. But she is the most incredible lightning bolt to hit our lives. She has illuminated our skies in so many ways. Already....she is a miracle and strength in our lives. Loving her.....praying for her....believing in her has brought me closer to my Heavenly Father. It has humbled me. It has brought me to my knees countless times.

If there are any of you out there who are struggling....if you feel you are hanging by a thread....or maybe you are just having a rough day... Don't ever give up hope. Even if all the signs around you point the other way. 

It is not easy to keep hope. You have to work at it every day. Sometimes even minute to minute. But you don't have to do it alone....God is with you. He weeps with you. He rejoices with you. He will strengthen you. When you have nothing left within you....He will make the difference.

This hasn't been easy for us. There are still so many moments when David and I feel there are simply to many emotions to even process. It is almost a numbing effect. It is in these moments we are carried by His strength. 

There will be hard days ahead.

But there will also be beautiful days.

Happiness can be found even through tears.

So....from now until our sweet little girl comes, we will continue to love. We will love her with all the strength and power of our hearts. 

God is real. Miracles can happen. 

We are so grateful for all of you who have offered prayers on our behalf. There is power in prayer. They truly do give us hope...and strengthen our little girl!

Our journey is just beginning. 

Uncharted Waters.

The unknown. 

It is hard. It is frustrating. It feels like stumbling around in the dark. It is impossible to avoid.

It is humbling.

It can hurt. 

It can be unbelievably spiritual. 

I type these words....... and my mind is whirling over a thousand different thoughts. I needed a space to somehow pour out the worries of my heart.

As David and I wait for news that will have a heavy impact on our lives....I feel like I am swimming in a sea of endless possibilities.....hopes...desires....and outcomes. I have come to realize that the unknown is the hardest thing for all of us. It is one of life's greatest tests to wait. To wait for what you can't even begin predict.

I have plead. I have cried. I have continuously sought for hope.

I have been strengthened by so many prayers. I have felt peace in the midst of what has felt like a tsunami of emotions.

I am certain many of you have been impacted by similar feelings in a variety of situations.... if you haven't yet.....it will come. It isn't easy.

So....the question is.....how to keep moving forward? I've decided that for now....I am going to focus on what do know.

My name is Amanda. I have an amazing, curly haired husband who is my strength in every way. He is my anchor.

I have a wonderful, beautiful little gift growing inside of me.

God is in charge of all things. He knows my heart, He knows the unknown.

And for now......that is enough.